Whole Hearted Parenting

Let It Be

2012-01-31T11:00:00.000-08:00

My sister-in-law received a text from a friend while we were talking on the phone the other day. Her friend is getting a divorce, and he was with his ten-year-old daughter who was crying because she missed her mother. Dad was desperate to console his daughter and nothing he was doing was working. My sister-in-law asked what he could do. My reply was for him to do nothing other than to acknowledge how his daughter felt and to allow her the space to fully express herself and to fully feel. He did not need to fix anything or happy her up or do anything at all. He needed to let his daughter be with her feelings and allow her to share them with him.

It is difficult to watch our children feel sad. It is painful to see them hurt. We ache when they feel left out. Having children can feel like your heart wondering around outside your body. At those times of intense emotion, it may feel like we need to do something. We may then try to handle a situation for a child (“Oh, don’t you worry about a thing! I’ll have a talk with Susie’s mom and you’ll be invited to her birthday party. I’m sure it was just a mistake.”), minimize the feeling (“Oh, you have lots of time for boyfriends. You won’t miss him after a few weeks.”) or employ any number of other approaches most of which stop the expression of feeling.

A more fulfilling job in those moments is to guide your children through their feelings. Sometimes that just means being there and listening. It means acknowledging what she feels (“You seem really sad” or “You look like you feel really hurt”). It means truly listening to what she says. It means asking him how he wants it to play out, what he would like to see happen or how you can support him.

Most of us did not grow up with this option or in an atmosphere encouraging emotional expression. A friend told me the other day that all of the children in her family were constantly vying for parental attention to the point that she never was able to simply ‘be’. It is only in adulthood that many of us learn to ‘be’. And that is liberating.

A terrific resource for learning to be is the Freedom to Be: A Life Embracing Course in which we explore these concepts and how to apply them in your life. To be present for your child who is feeling intense emotions, you can practice empathy. Empathy will allow you to deeply understand the feelings of your child without having to ‘fix’ anything. Empathy will allow you to see things from your child’s perspective. You can also broaden your self-acceptance, thus allowing your child to be more self-accepting. One key is to explore how you handle mistakes. What have your children decided about making mistakes from watching you? Without the fear of making a mistake, your children will take healthy risks, speak up in class and boldly try something new. So will you! When you are more self-accepting, particularly with your mistakes, your children will be, too.

Another place of discovery is in looking at how often we make responsibility a ‘have to’ or burden. You can shift the ‘have to’ into a joy. A simple practice is to notice whenever you say, “I have to [cook dinner, wash the clothes, drive my daughter to music lessons]” and change your words to “I get to [cook dinner, wash the clothes, drive my daughter to music lessons]”. In cooking dinner for your family, you get to nourish them. In doing the laundry, you get to care and provide for your family. In driving your daughter to music lessons, you get to enhance her life and get to share in the experience. These core concepts of Freedom to Be deeply enhance relationships, especially those within your family.

From a place of empathy, self-acceptance and joyful responsibility, you can let your children be with their emotions. Your children will know that they are so very capable of handling their feelings and that you are there to support and guide them.

Bring in the New

2011-12-26T07:36:00.000-08:00

This is posted with the kind permission of Viva Magazine.

The article appears in my column in the January, 2012 issue.

There is something revitalizing about a New Year. It implies freshness, new energy and being up-to-date in the face of the wilted, fatigued and dated previous year. The New Year is a great time to check out ways to re-energize your family. Here are a few suggestions to recharge in 2012:

Schedule time together. Even with great intentions to spend time together as a family, unless planned – actually written on a schedule – those precious moments together may not happen. Everyone gets caught up in their own busy lives and other things take precedence. So gather your family together and ask everyone for a list of their favorite things to do. Then plan a year of weekly or monthly activities that include everyone’s suggestions. It could be ice skating or roller skating, reading, swimming, riding bikes or having a picnic. It could be as simple as a walk around the block after dinner. You will cherish the memories you create from these times together.

Have an electronics-free weekend. Schedule one weekend or one day per month free of electronic devices. Discuss ahead of time what you plan to do instead of watching television, playing video games or listening to music on headphones. If you hear “Mom, I’m bored!” ask your child “What are you going to do so that you are no longer bored?” His boredom is his responsibility and the time for him to be creative. Coordinate your electronics-free weekend with your scheduled family time activities. Invite friends over to play board games or softball. Cook together. At the end of the weekend, talk about how you feel. Are you more rested, more connected and more relaxed?

Let your children do more around the house. With each New Year, increase the number of opportunities for your child to be helpful around the house. Talk about what he would like to do and what you would like him to do. Show gratitude for his contributions. Maintaining the balance between a child’s power and his responsibility is what eliminates resentments and prevents entitlement issues.

I wish all the best for you and your family in 2012. May you feel re-energized!

Helping Children Through the Holidays After the Divorce

2011-12-06T09:24:00.000-08:00

What I love most about Rosalind Sedacca's articles is her clear intention to assist parents in providing a deep experience of love for their children. Thanks for another terrific post, Rosalind!

by Rosalind Sedacca

When Mom and Dad divorce their children are faced with many life changes. As loving and concerned parents we try to minimize the pain and reduce the chaos brought about by new routines and schedules. We also try to focus on making this new chapter in life as positive and supportive as possible for everyone in the family.

One of the toughest transitions for children is often coping with the first holiday season. Our challenge as parents is to create new traditions and activities that can replace the memories of family holidays in the past. Here are some suggestions on how to help your children through the holiday season in the best possible spirits.

Show compassion:
Talk to your children about the holidays. Listen, rather than lecture, and let them vent about their feelings, regrets and frustrations. Acknowledge what they are expressing to you and be understanding. Be aware that some children will hold their feelings in so as not to protect you. Reassure them that it’s okay to talk about their sadness as well as apprehension about what they will experience this year.

Remind your children that what they are feeling is natural and normal. Be there for them with reassurance and hugs. Also let them know that some activities will still be part of their holiday celebrations so they understand that much of life continues in the same way, despite divorce.

Model Responsible Behavior With Your Ex:
Studies show that children whose divorced parents get along with one another adapt much easier to the divorce. So talk to your ex about giving your children a happy holiday season in every possible way. If you can both spend some family time together with the children, without discord, they will appreciate your efforts. If you can’t, at least strive to make the drop-off experience peaceful and harmonious. Never bad-mouth your ex to the children, make them your messenger or have them spy for you at their other parent’s home. Model your best, most respectful and mature interactions with your ex in front of your children so they can enjoy their childhood, especially at this time of year.

Start Creating Wonderful New Memories:
This year will lay the foundation for many holidays to come. So think about new ways to celebrate, new places to visit, new foods to prepare. By creating a fresh set of traditions you will give your children something to look forward to. By replacing old memories with the new, you can make the holidays special again for them. And if they do the same in their other parent’s home, they can enjoy an even fuller experience of celebrating the holidays.

By acknowledging your children’s feelings with compassion while offering them new options for keeping the holidays special, you are giving your children an important gift: the love and support they need to overcome the challenges of being a child of divorce.

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network and author of How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For Rosalind’s free ebook on Post-Divorce Parenting: Success Strategies for Getting It Right, plus Rosalind's free ezine and other resources for parents, visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.

Your Unique Holiday Signature

2011-11-28T04:39:00.000-08:00

Many thanks to Viva Magazine for permission to reprint this article from my December 2011 column.

Much like the summer vacation – anticipated with visions of family fun – that somehow spirals into fighting children and exhausted parents, the holidays may not always look like what we initially envision. The cultural pressure to create a Norman Rockwell event can be daunting. Children complain, things don’t go as planned and you enter the New Year feeling disappointed rather than energized. You can create a terrific family holiday season that has your unique signature rather than Norman Rockwell’s. Here are three ideas for holiday success:

Recognize your agenda. We feel stress when things are not going according to plan even if that plan is below our level of awareness. If you enter the holidays with a concrete agenda – especially one that includes specific responses from others – it is a setup for disappointment. Stay present. Notice stress and find ways to relax. Awareness of your agenda is the first step. If you have Rockwell visions and a Chagall reality, that is OK! It is what we tell ourselves about that distance between Rockwell and Chagall that influences our enjoyment.

Involve your children as much as possible in planning and preparing. When children feel valuable and powerful – such as when they wrap gifts, plan a meal, serve appetizers at your holiday party, provide suggestions for gifts, are asked their opinion, and save their money to buy gifts for family and friends – they act out less. If your child is interested in photography, ask her to be the official family holiday photographer. If your child enjoys writing, ask him to document your holiday or to write your holiday letter.

Set boundaries for situations that have high conflict possibilities. You know the triggers for you and your family. Avoid the big ones, if possible. Have a plan for the others. It is much easier to handle a tough situation if you have decided how to address it ahead of time. Think of specific words to use – words that create peace – and the boundary that you will set. If a visiting relative has a child who is demanding, have a loving yet firm response in mind before they arrive. If your child doesn’t enjoy hugging people yet is pressured to do so by grandparents or others, be prepared to set a boundary that respects your child’s wishes, such as, “Jake prefers not to hug, and we respect his decision.”

Have a happy holiday that is a beautiful and unique reflection of your family!

The Finest Holiday Gift for Your Family

2011-11-21T04:40:00.000-08:00

The holidays have begun, and the next few posts will have suggestions on creating peaceful celebrations while reducing the stress. Parkland Life magazine has kindly permitted this re-print of my December 2011 column. Enjoy!

In looking back over the December columns from the last few years, we’ve talked about Peaceful Holidays, Focus on Giving, The Present of Presence, Traditions, Holiday Gimmes, and Enjoying More in an Age of Less. All articles share a common thread – what you can do to increase the unity that this time of year symbolizes while you reduce the annoying, stressful things – demands from your children who pressure you to new heights of consumerism, gift-giving that puts your bank account into the red, fighting that disrupts time together, and feeling over-whelmed with making the holidays “ideal”. Holidays are rich in meaning and you want your family’s holiday experience to be enriching. Here are four key suggestions from past December columns to remind you of the finest gift you can give your family – the enriching, soothing, unifying time that you spend together. That is what you and your children will remember.

Practice Family Traditions. Your family traditions can include annual activities like neighborhood caroling, seeing a performance of the Nutcracker, ice skating or preparing holiday treats for friends. One mom created a unique Advent Calendar for the month of December. Behind each day was a theme or activity, such as “Today I will Help Carry Something for Someone Else” or “Today We Will Play Games Together with No TV.” Each evening the family would discuss what they did that day. The children shifted from rolling their eyes on the first few days to being totally engaged as the month continued. (December, 2002)

Create Opportunities to Serve. Your family can share the joy of giving by scheduling time during the holidays to volunteer at a nursing home, hospital, or animal shelter. Sing to the elderly or to children confined in the hospital. Bake cookies to give. Planting seeds or cuttings in small pots can make lovely gifts, and if cultivated far enough in advance, you can have herbs or flowering plants to give. Make wreathes, ornaments, or assemble baskets of toiletries. Take a huge box of dog biscuits to the animal shelter. (December, 2005)

Give the present of presence to you and your children. Slow down. Practice mindfulness by tuning into your senses. Notice how the air feels on your skin right now. When you give a hug, place your hand on your child’s back and feel her heart beating. Feel the warmth of her touch and softness of her skin. Breathe deeply. Let your belly expand. Take the time for 10 deep breaths. Make connecting with your child your highest intention at least twice a day. Provide focused attention for your child. Say, “tell me more” then listen to her response. Her response is the gift for you. (December, 2007)

Create a Giving List. For a young child, around age seven or eight, his giving list can include gifts for mom, dad, siblings and even pets. As your child gets older, his list can grow annually to include grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles, teachers and friends. In making gift choices, emphasize that it is not the cost or size of the gift but the expression of your child’s love that matters most. Spend time talking about what the recipient enjoys so that the gift can be thoughtful and appropriate. Include gifts that he can make. A drawing, beaded necklace, poem, woven potholder, or photograph taken by your child will be treasured. Cards which say “This Entitles You to One Back Rub” or “I Will Clean the Dinner Table” make terrific gifts that cost nothing. (December, 2009)

Happy holidays and enjoy creating those memories!

Make-Ups Make a Difference

2011-10-24T09:02:00.000-07:00

Parents and teachers participating in our courses and workshops sometimes get a little rattled when we suggest that they not request that their child or student say “I’m sorry.” This bumps up against what almost all of us were taught as children, which is to apologize if someone is upset with us or we have done something “wrong.” There are three main reasons that we recommend avoiding apologies:

1. Typically, an apology simply wipes the slate clean. There is no deepening of understanding, no true resolution to the issue and no change in behavior. An apology let’s someone off the hook without making amends.

2. When a child simply repeats the words “I’m sorry,” because his parents requested that he do so, he generally doesn’t feel sorry. Requesting that a child say the words when there are no authentic feelings behind them puts him out of integrity with himself.

3. Instead of apologizing, doing a make-up makes such a big difference in relationships.

Make-ups are a way to make amends. If a relationship is disrupted, someone can restore balance through a make-up. If a young child hits a friend, an adult can discuss options other than hitting, what the child wanted and how the other child might have felt. The adult can suggest several make-up ideas if the child has not done them before. The make-up, though, is the child’s decision, not the adult’s. The child might decide to ask his friend if he can give him a hug or he can share a favorite toy.

If an older child breaks a lamp, he can decide to have a certain amount of money withdrawn from his allowance each week until he pays for a new one. If a teen forgets to tell mom that she has a meeting after school and moms needlessly waits in the pick-up line, the teen can do a make-up for inconveniencing mom, such as doing the laundry, babysitting a younger sibling or washing the car.

One of the most powerful things a parent can do is to model make-ups. Through watching us – and we may not even be aware that they are – children learn what a difference they can make with make-ups.

Nature AND Nurture

2011-10-13T15:14:00.000-07:00

With the passing of Steve Jobs, the conversation about nature versus nurture has been running through the media and blogosphere. Facebook was peppered with the status “Born out of wedlock, put up for adoption at birth, dropped out of college, then changed the world. What’s your excuse?” MomsMiami blogger Momma Sass questioned in her informative post Steve Jobs: Born that Way? “Did Steve Jobs get his personality, intelligence, creativity, ambitiousness, egomania and risk-taking from his birth parents, whom he never knew growing up? It’s entirely possible.”

The Facebook status means to say that Steve Jobs accommplished so much having faced such big things so early; however, the phrases used feel so outdated and almost mythical. Doesn’t being “born out of wedlock” sound archaic, like the word ‘bastard’ should be thrown into the mix somewhere? The phrase “put up for adoption at birth” implies abandonment (and abandonment when one is most vulnerable at birth). Steve Jobs’ biological mother did not abandon him. He was so clearly loved. Both phrases also sound as if they are handicaps. Not everyone experiences adoption, AND adoption is not a handicap. Both phrases label a child for the decisions and actions of adults. They then place life limitations on a child that are just not true. I am sure Steve Jobs could have written an app for these misconceptions. Actually, his life kind of did.

Everyone who was adopted has two sets parents who contribute to their life. The concept to wrap our heads around is that this is both OK and normal. With that said, isn’t it time to view this as nature AND nurture? The two are not in competition against one another. They are in cooperation with one another.

Louann Brizendine, in her review of David Shenk’s new book The Genius in All of Us: Why Everything You’ve been Told about Genetics, Talent and IQ is Wrong, says, “Shenk beautifully explains why the nature-nurture debate is dead. It is not just the genes we are born with, but how we are raised and what opportunities are open to us that determine how smart we will become. Nurture and experience reshape our genes, and thus our brain. Shenk argues that the idea we are either born with genius or talent, or we aren’t, is simply untrue. The notion that relentless, deliberate practice changes the brain and thus our abilities has been undervalued over the past 30 years in favor of the concept of “innate giftedness.” Practice, practice, practice (some say 10,000 hours or more) is what it takes. Shenk argues that it is just some fantasy that effortless, gifted genius is born and not made. He marshals evidence to show that genetic factors do not trump environmental factors but rather work in concert with them. [Success is] not just in your genes, he says, but in the intensity of your motivation. Ambition, persistence, and self-discipline are not just products of genes, but can be shaped by nurture and environment. Certainly it is important to have good genes, but that determines at most only 50 percent of your talent. He underscores the point that intelligence is made up of the skills that a person has developed – with an emphasis on “developed” – through hard work. Encouraging ourselves and our children to work hard requires being surrounded by others also wanting to achieve striving for excellence.” Sounds like Steve Jobs’ parents, his friends and all of the people he surrounded himself with at Apple.

One of the most powerful statements that I’ve ever read on this issue was made by Dr. Daniel Siegel in his book Parenting from the Inside Out. Dr. Siegel writes, “Genes determine much of how neurons link up with each other, but equally important is that experience activates genes to influence this linkage process. It is unhelpful to pit these interdependent processes against each other in simplistic debates such as experience versus biology, or nature versus nurture. In fact, experience shapes brain structure. Experience is biology. How we treat our children influences who they are and how they will develop. Their brains need our parental involvement. Nature needs nurture.”

Siegel continues, “Parents are the active sculptors of their children’s growing brains. The immature brain of the child is so sensitive to social experience that adoptive parents should in fact also be called the biological parents because the family experiences they create shape the biological structure of their child’s brain.”

Momma Sass beautifully concludes, “A child may be born with the “genetics” to be a great inventor, but if he never comes in contact with the right tools, he’ll never fulfill his gift. In the end, maybe it took two sets of parents to make someone like Steve Jobs.”

Two sets of parents did contribute to Steve Jobs, and he so beautifully authored his own life.

Fall for These Seasonal Fruits and Vegetables!

2011-09-19T09:13:00.000-07:00

Many thanks to Joanna Dolgoff, M.D., pediatrician and child obesity specialist, for this article on encouraging children to sample the nutritious seasonal fruits and vegetables available in the fall.

The fall is my favorite time of year. I love taking in the scenery on a fall foliage bike ride-and getting some outdoor exercise before winter rolls around. I also especially love the fall for it’s seasonal produce! However, when it comes to picky eaters, their love for seasonal fruits and vegetables can oftentimes be a struggle.

This week as I was educating a picky 8-year-old patient on the benefits of fruits and veggies and we came to an agreement. This month he would have to try at least one new vegetable, more than once. This is perfect for fall because there are a ton of fruits and veggies in season. Not only do these fruits and veggies taste great, they are packed with vitamins, minerals and antioxidants, such as vitamin K and carotenoids, which have been linked to protect against certain cancers.  

For your guide on fruits and veggies in season I have provided you with a list. These are some of my faves!   

Broccoli: Broccoli is a green cruciferous vegetable packed with folic acid, vitamin K, A, and C. It can be eaten raw or cooked. Add it to cold salads, whole grain pasta, serve it cold or hot with toasted sesame seeds or simply lightly sautéed in garlic and oil.   

Brussel Sprouts: A member of the cabbage family, brussel sprouts get a bad rap. In my experience many people are scared of the little guys, but if made properly, they taste phenomenal and keep you full-- brussel sprouts are packed with filling fiber! My favorite way to eat them is roasting them in the oven. Brussel sprouts are a very good source of folate and a good source of iron.

Pumpkin: In addition to making a beautiful carving, pumpkin is a nutrient powerhouse. Its high levels of beta carotene, vitamin A, and vitamin C may boost immune function. Pumpkin is also rich in potassium and high in fiber. Use pumpkin as a soup base, add it to chili, or simply heat it up with some cinnamon and Splenda for a sweet, savory dessert.   A type of winter squash, pumpkin can be used for much more than jack-o'-lanterns. Its sweet taste and moist texture make it ideal for pies, cakes, and even pudding! Health benefits include:

Spinach: Probably my favorite green veggie, spinach is packed with iron, fiber and folic acid. Use spinach as a side dish, add it to soups, or eat it raw in a salad.   

Sweet potatoes: More nutritionally dense than their white-potato counterparts,

sweet potatoes are an excellent source of vitamin A, and C and also contain potassium, iron and copper. Not only are they super healthy, but they’re naturally super sweet, too! For a savory dish, brush with some cayenne pepper, salt, and a sprinkle of olive oil for a healthier version of French fries.

Winter Squash: Best in October through November, winter squash is an amazing veggie. Sure, it's full of fiber, but did you know that our friend winter squash is also a good source of vitamins A and C, several B vitamins, potassium, and omega-3 fatty acids? Winter squash has a sweet flavor and is great as a side dish tossed with a few dried cranberries and paired with turkey, chicken or pork.

Apples : Apples are full of antioxidants and some experts say it can curb your appetite and cause you to take in fewer calories throughout the rest of the day. Sweet or tart, apples are satisfying eaten raw or baked into a delicious dish. Just be sure to eat the skin—it contains hearty healthy flavonoids.

Grapefruit: Research suggests that this sweet 'n sour citrus fruit can aid in weight loss. One small Scripps Clinic study found that eating half a grapefruit or drinking 4 ounces of juice with meals (without making any other changes in eating habits) resulted in an average weight loss of more than 3 pounds in 12 weeks. Scientists speculate that the weight loss happens because grapefruit lowers insulin levels, which curbs your urge to snack. In addition, grapefruit contains more than 75% of your daily recommended intake (DRI) of vitamin C, is a good source of lycopene, and contains pectin, which has been shown to lower cholesterol. If grapefruit is a little too tart for you, try sprinkling a little Splenda on top. If not, try adding it to mixed greens, combine it with avocado and shrimp, or enjoy a fresh glass of its antioxidant-rich juice.

The Age of Entitlement

2011-09-06T10:18:00.000-07:00

This post is an expansion of an article of the same name that will appear in the October issue of Viva Magazine.

Much has been on the parenting radar recently – in books, interviews, and articles – about a drop in children’s gratitude and an increase in their entitlement. An August 28 article in the Deseret News was entitled “Selfishness is Rampant”. The article says that a child’s lack of gratitude is a “symptom of a greater phenomenon that psychologists, family experts, sociologists and scholars say is gripping the world. Now, more than ever, entitlement — the idea that "I should get everything I want when I want it, even if I haven't worked for it" — is rearing its ugly head.”

Entitlement is not just about the “gimmies.” It reveals a child’s beliefs about work, choices, consequences, respect for others and self, team, contribution and relationships. It impacts the child’s happiness now and as an adult. It is an indicator of one’s self-reliance. “The attitude of entitlement doesn't just mean that kids and teens believe they should have everything they want when they want; it's also that they believe they're entitled not to do some things — like work.”

Karen Deerwester, author of The Entitlement-Free Child Raising Confident and Responsible Kids in a "Me, Mine, Now!" Culture, emphasizes the importance of responsibility in raising entitlement-free children. “Entitlement children are not defined here as those with healthy self-respect and a gracious respect for others. Entitlement behavior is negative when it is defined by Me-Mine-Now attitude and Me-Mine-Now behavior. When entitlement becomes a relentless demand for immediate gratification, it hurts the child and the child’s ability to reach her fullest potential.”

What can parents do to raise entitlement-free children? It begins with examining several areas in your family.

How does your child contribute and serve within the family? The fulfillment of serving and being part of team is learned in childhood as is cooperation. Having chores, working together and feeling the satisfaction of assisting others is vital. If you are doing it all for your child, you are not doing him any favors. It is comparable to a personal trainer doing the workout for you. He is earning money, learning about his body and getting fit while you are static. Allow your children to do more, even if it is not perfect. Very young children can match socks. Teens can cook meals and do laundry. Your children can make grocery lists, mop the floors, feed the pets and much more.

Do you allow your child to fail and make mistakes knowing they have a “safe place to land” at home? It is through mistakes that we learn. Many parents fear that mistakes or failures will damage their child’s self-esteem when actually the opposite is true. Making mistakes and subsequently learning how to do something in a different way builds self-esteem. Self-esteem involves knowing that you are loveable AND capable. Children learn that they are capable through making mistakes, learning from them and then going for it again. Edison made hundreds of mistakes (also known as new inventions) on his way to the incandescent light bulb. Examine how you handle your own mistakes and allow your child to make his, knowing that home is a “safe place to land”.

Where does your family stand with consumerism and how do you handle the rampant marketing aimed at your children? Young children do not have the ability to handle the advertising that is targeting them. Parents are the filter. How do you handle your children’s demands for things and do you distinguish between needs and wants? Tied in with this is your child’s allowance and his responsibility with money. “In an attempt to evaluate what impact paying for chores had on children, Kristine Manwaring did her master's thesis on the topic, interviewing 30 families, half of whom had monetary systems in place.” Manwaring said, “We found that the methods they used to teach their kids about money and work actually had unintended consequences. The families who felt strongly about paying their kids for work and trying not to (promote) entitlement had kids who would only work when they wanted to buy something. So parents were in the awkward position of encouraging their children to buy things, which promoted materialism and a fixation on money beyond what a child at certain age levels would have."

There are other areas to consider – such as how you respond to your child’s demands for things, how you set boundaries, if you use rewards or encouragement – and these three are a terrific place to begin. Your child’s efforts – in serving within the family and learning from his mistakes – will contribute to his happiness now and as an adult. When you really take a look, happiness is what all parents desire for their children.

It's Cool to BYOL (Bring Your Own Lunch) to School

2011-08-29T09:25:00.000-07:00

Many thanks to Joanna Dolgoff, M.D., pediatrician and child obesity specialist, for this article on packing healthy lunches for your child to take to school. An additional suggestion is to use a bento box for packing a variety of foods in an engaging way.

School lunches generally receive poor grades when it comes to their nutrition content and are typically short on fresh fruits and vegetables, and heavy on processed, breaded, and fried entrees. Take, for example, the study of sixth graders recently published in the American Heart Journal that found that students were 29% more likely to be obese if they ate school lunches.

Most parents appreciate the importance of good nutrition and aim to provide healthy food choices for their children. After all, good nutrition helps provide them with the energy required to function effectively in the classroom. Also, children that have a more substantial lunch at school are less likely to graze on high calorie, high fat snack foods when they get home.

As parents, we know that good nutrition will help our children grow-up healthy, but what foods comprise a healthy meal? Here are some “good nutrition” guidelines for you to follow when your kids BYOL:

Lean Meat/Protein Substitutes – Such as chicken or turkey breast, tuna packed in water, eggs, beans, fat-free cheese, fat-free cottage cheese or yogurt

Whole Grains - Such as a100% whole grain bread, crackers, English muffins, pitas, tortillas, or cereals

Fruits and Vegetables - At least one portion each of a fruit and vegetable (children tend to prefer it sliced which is easier to handle - for cut fruit that tends to go brown i.e. Apples - squeeze lemon juice)

Beverage - low in sugar and preferably without artificial ingredients, such as infused water or lightly sweetened iced tea

· Optional: Healthy Green Light Snack – such as air-popped popcorn, trail mix, dried fruit bars (like Trader Joes Fiberful bars)

This balanced lunch will provide your child with a variety of nutrients, including fiber, calcium, protein, and iron.

Read labels: Avoid foods with unhealthy food additives and other ingredients such as:

· partially hydrogenated oils

· saturated fats

· nitrates

· artificial colors and flavorings

· high sodium

· excess sugar

· MSG - look for glutamic acid or glutamate on the ingredients list

Tip - Choose natural and organic foods as much as possible.

With a clearer sense of what to include, it should be easier to prepare healthy lunches. But what about getting your kids to eat the lunches you prepare? These tips can help you pack wholesome meals that your kids are likely to eat and enjoy.

Involve your child - Children often like to help their parents and are more likely to eat foods that they choose and make. So let them help you make the shopping list, look through recipes and help prepare their lunches (to whatever extent their skills allow). The kitchen can become a place where you can bond with your children over food and educate them in a fun atmosphere.

Portion appropriately - Offer more foods in smaller serving sizes versus large quantities of fewer foods so that larger portions do not overwhelm your child.

Create variety - Don’t get into the rut of serving only the foods your child says he will eat. The wider the range of colors a meal offers, the more varied nutrients it contains. If your children are interested in trying new foods, suggest that they keep a log of new foods and what they think about them.

Add visual appeal - Presentation can make lunch fun and interesting for kids. Use cookie cutters to cut fruits, veggies and sandwiches in fun shapes. Choose lunch containers in their favorite colors and let them decorate the outside.  

Transform old favorites - For example, take the usual ham and cheese sandwich and use whole-wheat bread instead of white, and substitute organic ham.

Creating a week’s worth of lunches that are diverse and delicious is a challenge. To help you break a monotonous routine, we have created the RLGLER Healthy Lunch Planning Grid, complete with creative lunch ideas. Just pick one item from each column to create each day’s lunch meal.

Main Dish – Lean Protein + Whole Grains	Fruit/Vegetable Side	Beverage	Healthy Snack
Grilled chicken fajita in a whole wheat tortilla with onions and peppers	Apple slices with 1 tbsp almond butter	Water	Whole grain or fruit and nut bar
Organic turkey on multigrain bread with mustard	Side salad with lettuce, tomato and fat free mozzarella	Lemon infused water	Organic fruit leather
Whole wheat pasta with tomato sauce, chick peas and grated parmesan	Diced peaches or strawberries	Sparkling water	Trail mix made with whole grain cereal, dried fruit, nuts
Yogurt Parfait: Light yogurt with whole grain cereal	Fresh blueberries	Lightly sweetened iced tea	Air popped popcorn
Vegetarian or turkey chili	Frozen grapes	Low-sodium tomato juice	Soy crisps, veggie chips or baked chips

Being Detached when a Teen Makes Demands

2011-07-24T10:06:00.000-07:00

I thought I knew all there was to know about handling power struggles. When my daughter was two and three, her tantrums and emphatic “No!” taught me the difference between requests and commands, the difference between power and force, and the value of using choices. Now she is fourteen. There are teen demands, teen complaints, teen rumination on issues and teen temper tantrums. Because she is a highly verbal being at fourteen, what is happening between us feels more intensely charged and quicker to escalate than when she was a toddler; however, what is below the surface remains the same.

What I found triggering my own reactive temper tantrums was being attached to my teen daughter’s behavior. In Redirecting Children’s Behavior™, we suggest that the first step in effectively handling a power struggle is to detach. That may sound simple, yet it actually can be the biggest challenge for parents. I know it is a biggie for me. One key to detachment is to be conscious of your own inner dialogue. That inner dialogue may talk us right into anger if we believe what we are saying to ourselves. Here is an example of how it worked for me:

At a performance, my daughter said she was hungry and wanted a snack during intermission. I said, “We are going out to eat after the performance. Let’s wait to eat good food then rather than having a sugary snack now.” Her demands, sulking and intimidating stares continued, and I felt angry. Later, in talking to a friend about what happened (thanks, Pam!), I explained that I had made sure she had eaten before we left, we had had something to drink at the theatre, and she knew we were going out to eat afterwards. My friend’s comment that I had done everything that I could to take care of things sparked the realization that I was interpreting my daughter’s demands as meaning something about me. I translated my daughter’s reaction into “I can never do enough.” Saying “no” to her request for a snack meant I was denying her something basic to life…that I was not doing enough…that no matter how much I did (take her to see a Broadway show, take her out to dinner), it was never enough. That was my internal dialogue. No wonder I felt angry! With that conversation, I could never win and my daughter was defined as ungrateful and demanding. Being attached to her behavior, my goal then became getting her to behave differently because only if she were wrong would I be right in this scenario. Only if she admitted being OK with waiting to eat something until we went out to dinner would I be a good mom.

Attempting to get her to behave differently immediately created a power struggle over who was right. I was pulling on one end of the rope declaring that she was ungrateful with my tone of voice and she was tugging on the other declaring that I was mean with hers. The power struggle distracted her from looking at her own behavior and from taking responsibility for it. I made myself responsible for it by continuing to power struggle with her.

I undermined my own detachment because I believed my inner dialogue! Am I a good mother? Yes! I was not denying my daughter something intrinsic for life. I was actually guiding her towards healthy eating. I had done everything I could to set this up well – having her eat before we left and making sure she drank water. When I quit taking it personally – that my daughter’s reaction said something about me – it became simple to detach. Learning how I undermined my own level of serenity and detachment blew me away!

When I detached, my daughter was not distracted by my reaction because my response was calm and centered. She could then look at her own responsibility and behavior. When I detached, I didn’t act mean and I didn’t take responsibility for her behavior. I was no longer trying to prove that she was wrong. I was confident in my belief that I did do everything possible.

Next time we go to a show, my daughter can carry a healthy snack in her purse in case she gets hungry. In my detachment is where her growth happens. In examining my own inner dialogue is where my detachment begins.

Being Away from Home and Homesick

2011-07-06T07:42:00.000-07:00

As a tween, I loved the movie The Parent Trap. I am talking about the original 1961 film with Haley Mills, Maureen O’Hara and Brian Keith. What can top the chance meeting of separated identical twins, the plotting and planning, and the adventures at summer camp? Although the secrecy around their existence is certainly not recommended, I had fun watching it. As a tween, I admired their boldness and I envied how much fun they had at camp. As someone who experienced homesickness, it was great to see girls my age who verbalized what they wanted, had fun together and truly engaged in adventure.

For many kids, being away from home may mean homesickness. We have suggestions and resources for you here. There are ways for children to move through their homesickness and enjoy themselves, feel highly capable and build their self-confidence.

Teens: Freedom to Be

2011-06-13T08:34:00.000-07:00

In February of this year we had the first Freedom to Be course in our community. The course, formerly called Loving Yourself and Others, had not been in south Florida in many, many years and never in Pembroke Pines. Because several parents who had already taken the course desired it for their children, we had originally thought that the February Freedom to Be might turn out to be a parent-teen course . The work on responsibility, blame and self-acceptance are incredible for teens. It became a beautiful course of five couples and two individuals, with all twelve adults strengthening their relationships. We now have opportunity to create a parent-teen course in July.

Teens will gain life-enhancing skills from Freedom to Be at a time in their lives when relationships may be the most confusing. Research is showing that “soft skills” – meaning social and relationship skills – have a pivotal importance in determining “a high school student’s higher academic achievement and earnings in adult life.” Researchers further define “soft skills” as “sociability, punctuality, conscientiousness, the ability to get on with people, communication skills, leadership, and creativity.”

Responsibility – and viewing responsibility as a joy rather than a ‘have to’ or burden – is at the core of Freedom to Be. Coupled with empathy, self-acceptance and understanding the cycle of blame, the core concepts of Freedom to Be deeply enhance relationships. A teen will gain the skills to understand others who may be different from him, to diffuse conflict, to comfortably learn from mistakes rather than fear them or beat herself up for making them, to understand how he blames others and what to do when others blame him.

Freedom to Be allows you to live life from your true values, and in the course, your teen will become clear on his own values. By connecting with his deepest intentions to love and be loved, he will experience a new sense of freedom and power to create the relationships he desires.

Imagine your teen having this opportunity to open her heart and create more closeness in all of her relationships including the one with you!

Freedom to Be is July 15 – 17 at St. Maximilian Kolbe Catholic Pre-School in Pembroke Pines. Please click here for more information or contact Maggie at 954-483-8021. Instructors will be Pamela Dunn from St. Louis, Bill McFatter from Tallahassee, and Maggie Macaulay from Miramar.

Teenagers Challenged by the Maria Shriver/Arnold Schwarzenegger Divorce

2011-05-25T11:33:00.000-07:00

Thank you to Rosalind Sedacca of Child Centered Divorce for another terrific article.

by Rosalind Sedacca

Imagine going through your divorce with billions of people around the world following your every move. That’s the reality Maria Shriver and Arnold Schwarzenegger are facing as they explore the options that lie ahead for their family.

For the Child-Centered Divorce community, this very public marital crisis reminds us of a crucial point. Fame, money and power in no way shield a family from the hurt, fears and insecurities that come with a pending separation or divorce. Our focus moves to the children and how they can best be helped to survive and ultimately thrive after a marriage is dissolved.

In the Schwarzenegger family, several of those children are teens. Often divorcing parents put all their attention on helping their younger children cope while assuming their teenager will understand and adapt. Unfortunately studies have shown that in many cases teens will deal with divorce in more self-destructive and dangerous ways than younger children. Don’t be misled by their seeming independence and self-sufficiency. Behind that mask can be deep insecurity, anxiety, mistrust and fear.

Typically teens fall into one of two areas of concern – internalizing and isolation or acting out and aggression. Some teens turn inward, hardly talk to you, lose interest in school, start exploring drug or alcohol use and demonstrate a detached, “whatever” type of attitude.

Others start getting defensive, develop angry outbursts, curse and talk back. Pushing you away and “leave me alone” responses or physical reactions such as punching walls or throwing objects can create great tension and fear in the home.

These children need and are craving more attention as well as structure and supervision in their lives. They see the chaos of the divorce as an excuse to express their frustration and repressed anger. How you respond will play a big part in creating more positive outcomes.

Here are five important steps you can take to bring your family closer together during these challenging times if you have teenage children:

1. Allow your teens to be teens. The complexities of divorce are hard enough for adults to handle. Don’t use your teens as confidants or therapists. They are not emotionally prepared to carry the weight of these issues. It also creates guilt, shame, anxiety and other emotions that are difficult for teens to bear. It’s tempting to vent to your teen about their other parent’s infidelity, addiction or other abusive behaviors. But don’t do it. Seek out counselors, groups and friends when you need them. Minimize details with your teen, reminding them this is an adult matter that you are taking care of with the help of your adult support system.

2. Maintain family routines. Try as much as possible to keep up with school, sports, clubs, curfews and other routines that were part of your teen’s life. Having meals and other experiences together helps to cement the bond. It can remind them that we are still a family and care about one another.

3. Reinforce your love. Remind your teen, just like your younger children, that the divorce is in no way their fault or responsibility. Tell them how much you love and value them and that you will always be there for them. Teens are often embarrassed to talk about their feelings. Open the door to conversations and when your teen does talk, be sure to listen rather than lecture.

4. Be a true role model. When you respond thoughtfully rather than react emotionally to a challenge you are modeling healthy ways to handle tough situations. This is valuable for your own well-being and demonstrates positive ways of processing your feelings. Above all, never bad-mouth their other parent or try to turn them from a relationship with a parent they love. The results are always destructive.

5. Create positive new experiences. Encourage your teen’s friends to come over for pizza and video nights. Redecorate a room together. Adopt a new pet or take a mini vacation together to a family fun spot you haven’t visited before. This sets the stage for new beginnings and happy memories post-divorce as your family starts a new chapter in their lives.

The Schwarzenegger teens seem to be very mature and appear to be taking the breakup in stride. That may be the case, or they may just be repressing a volcano of feelings that can erupt at any point.

Never underestimate the impact of divorce on your children – especially your more independent teens. Behind their reassurance might be a deep well of untapped confusion and pain. Be there … watch … listen … and observe your teen while modeling the best behavior you can.

Divorce is never easy. But it can be a positive life lesson for everyone in the family when handled from that perspective. The more responsibly you behave, the easier it will be for your teen to adapt to the changes and challenges of your divorce.

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the internationally acclaimed ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! The book provides fill-in-the-blank templates for customizing a personal family storybook that guides children through this difficult transition with optimum results. For free articles on child-centered divorce, divorce coaching or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.

Plan an Act of Service This Summer

2011-05-16T09:34:00.000-07:00

This summer my daughter turns fourteen. After her birthday, we can become volunteers at the Wildlife Care Center in Fort Lauderdale. Since she was a small child, we have donated goods to the Center every summer. Each year as school was winding down, we planned our summer ‘act of service’ and the Wildlife Care Center, which has taken in young birds and injured turtles we’ve found, has always been the recipient. This summer we can actually volunteer and spend time there together.

One suggestion in Whole Hearted Parenting’s book, 20 Steps to a Summer that Rocks!, is to plan an act of service each summer that you do together as a family. We all have the need to feel valuable, and acts of service are terrific ways for everyone in the family to feel valuable through contribution.

Your family’s act of service can be as simple as making a one-time donation such as our annual donation of paper towels, towels, toys and baby bottles. Even with a one-time gift, engage your child in choosing the organization and the items to donate from their wish list as well as in delivering them.

Ask your children to list organizations in the community that request donations or would like volunteer assistance. Have a family discussion about which ones appeal to each family member and why. Talk about the difference that your donation or time volunteering will make, both to the organization and to your family. Choose one or more and go for it!

Many organizations will have a needs list posted on their website or detailed in a newsletter. If you are unsure, give them a call.

For more ideas for creating a cooperative and connected summer, please we invite you to read 20 Steps to a Summer that Rocks!

Getting Children Involved in Politics

2011-05-02T11:16:00.000-07:00

2012 is a Presidential election year, and things are already gearing up politically. How much do you involve your children in politics? What do they know about voting, the election process and the candidates? How do you want them to view their right to vote when they become an adult? Right now, your child is developing a set of beliefs about government, the political process and the part she plays. These beliefs will play a huge role when she enters the voting booth for the first time.

In Our Future Politicians, Vicki Salemi discussed how important our parental example is in shaping our child’s views. Children do what they see us doing. If we vote, they will most likely vote. If we are involved, they will most likely be involved politically. Dr. Libby Haight O’Connell – chief historian, senior vice president, corporate outreach A&E Television Networks – believes that it is vital to teach by example. She suggests taking your child into the voting booth with you! Give him the hands-on experience of pulling the lever!

During the last few election cycles and particularly since the shooting of Gabby Giffords, there has been much discussion about political rhetoric – particularly hostile, aggressive language. What better time than now to teach your child how to discuss issues and respect differences? Jen Klein addressed this during the last Presidential election in her article Respect Starts Young. Klein said, “When talking with kids about politics, or talking to kids about how to talk politics, think about how you would want to be treated if you were on the other side of the discussion. It's the Golden Rule all over again. While we may not agree with many of [our son’s] friends and his friend's parents, I don't want them to say nasty, belittling things about my choices, so I don't say it about theirs. The same goes for families that have disagreements in politics. Or even, as I have witnessed on several occasions, spouses.”

Klein believes that voting is both a responsibility and a privilege. “My husband and I were both brought up with the notion that voting and taking part in an election is not just a privilege, but a civic responsibility. We would never dream of missing a chance to vote. We were taught to inform ourselves about each election and be prepared to participate. As such, my husband and I are both fairly political people, there is talk in our home about the election and the candidates.”

At the age of eleven, my daughter influenced me to vote for “her” candidate for President of the United States. I was quite the fan of another, yet she insisted on seeing “her” candidate speak live in our area, and I took her. We shared a great experience, and she changed my mind! She also walked neighborhoods campaigning for “our” candidate and she recruited one of her friends as well. Talk about fulfilling the needs to feel powerful, to belong, to feel special, to feel valuable and to experiment and explore!

I encourage parents to involve their children in the political process. Take your child to visit your Senators and Congressional Representatives. There are a multitude of issues that will impact your child’s life, from legislation on educational funding to our national debt. Talk about them with your children. Walk as a family to speak with neighbors about getting out the vote. Take your child to hear candidates speak, and then ask his opinion, who he supports and why. Take your child to your state capital or Washington, D.C., to lobby for issues that are important to your family.

And then take her into the voting booth with you in November!

Here to Make Friends

2011-04-04T12:42:00.000-07:00

In his blog post How to Steal Like an Artist and 9 Other Things Nobody Told Me – in which he discusses that “nothing is original” and “don’t wait until you know who you are to make things” and “write the book you want to read” – artist and writer Austin Kleon’s eighth tenant is “Be Nice. The World is a Small Town.” Austin says, “I’ll keep this short. There’s only one reason I’m here. I’m here to make friends.” Wow! This got me thinking!

Do you remember the thrill of making friends and meeting people when you first went to school or first ventured out of your house? Wasn’t meeting new people and making friends an amazing experience? When you’ve asked your child about his day, has he ever almost breathlessly said, “I made a new friend today!”? He is lit up with excitement! Somehow we can loose that excitement as we get older. I suggest we get it back!

Imagine the world if we all shared the philosophy that we are here to make friends. That doesn’t mean you are a doormat. It means you speak your truth. It means you are an assertive human being who values and respects others. It means you have the primary goals of creating deep connections with others and being in service. Imagine the world if we all shared that philosophy!

I encourage you to live this week – or this day or this hour – with the purpose of being here to make friends. Do this for the fun of it. Make that purpose – being here to make friends – your filter for everything you say and do and think. Make it your purpose with your co-workers, manager, drivers who share the road with you, dentist, your spouse and your children. See what a difference it makes.

In the meantime, I am ordering one of Austin’s “Here to Make Friends” t-shirts so new friends will see me coming!

Two Challenges Children Face Before and After Your Divorce

2011-03-28T11:37:00.000-07:00

Many thanks to our guest blogger, Rosalind Sedacca, for her insightful post. Rosalind's articles are always compassionate and informative.

by Rosalind Sedacca

Whether your divorce is pending or five years behind you, your children continue to process the reality according to their age and level of understanding. There are several concepts that cause the most emotional turmoil for children. Being aware of these sensitive areas can help parents address these issues more effectively.

As your children age they may revisit your divorce with more questions, confusion or insecurity. That’s why it’s essential that you have answers ready based on a keen understanding of how children internalize a divorce – even long after it’s over.

There are two major concepts that can create the most emotional pain for children. The first has to do with blame and the second with unrealistic expectations. Here are some suggestions for handling these common challenges.

Children keep blaming themselves for the divorce – even after it’s over!

Regardless of what their parents may tell them, many children still believe they are the reason for their parent’s divorce. This is especially so if the children have heard their parents fighting about the kids and related parenting issues. It’s easy for a child to assume that if they had behaved better, fought less with their siblings, received better grades or helped more around the house, they could have prevented the subsequent divorce.

Your divorce may be long past, but some children still need to repeatedly hear the same message. It’s important to explain to them that divorce is always between Moms and Dads! Regardless of what they may have heard when their parents fought, children are never the cause of a divorce. Using age-appropriate language it’s valuable to explain to your children that there are many reasons why people divorce. Sometimes they may have grown apart. Or the love they once had for each other has changed. Often they just can't agree about issues in their lives. You don’t have to go into specifics in your own circumstances. The important point to make is that Mom and Dad both love you very much. And one thing is for certain: The divorce was not and is not your fault. You did not cause our divorce and you are not in any way to blame!

Children keep trying to fix your divorce – even after it’s over!

One of the saddest consequences of a divorce is the pressure some children put upon themselves to fix the problem. Getting Mom and Dad back together is a huge emotional burdon that you don’t want your children to undertake. It’s a no-win situation that’s far beyond the capabilities of any child – even when they’re in their teens.

Nevertheless, many children invest time in wishing and trying to make everything okay and get both parents back home again. Part of their strategy may be trying to adjust their behavior so they never get scolded, striving for A's at school and becoming the perfect child.

Some children take the opposite track. They create negative attention to distract Mom and Dad, hoping to side-track the divorce. By acting out, doing poorly in school, jumping onto drugs or other negative behaviors, their intention is to make the divorce go away by keeping their parents engaged in these other demanding issues.

Again, it’s valuable to address these behaviors head-on. Talk about your children’s feelings. Let them know you understand and acknowledge their right to be angry, frustrated, hurt, confused or ashamed about the divorce. Explain, as well, that they can’t behave their way into avoiding or postponing a divorce – or restoring a marriage following a divorce. The more both parents are in accord regarding the finality of the divorce and the messages they are conveying, the easier it will be for your children to accept the tough reality they may have been trying to avoid.

Rosalind Sedacca, Founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, is the author of the ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook™ Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! The book helps parents create a unique personal family storybook that uses fill-in-the-blank templates to guide them through this difficult transition with optimum results. For Rosalind’s free articles, coaching services, book, child-centered divorce resources and free ezine, visit to http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.

The Children's Movement of Florida

2011-03-20T19:29:00.000-07:00

Many thanks to Vance Aloupis, State Coordinator for The Children's Movement of Florida, for being our guest blogger this week.

by Vance Aloupis

I'd be hard pressed to think of anything more important in a young child's life than a caring, loving and informed parent. The "caring" and "loving" traits are inherent in most parents, but the "informed" parent is few and far between. As a college and law school graduate, I find myself approaching the birth of my first child with hundreds of questions and concerns. They just don't teach you these sorts of things in school.

In January of 2009, The Children's Movement of Florida conducted a statewide poll of 1,515 "likely" voters using both Democrat and Republican pollsters. From the polling data, Florida voters identified five “high-priority issues” that have become The Movement’s agenda:

1. health insurance for all children
2. improving Florida's voluntary pre-K program
3. screening and treatment for children who may have special needs
4. high-quality mentoring programs and;
5. high-quality parent skill-building

With the support of its statewide steering committee, we launched in August 2010 and embarked in September on the "Milk Party" tour which brought together more than 15,000 Floridians across 17 communities and was featured in more than 100 newspaper stories and television clips. Our policy team then authored a 2011 legislative agenda that provides practical and measurable policies that address each of the first five issues mentioned above.

When it comes to parent skill-building, we are advocating for the implementation of a public awareness campaign, to provide much needed information to families on the importance of early development, nurturing parenting and parental involvement. We must also provide and publicize a statewide toll-free phone line and website in English, Spanish and Creole to support the diversity of our communities. These services should build on successful models, such as those in Miami-Dade County and elsewhere in the state. The fiscal note for this program: $10 million. Despite the economic challenges facing our state, we cannot allow the needs of all of our children to be continually overlooked.

Launched only seven months earlier, The Children's Movement of Florida opened the 2011 legislative session with more than 165,000 supporters. Our goal is to reach one million in 2012. We need the support of organizations like Whole Hearted Parenting to share the message that Florida's children can no longer be a lesser priority than roads, prisons and sports stadiums. To achieve real success, we must work together to change the priorities of Tallahassee, and ensure that our elected officials are focusing on the issues that give children the best chances to be successful in school and in life.

Children must be the No. 1 priority.

If you'd like to learn more about The Children's Movement of Florida you can vist our website, accessible via http://www.childrensmovementflorida.org/.

Vance Aloupis
Statewide Coordinator
The Children's Movement of Florida

Parent's Top Ten List #1 - Have Fun!

2011-03-18T07:03:00.000-07:00

We have reached the summit – the top suggestion on our annual Parent's Top Ten list (available here). The number one suggestion for parents for 2011 is “Have more fun and more fun together.”

Each day I receive “Notes from the Universe” from Totally Unique Thoughts. Based on the concept that “thoughts become things…choose the good ones,” the notes are inspirational and typically funny. Today’s was no different. “For millenniums, Maggie, the path to enlightenment has been made up of many steps. Most commonly, it begins with festering misunderstandings that lead to pain, the pain then leads to growth, growth leads to clarity, clarity leads to fun, fun leads to joy, and joy leads to true illumination. May I recommend skipping to the fun part?”

Fun unites. Maybe we can create a new word – funited. We are united in fun and by fun!

Research is showing that laughter (what could be more fun than that?) has far-reaching health benefits including pain relief, increased happiness and a stronger immune system. Laughter is a terrific stress management tool.

Having fun – reducing your stress, filling your cup, nurturing yourself – gives you the flexibility to parent creatively. When an issue arises, you will have the energy to grasp what your child can learn from the experience rather than frantically trying to get things under control. Having fun together will do that for everyone in your family.

Make having fun a priority rather than the last item on your agenda. Have fun BEFORE taking on big projects or prior to doing the things you aren’t fond of doing. You may actually have more fun than you thought. Have fun WHILE you make the bed, do the dishes or mow the lawn.

As TUT suggests, skip to the fun part! You children will learn to do that, too. The next generation in your family just might have fun ALL of the time! What a concept.

To hear this as a podcast, click here.

Parent's Top Ten List - #2

2011-03-07T14:08:00.000-08:00

Last week we took a brief detour in our count down of the 2011 Parent’s Top Ten List to discuss a different topic, entitlement. Our annual Parent's Top Ten list, which is available here, is meant to be printed and posted on the fridge or somewhere visible to serve as a high-level guide to keeping your home peaceful. It can be your GPS (Guide for Parenting with Sensitivity). We are up to #2, our next-to-the-top suggestion for 2011, and it is, “Do something outdoors with your family on a regular basis to keep everyone connected with nature.”

Taking country drives was something my family did when we were growing up. If we passed a farm, we would pull off the road and watch the cows graze or the horses play. My mother enjoyed making flower arrangements, and she would find interesting things growing by the road to create simple arrangements that meant something beyond their beauty because we had spotted the components and picked them with her. Each drive was a day of fresh air and discovery.

One of the needs we all have is to experiment and explore, and getting out in nature is a wonderful way to explore. Connecting with nature is vital for children, and Richard Louv, author of Last Child in the Woods: Saving Our Children from Nature Deficit Disorder, says that many children today are increasingly disconnected from nature. Not only do children need that connection, but Louv says that nature needs our children, who are the next stewards of the Earth. A 2002 British study found that eight-year-olds identify Pokémon characters more easily than otters, beetles and oak trees. Family adventures in nature can change that.

Your children can learn to read maps and navigate the family to your destination. A fun outdoor adventure that involves navigation is geocaching, a high-tech treasure hunt played using a GPS device. According to Geocaching.com, “The basic idea is to locate hidden containers, called geocaches, outdoors and then share your experiences online. Geocaching is enjoyed by people from all age groups, with a strong sense of community and support for the environment.”

A trip to the beach can spark your child’s interest in shells or sea life. You can visit nurseries and botanical gardens. Growing your own vegetables gets you outdoors and also fills your table. You can plant a traditional garden or create a simple garden in pots on your front steps. Visiting “U-Pick” sites or markets for your produce is a fun outdoor activity with many lessons for your children and a delicious payoff.

Have a regular outdoor adventure with your family. No child will forget his connection with nature.

To hear this as a podcast, click here.

Choices and Entitlement: Where Do Parents Draw the Line?

2011-02-28T11:36:00.000-08:00

A mom asked a terrific question in our Redirecting Children’s Behavior™ Course on Sunday. We were in the midst of a discussion on handling power struggles, talking about two of the redirects for power – offering children choices and allowing them to say “no” respectfully. In addition to side-stepping a power struggle, both of those options have added bonuses. Offering children choices teaches decision-making skills, and allowing children to say “no” respectfully prepares them for saying “no” as a young adult – “no” to drugs, undesired sex, cigarettes, and anything else not in their best interest. Many parents – including me – grew up without that option. I look back on many risky decisions that I made and see the importance of recognizing at an early age that it is OK to say “no.”

As we were discussing all of this, one mom sought clarity. She asked how you know when you are raising a child who is entitled because you’ve allowed him choices and permitted him to say “no”. Will a child who is given choices respect authority?

The key to the answer is respect. As Pam Dunn of Your Infinite Life Training and Coaching Company says, “Entitled really equals disrespectful. If a child is entitled, it isn’t about choices or saying “no”, it is about parents teaching respect.”

To teach respect, here are a few ideas to consider:

• Saying “no” doesn’t mean the conversation ends there. That “no” is actually the beginning of a conversation on what your child would like to contribute. If he doesn’t want to set the table, would he prefer to clean the kitchen after the meal or fold the clothes in the dryer while someone else cleans up? Would he prefer to take out the trash or feed the dog? Making a contribution is how we all feel valuable. The more valuable you feel, the less you will be inclined to power struggle.

• Saying “no” is done respectfully by both parents and children. If your child has a sarcastic or disrespectful tone, respectfully model how you would like him to say “no” to you.

• Endless negotiations are subtle power struggles. Do not endlessly go back and forth. Be clear about your request and about the choices available to your child. If you begin to feel angry or challenged, use one of the tools for redirecting a power struggle.

• The parents of entitled children ultimately feel resentful, and entitled children ultimately feel discouraged. Parents feel resentful because they are doing things they do not wish to do. Remember the part about saying “no”? Children feel discouraged because they do not realize how capable they are. They are looking for others to lean on to do things for them. Look for ways for your child to take on more responsibility. That will build his strength. When we do for our children the things that they can do for themselves, it is like a personal trainer lifting the weights for you.

If you are looking for more on this topic, Karen Deerwester's book The Entitlement-Free Child: Raising Confident and Responsible Kids in a "Me, Mine, Now!" Culture is all about teaching respect.

To hear this as a podcast, click here.

Parent's Top Ten List - #3

2011-02-21T19:05:00.000-08:00

We’ve been counting down the 2011 Parent’s Top Ten List, which is available here, and today’s post, #3 on the list, is a little different. It is about investing in yourself.

3. Invest in yourself as a parent at least once a month – take a course or workshop, read a book, observe another parent, call a friend, receive some coaching

A parent who recently participated in our Gourmet Lunch ‘n Learn workshops said that one of the things that was most helpful was seeing other perspectives. Sometimes she felt stuck, and simply hearing various alternatives unlocked her from the inertia.

Parents have commented that they felt supported and no longer alone after hearing other parents talk about the challenges they faced at home during the Redirecting Children’s Behavior Course.

For me, reading through Haim Ginott’s Between Parent and Teenager, with the wonderful conversations between parents and teens, reminds me to detach and gives me a more flexible and creative place from which to parent.

With all of the challenges of parenting, it is important that you encourage and nurture yourself. With the isolation you might experience as a parent, it is important that you know you are part of a larger community involved in raising children. With the daily routine of parenting, it is important that you hear new words to use, see new ways to handle conflict and understand why your children do what they do.

It can be as simple as a trip to the library to check out a book (see our recommended reading here) or discussing an issue you are having with your teen over coffee with a trusted friend. It can mean taking a course in your community. Whole Hearted Parenting offers Lunch ‘n Learn Workshops, teleseminars that you can take from home, coaching and courses. Check the International Network for Children and Families for a Redirecting Children's Behavior course in your area.

Invest in yourself. The immediate as well as the long-term dividends are great.

To hear this as a podcast, click here.

Parent's Top Ten List - #4 and #5

2011-02-18T08:49:00.000-08:00

In counting down the 2011 Parent’s Top Ten List, which is available here, we are discussing numbers 4 and 5 on the list.

4. Check the balance in your emotional bank account with your spouse at least once a week and make deposits
5. Check the balance in your emotional bank account with your child at least once a week and make deposits

We talk a lot about emotional bank accounts in the Redirecting Children’s Behavior course because checking your balance is a sure measure of the trust you have built with others and subsequently your level of influence. In his landmark book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey describes emotional bank accounts as a metaphor for “the amount of trust that’s been built up in a relationship. It’s the feeling of safeness you have with another human being.”

Just as in a financial bank account, there are deposits and withdrawals in emotional bank accounts. “If I make deposits with you through courtesy, kindness, honesty and keeping my commitments to you, I build up a reserve. Your trust toward me becomes higher, and I can call upon that trust many times if I need to. I can even make mistakes and that trust level, that emotional reserve, will compensate for it.” With our children we add deposits through listening, using a respectful tone, seeking to understand, teaching and guiding, encouraging, speaking our child’s love language and handling conflict calmly. When we have a moment when we happen to be human – we yell or react harshly or punish – our reserves maintain the trust. It isn’t as big a hit to the relationship as it would be if our account was low or overdrawn.

Covey adds, “If I have a habit of showing discourtesy, disrespect, cutting you off, overreacting, ignoring you, becoming arbitrary, betraying your trust, threatening you, or playing little tin god in your life, eventually my Emotional Bank Account is overdrawn. The trust level gets low. Then what flexibility do I have? None. I’m walking on mine fields. I have to be very careful of everything I say. I measure every word. It’s tension city. It’s protecting my backside.” Well none of that sounds like much fun!

Check the balance on your account with your spouse and your children. Add some deposits. Listen. Enjoy giving hugs. Make someone their special breakfast. Win-win negotiate rather than dictate. Go to the park together. Write a love letter to your spouse. Send a post card to your child (even if you haven’t left town!). Put a note in the lunchbox about how special he is to you.

Lovingly tend your emotional bank account and watch the trust grow.

To hear this as a podcast, click here.

Parent's Top Ten List - #6 and #7

2011-01-31T16:09:00.000-08:00

In counting down the 2011 Parent’s Top Ten List, which is available here, we are discussing numbers 6 and 7 on the list:

6. Repair mistakes and upsets in your relationships
7. Teach your children to repair mistakes and upsets in their relationships

We all make mistakes in our relationships. We all experience upsets. You may be angry with your spouse or irritated with your child or hurt by your own mom or dad. You may have blurted out something that you regret saying. You may have failed to follow through on an agreement. Upsets in relationships can be a debit from your emotional bank account with someone. They create distance and a disconnect. (For more on emotional bank accounts, see the post Share Your Love Language)

Repairing the relationship can restore your balance in your emotional bank account. Repairing a mistake can restore integrity. How do you repair a mistake or upset? Here are some guidelines:

• Talk about the issue when both of you are calm
• Ask permission to talk about it with the other person
• Be willing to admit a mistake
• Know how you would like to handle the issue differently if there is a next time
• Discover your part in the upset
• Talk about how you feel
• Ask the other person how he feels
• Ask the other person what you can do to make it up to them
• A make up can be a foot massage for your spouse, taking care of a young child for an hour or two so that she can have a break, fixing a favorite meal or dessert or watching a movie together on television.

One of the most valuable ways for children to learn how to repair disconnects in relationships is to see their parents repairing their own mistakes and upsets. As they watch you repair relationships, they will do it, too.

To hear this as a podcast, click here.

The Freedom To Be Course – happening in Pembroke Pines February 11-13 – will assist you in getting comfortable with your mistakes and learning from them. There is also a tool for diffusing conflict and creating empathy. Click here for more on Freedom to Be

Parent's Top Ten List - #8 - Share Your Mistakes

2011-01-24T08:07:00.000-08:00

We are counting down the 2011 Parent’s Top Ten List, which is available here to print and post on your fridge. Over the next few weeks, we will get into more detail on each of the list’s high level suggestions for building family unity. So far we’ve covered Be Clear on Who Owns the Problem and Share Your Love Language. Today we are discussing Share Your Mistakes.

This suggestion may sound a little risky. You may be questioning if your child will respect you if you make mistakes or share your mistakes with him. You may fear that you will ‘loose control’ or ‘loose the upper hand’ if your child discovers any of your vulnerabilities. Instead of loss, you will actually experience gain.

Most people grew up with a fear of making mistakes. If you think about what happened when you made a mistake as child – your parents yelled at you or punished you – it is easy to see why a child would decide that mistakes are to be avoided at all costs. To avoid mistakes, you may lock yourself in indecision, shy away from new experiences, freeze up in job interviews, give up on things you desire, or hide any mistakes you think you have made so others don’t see them.

The truth is that mistakes are how we learn. A child learning to walk may stumble and fall before taking a series of steps. We encourage that child to keep going when he falls down. Making mistakes – those times we fall down – is how we improve. When we model being comfortable with both making mistakes and learning from our mistakes, our children will feel more comfortable, too. They will be better equipped to observe their own mistakes as learning experiences. They will make the connection between studying and success on a test. They will see the relationship between the amount they practice and their level of skill. They will raise their hand in class even if they are not 100% sure that they have the correct answer because they are eager to participate and learn. They will say “yes” to new things such as playing tennis or taking ballet or being in a performance. They will be willing to go for what they want instead of stifling their passions.

Practice sharing a mistake each week with your child. Make it age-appropriate. Talking about the mistake of divorcing his mother is probably a conversation to have when your son is an adult. Right now, there are a lot of places to get comfortable with mistakes, talk about them, learn from them and discover how you will do it differently the next time. For example:

• Not returning a phone call and the reaction of the friend who had originally called you
• Yelling at your child for not being ready for school on time or for making a bad grade or for forgetting to practice the piano
• Not listening to someone at work or someone in your family
• Not taking good care of yourself

I can talk about the mistake I made of walking in a parking lot while I was reading something on my phone. I didn’t see the car in front of me and was fortunate they saw me.

If you find yourself wanting to maintain the iconic status of “perfect parent” who never makes mistakes, use the line that Nero Wolfe, the genius fictional detective created by Rex Stout in 1934, often said, “Flummery!” Experience the connection and comfort as well as your child’s unique suggestions when you share your mistakes.

To hear this as a podcast, click here.

The Freedom To Be Course – happening in Pembroke Pines February 11-13 – will assist you in getting comfortable with your mistakes and learning from them. Click here for more on Freedom to Be.

Understanding Your Child's Emotional Awareness After Divorce

2011-01-20T17:38:00.001-08:00

Rosalind Sedacca has written another terrific article to increase divorcing or divorced parents' understanding of their child's experience. Thanks, Rosalind!

By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
Parenting is always complex. Parenting following a divorce can add many other layers of distraction and confusion to the mix. That makes it even more important for parents to be aware of how their children are responding to the divorce.

One common error parents make is misunderstanding the stage of development their children are at which can lead to unrealistic expectations. Too often parents will assume that their child possesses a better handle on their emotions and a deeper understanding of human nature than is really possible at their age. So when their child acts out or otherwise misbehaves, it’s easy to misconstrue their intentions.

Parents mistakenly see these small beings as little adults who bring adult reasoning and comprehension to daily circumstances. With that mindset, it’s easy to get disappointed when our child’s behavior doesn’t live up to our expectations.

When divorce enters the family dynamic we often forget that our children are processing their feelings with limited skills and emotional awareness. We all know the complexities of divorce can become an enormous challenge for adults. Imagine the ramifications on youngsters or even teens!

Give your kids a break. How unfair (and unrealistic) is it to expect your children to fully understand what Mom and Dad are going through and then respond with compassion? Emotional maturity doesn’t fully develop until well into our twenties. Yet divorced parents frequently put the burden on their children to be empathic, understanding and disciplined in their behavior when they themselves struggle to access those mature attributes themselves.

Parents can be especially misguided in their expectation about teens. By nature teenagers are very self-absorbed. They don’t yet have the full capacity to put others’ needs ahead of their own. In addition, most teens are not very future focused nor are they motivated by lectures about consequences. Part of the parenting process is to role model positive traits and to demonstrate the advantages of setting goals, planning ahead for the future, etc. Unrealistic parental expectations lead to needless conflicts with our teens which can easily result in a sense of confusion, insecurity, guilt or shame within their fragile psyches. Why get angry at your teen for not displaying adult maturity at a time when your own maturity may certainly be at question?

By understanding your children’s stages of emotional development as they grow, you are less likely to make the mistake of confiding information they can’t psychologically handle or asking them to play the role of mediator, therapist, or personal spy. You’ll be more likely to have reasonable expectations for them and refrain from feeling disappointed when your child behaves as the child they still are!

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is the author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook™ Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For more information, free articles on child-centered divorce and her free ezine, go to: http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.

Parent's Top Ten List - #9 - Share Your Love Language

2011-01-11T15:32:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year! The 2011 Parent’s Top Ten List, available here to print and post on your fridge, provides high level concepts and suggestions for building family unity. Because this list is succinct – no explanations of the concepts – you may be curious about the “why” behind some of the suggestions. We began last month with #10, and in the next few posts, we will be bouncing back through the list, explaining each of the concepts. Today’s is #9 – Determine and share with one another the Love Language of everyone in your family.

In Steven Covey’s book The Seven Habits of Highly Successful People, he introduces the concept of “Emotional Bank Accounts.” Covey explains, “An Emotional Bank Account is a metaphor that describes the amount of trust that’s been built up in a relationship. It is the feeling of safeness that you have with another human being.”

Just like a financial bank account, you can make deposits and withdrawals from an Emotional Bank Account. Covey says, “If I make deposits into an Emotional Bank Account with you through courtesy, kindness, honesty and keeping my commitments to you, I build up a reserve. Your trust toward me becomes higher, and I can call on that trust many times if I need to.”

One way to add high-powered deposits to your bank account with your family members is to speak their love language. Sometimes we may be saying “I love you” to a family member in our own primary love language rather than theirs. This is indeed a deposit to your Emotional Bank Account AND speaking your family member’s own primary love language is like making a contribution to your favorite PBS station during their fundraising drive when they have matching funds – it doubles or triples your deposit.

In The Five Love Languages of Children, authors Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell talk about the ways to discover and speak your child’s primary love language –gifts, physical touch, time, words of affirmation, or acts of service. By knowing the primary love language of everyone in your family, you can increase the trust in your relationships.

Begin to notice how your child expresses love to you and what he asks for the most from others. Does he hug you, sit in your lap or want you to scratch his back [physical touch]? Does he ask you to spend time doing something with him [time] or is he more thrilled if you fix his bike tire [acts of service]? Does she feel loved when you bring her a gift from your business trip [gifts] or more so when she receives a post card while you are away that tells her that you love and miss her[words of affirmation]? Does he complain that you don’t spend enough time with him [time]or that you never tell him you love him [words of affirmation]? These are your clues.

Discover your primary love language and share it with your children and spouse. Then spend time in a family meeting discovering and sharing everyone’s love language. Your bank accounts will be over-flowing!

Related Posts:
Speak the Most Powerful Love Language

To listen to this as a podcast, click here.

2011 Parent's Top Ten List -- Tip #10

2010-12-28T07:45:00.000-08:00

For almost a decade, Whole Hearted Parenting has released an annual Parent’s Top Ten List with ten items for parents to focus on in the New Year to promote peaceful conflict resolution, self-reliance, cooperation and assertive communication. The 2011 Whole Hearted Parenting Parent’s Top Ten List is now online here.

Beginning with tip #10, “Be clear on who owns the problem,” the Top Ten List is terrific to post on the fridge so parents can easily refer to it when things get off track at home. If there is conflict, being clear on who owns the problem can guide parents in deciding whether to provide assistance in problem solving (the child owns the problem) or to provide discipline – such as offering choices, setting clear limits, or using “I statements” – when the parent owns the problem. Providing support to a child who says he lost his homework (the child owns the problem) includes discussing how he feels and exploring his options for resolving the issue. Being clear on who owns the problem can also remind parents to avoid ineffective communication such as lecturing (“If you keep loosing your homework, you are going to fail your math class”), comparing (“Your brother never forgot any of his homework”), sarcasm (“If your head weren’t attached to your shoulders you would probably forget that, too”) or solving the problem for him (“I’ll bring your homework to you at school”).

One way of determining who owns the problem is to notice who is bringing it up. Your child is probably not bringing up the messy counter where he did not clean up after fixing his cereal for breakfast or the clothes left all over the bathroom floor! You are most likely bringing up these issues, and the problem belongs to you. If your child is bringing up issues, such as loosing his homework, being pushed by someone at school or being left off the invitation list to a party, he owns the problem and you can provide support.

When the problem is yours, speaking about how you feel is much more effective than talking about the behvior you would like your child to change. Be clear on how the problem influences you. For example, you do not like to cook in a dirty kitchen and someone might trip and fall while walking through a space with clothes on the floor.

Being clear and talking about how you feel are the first steps to resolving the problem.

Tune in next week for Tip #9!

Ways to Overcome Holiday Depression During and After Divorce

2010-12-14T09:10:00.000-08:00

Many thanks to Rosalind Sedacca for this article. Whether separated, divorced, feeling that "empty chair" around the dinner table, or missing someone who has passed away, Rosalind's suggestions are up-lifting.

By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

Thanksgiving, Christmas – most any holiday -- can bring up painful memories of happier times, especially if you are divorced and have children. But keep in mind that with the pain comes a choice. You can choose to acknowledge the past for what it was. You can value the good times you might have had together. Then you can choose to move on and let go.

If you don’t, you will likely get stuck tormenting yourself with the "shoulds." We should still be a family today. He should be ashamed of what he's doing to us. She shouldn’t be able to have the kids on Christmas Day. I should be over this by now. It should be easier for me to move on – but it isn't. You get the idea.

Use this holiday season as a marker for starting a new mindset for yourself. You are creating a future that will be as positive for you as you allow it to be. Close the door to what was so you can open the door to brighter tomorrows – for yourself and your children. This holiday season and the ones to come can be weeks of great celebration for you if you start planting the seeds in your mind today.

Here are some useful tips for creating a positive mindset for the holidays.

Be your own best friend:
Divorce and its related stressors can take its toll on your self-esteem. It’s easy to start falling into cycles of despair, fear, anxiety and depression fueled by messages such as “who’s going to want me now?” or “how can I cope with all this pressure in my life?” This can certainly compound over the holidays, which add another layer of stress to family life. Use this time to celebrate you and starting a new chapter in your life. Look ahead to reinventing yourself in ways you’ve always wanted – and acknowledging yourself for assets you have that can be further explored. Take time to laugh and indulge in some holiday spirit. It’s good medicine for you and the children you love.

Focus on lifting the spirits of others:
Gratitude is a mindset that reminds us of our blessings. Do you have a loving relationship with your children? Do you have your health, a roof over your head, the income to purchase a few holiday gifts? Many people are not so fortunate. Be grateful for your blessings, share a smile or kind gesture with others, volunteer for the less fortunate and you will be rewarded in ways you never expected – physically, emotionally and spiritually!

Integrate – don’t isolate:
Take advantage of this social season to circulate and re-connect with family and friends. Plan some small gatherings with those you care about and accept a few invitations to get out and meet other people. Limit your “pity party” time to an hour or two. Then pick yourself up and get back into life. You’ll be surprised by the support systems available to you. You will also find that you are not alone in the post-divorce emotions and challenges you are experiencing. Be receptive to help and it will come to you.

Initiate New Holiday Traditions:
Remembering holiday traditions of the past can set you into a downward cycle and negatively affect your children, as well. This is the time to develop new ways of celebrating the holidays that you and your children can cherish and enjoy together. Perhaps it’s a special trip, celebrating with new friends and neighbors, attending special holiday events in your community or place of worship. Encourage your co-parent to do the same when the kids are with them, so that they have something to look forward to in each home.

Use this time of the year as the emotional starting point for bringing into focus the “you” you’ve always wanted to be. Visualize the future you desire. Make commitments to positive changes in your thoughts, habits and actions. By doing this, every year to come around holiday time you will be re-energized with positive appreciation rather than brought down by sadness and despair. The choice is yours. Embrace this season as the start of wonderful things to come and you’ll have much to celebrate in your future!

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network and author of the ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook™ Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! Please visit Rosalind's website for more information, free articles on child-centered divorce and her free ezine.

Consciously Created Holidays

2010-11-30T05:54:00.000-08:00

On this last day of November, I invite you to consciously create the holiday season that you desire. Remember the “not enough” thoughts that trigger stress, such as “I don’t have enough help,” “I don’t have enough money,” and “I don’t have enough time”? I feel the most stressed when I think “I don’t have enough time to get everything done.” It is even hard to enjoy getting things done when thinking this thought! Each time you feel the clinch of stress – which walls off your enjoyment – remind yourself that you DO have enough time, help and money. Set aside things on your “to do list” for another time or another day, ask for help or reduce the number of things that you are doing, and plan how you wish to use the money that you do have or ways to raise money for what you would like to do.

We talked in the last post about Simon Sinek and starting with WHY. Get clear on your WHY for the holiday season. It might be about honoring your faith and connecting with the people you love. Begin with your WHY on December 1st and your level of joy will expand.

Each of us has twenty-four hours in each day. I invite you to savor every single one of yours.

For ideas on reducing your stress over the holidays and assisting your children to reduce theirs, please visit the following websites:

• http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-power-imagination/200911/7-holiday-stress-busters-kids

• http://www.stressfreekids.com/articles/stress-buster-focus-color-image-1-minute-kids/

The Why in Your Family

2010-11-11T12:43:00.000-08:00

The It Takes a Village to Create Change Conference in San Diego over the weekend was phenomenal. Organized by the Indigo Village Educational Foundation, the one-day event was presented with immense love and grace. I felt privileged to be a speaker on the program, particularly after listening to Simon Sinek speak about Start with WHY, which is also the title of his new book.

Simon drew a target – which he calls The Golden Circle – with three parts. The bull’s eye at dead center is the WHY. The next layer surrounding the center is the HOW and the outside ring of the target is the WHAT.

The WHY is your purpose, your passion and your dream. The WHY is about leadership. “There are leaders and there are those who lead. Leaders hold a position of power or influence. Those who lead inspire us. Whether individuals or organizations, we follow those who lead not because we have to, but because we want to. We follow those who lead, not for them but for ourselves.”

The HOW is the strategy. It consists of “guiding principles or actions that inform the path you will take in pursuit of your WHY. They are the road map or the code of conduct to start to move a Why into something useful and tangible. They are, quite literally, the actions you take or the environment in which you work best.”

The WHAT is the execution. Simon quoted Edison who said, “Vision without execution is hallucination.”

The principles of The Golden Circle can be applied to any organization, and they can be highly beneficial to our first organization, our family. Just as we teach the value of disciplining our children so they develop their own inner direction in Redirecting Children’s Behavior™, Simon said to start from the WHY, from the center and from the heart. If we are clear on our WHY as a family, clear on our purpose as parents, centered as family members, nothing can lead us off course.

More on how Simon’s principles apply to families and parenting to come!

Public Tantrums and Self-Calming

2010-11-01T10:54:00.001-07:00

Please visit Moms Miami for today's post on Public Tantrums and Self-Calming. You can also listen to this post as a podcast.

Good Night Moon

2010-10-21T22:19:00.001-07:00

I first heard about Bedtimes are for Suckers from a colleague who posted a link on Facebook. She asked what people thought of this blog, which is billed as “a preschooler fed up with being exploited by her mom’s ‘mommy blog’ tells her side of the story.” The responses on Facebook were almost evenly split between people who thought the blog was hysterically funny or a reflection of their world and others who thought it was at best crude and at worst horribly wrong.

The first photograph you see at the site is a preschooler in large sunglasses with her arms folded across her chest and her feet firmly planted. She emanates the classic power struggle response, “I don’t want to and you can’t make me” or “just try and make me.” The next photo is the same young child holding up her left hand with the middle finger extended under the post entitled “5 Reasons I Don’t Want to Go to Bed (So Get Off my Ass)”. It is explained elsewhere that the gesture was photoshopped. Other posts include the following phrases in the titles: “Idiotic Parents,” “WTF is that on My Plate,” and “Mommy Put Down the Goddamn iPhone.”

Here is what I like about Bedtimes are for Suckers – The piece about moms and iPhones from the perspective of a child is brilliant in concept.

Here is what I don’t like about Bedtimes are for Suckers:
• The tone is hostile, sarcastic and manipulative. The language is crude. The purpose of the blog is to fight, so it does not create closeness or connection.
• If a parent envisions his child thinking or behaving like this, it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
• Thinking of children in these terms is not in the best interest of your relationship with your child.
• Children do not think like this. This is adult language, beliefs and attitudes being attributed to a child.
• Karen Deerwester, author of The Entitlement-Free Child and owner of Family Time Inc, said the blog is “a celebration of a precocious attitude that a child has learned.” The child has learned this behavior, and adults have permitted the behavior to persist.
• The blog feels pornographic to me in that a child is exploited even as the blog claims to be fighting exploitation. The child is not a fully consenting participant in this endeavor even though thoughts, behaviors, beliefs and attitudes are attributed to the child.
• There are no solutions to problems or improvements in the relationships. There is no desire for solutions or improvements in the relationships.
• Our children do what works, and mom does not take responsibility for her child’s behavior. The sarcasm is actually blaming the child for mom’s lack of leadership.
• Family life does not have to be this way.

I checked out if I had somehow left my sense of humor aside when reading the blog. A few lines did make me laugh. The presentation of a child and the relationship between a parent and child in such a corrupt light simply did not hold any humor for me and I’m OK with that.

Personally, I think bedtime is for everybody.

Goodnight room. Goodnight red ballon. Goodnight moon. Sleep tight.

The Feelings Behind the Words

2010-10-08T13:12:00.000-07:00

One of the most helpful suggestions in the Redirecting Children’s Behavior™ course is to look for the feelings behind a child’s words and actions. When discovering and understanding the feelings are your top priority, it is easier to separate the “deed” from the “doer” so that your response is helpful, calm and non-reactive even when your child may be out of control. Your response is directed towards your child learning a different way of doing what he is doing rather than becoming a statement about his character. Your response honors your relationship.

Two triggers that can quickly escalate a conversation into an argument are “never” and “always”. The use of either of those words, particularly if they are describing someone else’s behavior – “You never clean up your room” – do not solve problems. Imagine a scenario in which you’ve said “no” to a request from your daughter to spend the night at a friend’s house. She responds angrily, “You never let me go anywhere!” If you were to quickly react, you might become defensive, seeking to provide evidence of how that isn’t true. You might prove how wrong she is by tossing out all of the times that you said “yes” to her requests. The interaction could easily become a heated power struggle with you thinking she is ungrateful for what you do and your daughter feeling like you do not understand her.

Instead, look for her feelings behind her words. She is striking out because she is disappointed and angry. Looking at her feelings behind her words allows you to respond lovingly and effectively. Your response can then be, “You sound very disappointed. You must have really wanted to spend the night at Lisa’s house.” That will not be the end of the conversation, and it can be the end of the power struggle.

The same holds true for “always.” Imagine that your child says, “You always tell me what to do. You are not the boss of me!” If you look at the feelings behind the words, you will see a classic power struggle in which your child is proving that you are not the boss of him. He may be feeling powerless or over-powered. Your response can then be, “You are right! I am not the boss of you. You are the boss of you.” Again, that will not be the end of the conversation, and it can be the end of the power struggle.

Talking with Teens

2010-09-30T10:28:00.000-07:00

In talking with the mom of a teenage girl today, I was reminded of the importance of two things in the relationship between parent and teenager: the language used and the practice of turning agenda-driven discussions into open conversations. Here are some simple things to keep in mind to create peace in your home and to stay connected with your teen as she traverses these turbulent years:

Listen.

When speaking with your teen, put things on the table. If you think your son has been less than truthful with you, let him know what you know to be true rather than attempting to catch him in a lie. If he said he was at a friend’s house and you know that he wasn’t, avoid saying, “How was your visit with your friend?” Instead, say, “I spoke with Mark’s mother today and I know that you were not there. Let’s talk about what happened.” If you don’t think your daughter has completed her science project, avoid skirting the issue with questions that will probably imply mistrust. Instead, use an I-statement to dispel her defensiveness and to voice your feelings. For example, “I feel uncomfortable because your science project is due next Friday and I haven’t seen you working on it. How is it going, and can I help in any way?”

Listen.

Use “and” as your conjunction rather than “but.” When you say to your teen, “I love you but I am not willing for you to spend the night at Julie’s house”, she will not hear the “I love you.” People tend to ignore the words that come before the “but”. Simply rephrasing the statement by substituting “and” for “but” will keep the “I love you” in the conversation and in her heart.

Listen.

Some big issues for parents of teens and for teens themselves are school success, love relationships, drugs and alcohol, and relationships with friends. By having conversations about these big ticket items, you keep the door open for connected communication. As you let go during the teen years, you can embrace being your child’s ally. The one item that distinguishes a conversation from a lecture is an agenda. If you are promoting your agenda rather than seeking understanding, it is a lecture. A conversation means that both you and your teen have a space to voice feelings and desires. What do you want? What does she want? What are your boundaries and limits? What are hers? The more “conversational” the discussion, the more empowered and invested your teen will be. The more of an ally you will be. The more connected you both will be.

And did I say listen?

Driven to Distraction

2010-09-23T14:32:00.000-07:00

Our mission at Whole Hearted Parenting is to assist parents in creating peace at home. A few days ago a mom who had scheduled a coaching session asked a follow-up question about redirecting children while in the car. What a great topic! Everything happening in the car seems somehow magnified. The distractions of children who might be fighting, continually requesting your help or making demands can be unnerving and unsafe. Here are a few suggestions for creating peace in your car.

Have a conversation at home with your children about safety in the car. Let them know how important it is for you to be able to focus without distractions while you drive and that they are your safety team, helping you to keep everyone safe. Request that they ask only once for something (rather than the barrage of “Mommy, mommy, mommy”) and that they handle things themselves. For instance, if you child has something he needs to use or play with while in the car, it is his job – if it is age appropriate – to place it within reachable distance when he gets in rather than depend on the driver of the car to retrieve it for him. The driver's job is to drive.

Ask your child to create a verbal or physical signal so that you can let him know that you feel distracted. Examples are the words “focus” or “OM” or the peace sign. It could also be some very calming music that you play. It could be a song that you sing. Let your children know that if you are distracted, you will pull over and stop to be safe.

If your children are fighting or out of control or your feel distracted while you are driving, first give them the signal. For instance, firmly say, “Focus!” Put on your calming music or begin to sing the chosen song. If the behavior persists, calmly pull over to a safe place and park the car. One mom got out of the car and sat on the hood until her children calmed down.

A friend tells the story of driving her children and their cousins to Orlando for a trip to one of the “worlds.” While driving out of town, they began arguing over which “world” they would visit. The arguing got heated. She safely exited the turnpike, parked the car and calmly said, “I am willing to take you to any of the theme parks that you choose to visit. I am not willing to listen to the arguing any longer. You have ten minutes to reach a decision on which park you wish to visit.” As she stepped out of the car to let them have privacy to negotiate, she overheard her son say, “And she means it!” This is a mom who sets clear limits and followed through.

The more you successfully redirect the fighting, rivalry, power struggles and attention-seeking at home, the less often you will experience it in the car.

Hunger and fatigue are triggers for power struggles and meltdowns, so it pays to have snacks in the car as well as a comforting pillow or blanket. After school, when blood sugar is low and kids are tired, and long trips are times to have these supplies on hand.

You might also wish to declare your car a “peace zone (PZ).” Be clear that negotiating, helpfulness, gentle touch, honoring a sibling’s personal space and a respectful tone of voice are all part of the PZ.

Peaceful driving!

Adoption Myths

2010-09-17T13:47:00.000-07:00

This week I am blogging on Adoption Myths on Moms Miami. Join the conversation.

How to Make School Your Child’s Ally After Divorce

2010-09-07T08:46:00.000-07:00

Many thanks to Rosalind Sedacca for this timely article on creating a team with your child's school to assist the family post divorce or separation. This team can also be helpful when a divorced parent remarries, particularly if the new spouse has children from a previous marriage who will be living at home. The team can assist a child experiencing the intense, complex and ambiguous emotions that may arise from sharing his parent with another adult and other children, sharing a home, and having another adult in a parental role. You will also find wonderful meditations and Verbal First Aide in this week's issue of Parenting News. The meditations are calming and create clarity around emotions. To receive Parenting News, please visit www.WholeHeartedParenting.com.

Returning to school after their parents have separated or divorced can be difficult for any child. You can ease the transition, however, by opening the door to the many resources available to you through the school. The key here is in forming a cooperative relationship with key personnel.

Making your child’s teachers aware of a major change in your home environment is helpful both for them and your child. That’s because school is really a second home for children in our culture.
Regardless of their age, children can’t be expected to turn off their emotions during or after a divorce any more than their parents can. Fear, insecurity, shame, guilt and other emotions are usually triggered when a parental marriage ends. These complex feelings can affect a child’s focus, self-esteem, relationships with their friends as well as their academic performance.
Many children trust and feel safe with their teachers. By talking to the teacher in advance and explaining the status of your post-divorce arrangements, you can go a long way toward helping your child feel more secure or less alone.

Here are some tips for making the most of your school system and professional educators:

• A compassionate teacher can keep an eye open for signs of distress or depression in your child. You can provide some messages for the teacher to share should they feel it appropriate to talk with your child about their feelings. A trusted teacher can remind your child that he or she is not at fault … that they aren’t the only students at school who are going through these challenging times … and that life will move back into a more comfortable place before too long. This can be helpful in reinforcing prior conversations you’ve already had with your child. It also reassures your child that the divorce is not a big shameful secret. It can be discussed candidly and openly without shame.

• It’s also wise to speak with your child’s guidance counselors. These professionals are trained to handle challenging circumstances and can be an ally that you and your family can count on for support and suggestions.

• The key here is to bring these educators onto your team on behalf of your child. With their eyes open, it will be easier to detect signs of depression, aggression or other behavior changes that need to be brought to your attention and discussed as soon as possible.

• Some schools offer support groups for children coping with divorce issues. It can be very helpful for children to talk to one another, sharing their fears and other anxieties during or after the divorce. Knowing they’re not alone, that they’re accepted and that others are facing the same type of family dynamics gives children a sense of belonging. It’s also an opportunity to vent and make new friends with children who can empathize with them. The less alone a child feels, the better they are able to accept the challenges they will be facing in the weeks and months ahead.

Talk to your child before sending them back to school. Discuss any changes in routine or scheduling they can expect. Also let them know who they can talk to at school if they are feeling sad or have questions about adapting to life at school post-divorce. School can be your child’s best friend at this time – and a great support system for your family – if you take advantage of all the resources available.

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! The ebook provides fill-in-the-blank templates for customizing a personal family storybook that guides children through this difficult transition with optimum results. For free articles, coaching services and other resources on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to http://www.childcentereddivorce.com/.

Practicing Compassion

2010-08-30T19:16:00.001-07:00

This week I am blogging on Practicing Compassion on the Your Infinite Life Training and Coaching Company website. Click here to be redirected, and enjoy!

Boost Your Child's Brain Power with a Little Imagination

2010-08-23T12:37:00.000-07:00

Thank you to Dr. Charlotte Reznick, Ph.D. -- author and Associate Clinical Professor of Psychology at UCLA -- for contributing this post about maximizing your child's learning style using imagination tools.

It's just the beginning of the school year and soon the test grades will be pouring in - not always with the best results. Does your child have a learning style that sometimes gets in the way of his success at school? Is he sometimes labeled slow, lazy, or disruptive? Without understanding and support, kids with different learning styles than their peers can suffer from low self-esteem, anxiety from too much pressure, or a negative attitude toward school and learning.

Not every kid can be a super learner, but every kid can aspire to reach her potential. Your child's imagination is a resource that can be used to maximize her own individual learning style and boost her brain power and overall school performance.

Here are six imagination tools to try:
Go on a tour of her brain. Have your child take a few deep "balloon breaths" - with her hands around her navel, have her breathe slowly and deeply into her lower belly so it presses into her hands like an inflating balloon. Now ask her to close her eyes and take you on a tour of her brain and describe what she sees. Which images and symbols are happy? Which are gloomy or sad? Which part is associated with homework and school? The images she conjures up will give you a common set of symbols to talk about and work with.

Clean out his brain. Encourage your child to take time before homework to clear out his fuzzy brain of negative thoughts about his abilities or the subject at hand. Have him start Balloon Breathing, then imagine cleaning out the dust, clutter, and gloomy places with white soapy bubbles, light, or anything else that pops up. He can picture his brain primed to learn, or he can increase his brain power with a Super Smart Solution. Finish by having him imagine how satisfied he'll feel when he successfully completes his homework.

Invite a Subject Wizard to Help. Your child can close her eyes and ask for special help - with reading from a Reading Wizard, or math help from a Math Wizard. For example, have her describe the wizard in detail and tell the wizard what she wants him to do. In one girl's case, a Spelling Wizard helped to turn her spelling drills into a fun studying game. Her spelling improved to the point where there were just 3 or 4 errors per paragraph dictation down from 27! Wizards can also help during quizzes too, when they can come up with the right answer even when the child can't.

Give his feelings an identity. Next time your child is obviously distressed while doing homework, ask him to name the feeling. Then ask him what the feeling wants to tell you. When children are permitted to give a voice to their feelings, such as anger, their feelings will have a lot to tell you! Ask your child what the feeling looks like and where it lives in his body. Once a feeling has a name, voice, or identity, you can work with it. You can negotiate with it, ask it questions, draw it, erase it, surround it with a soothing or neutralizing color, and so on.

Create the ideal school. Listen to your child's thoughts and concerns about school, and ask him about his favorite subjects: What are the easiest and the hardest? How would he like school to be? Have him visualize what he desires – describing his dream school. You will learn a lot about him by doing this, it will bring you closer, and it will give you lots of ideas to play with.

Give tests a positive spin. Have your child imagine the grade he hopes for at the top of a returned test. Ask him to picture the smile on his teacher's face when she hands it to him. This is not hocus-pocus. Visualizing a good grade will reinforce his goal and encourage him to work hard to achieve it. The rewards for clear goals and hard work are practical magic.

Charlotte Reznick PhD is a child educational psychologist, an Associate Clinical Professor of Psychology at UCLA, and author of the LA Times bestselling book The Power of Your Child's Imagination: How to Transform Stress and Anxiety into Joy and Success (Perigee/Penguin). In addition to her private practice, she creates therapeutic relaxation CDs for children, teens, and parents, and teaches workshops internationally on the healing power of children's imagination. You can find out more about her at www.ImageryForKids.com.

Back to School

2010-08-17T06:42:00.000-07:00

After shifting into the glorious groove of summer, it is time to line up the uniforms, repack the backpack, dig out the lunch box and begin the daily routine of school. Are you feeling the stress yet? Your children probably are, and as with any transition, misbehavior may increase. Here are some tips for making a smooth switch from summer to school.

Find the Benefit. Our time may be more our own during the summer (or not!) and the change to a more rigid schedule may feel almost painful. (That could definitely be a projection!) Look to the opportunities that school provides to help regain perspective. There will be learning and growth. New friendships will be made and old ones recharged. Our children will experience fresh challenges and learn to meet them. Frame the return to school in terms of an adventure, of opportunities and excitement.

Tie Summer Activities into School Life. When talking about school, mention summer events that your child might want to share with his teacher and friends. A trip to a museum or a visit to another state may tie into a project or paper. Have him put together a few photographs to bring to school to share. Finding the connections between summer fun and school activities will help integrate the experiences.

Let Your Child Know that the Fun Will Continue. Even though summer vacation is officially over, you will continue to go to the beach, to movies, and on trips. Are there things that your family had hoped to do over the summer and did not have the opportunity to do? Put them on the calendar to do during the school year. Ask your child for one thing he had wanted to do over the summer but did not, and put that on the calendar, too.

Contact Friends Before School Begins. Have your child call a few school friends in advance of the first day. They can reconnect so they feel more comfortable when they meet up at school. Knowing they have spoken will add familiarity to the many unknowns of the new school year.

Involve Your Child in Back-to-School Preparations. Have him list the things he needs and allow him to help you with the shopping. Create a check list on the computer. Does he need a new lunch box, backpack, or more uniforms? Do her school shoes still fit? Does he need a haircut, school supplies, or lunch items? Have him prepare daily menus if he takes his lunch so everything will be on hand. Make shopping for what you need an adventure.

Create Space to Discuss Feelings. Provide opportunities for your child to express his feelings about returning to school. Be supportive and encouraging. If he expresses fears, help him discover what he can do to feel more comfortable.

Routines Make Things Smooth. Routines are calming and soothing. Begin to roll back the bedtime to an hour acceptable for the school year. If your child wakes up to an alarm clock have him set it earlier each day until he is waking up at the appropriate time for school. Discuss the schedule in advance. Be clear on the time he will get out of bed and the time you will leave for school. Will she choose her school clothes the night before or in the morning? Do you want to include new things this year, such as your child waking to an alarm clock or preparing his own lunch or breakfast? Will he take a bath before bed or before school? Create clarity prior to the first day of school, particularly if there are changes from last year such as a new school, different departure times, or added responsibilities.

Monitor your stress. Your body is your greatest barometer for measuring stress, so check in periodically and teach your child to check in, too. Notice your face, shoulders, jaw and arms. If you are feeling tense, take a few moments to move and breath deeply. Just as you would do in a yoga class, tense your muscles then let them go. Raise your shoulders to your ears, then let them drop down. Tighten your face muscles, pulling everything to the center of your face, then release. Relax your jaw. Make fists then let your hands fall to your sides. This -- along with taking deep belly breaths -- is an easy relaxation technique to practice with your child.

All the best for a fun and exciting new school year!

Limiting Beliefs

2010-08-03T04:45:00.000-07:00

I was in a beautiful class this weekend on Limiting Beliefs facilitated by Pam Dunn, president of Your Infinite Life Training and Coaching Company. It was a weekend of discovery, as twenty-two people uncovered limiting beliefs and moved through fears. This is a wonderful course for parents, because our limiting beliefs influence our parenting and our relationships with our children.

We are all belief driven. Some beliefs we are aware of. Others are below our level of awareness. Limiting beliefs fit into the latter category and although they may have kept us safe or worked for us in a beneficial way at some point in our lives, they limit us from full satisfaction or closeness in our relationships or success in our work now. Shifting a limiting belief is liberating. You feel a tremendous freedom in your life.

Wes Hopper, who writes Daily Gratitude, just today sent out an article called “Expand Your Limits” which is, wildly enough, about limiting beliefs. Here is what Wes has to say:

Rabbi Michael Lerne said, "Idolatry is believing that what now exists is the only possibility." Every important aspect of our lives is constructed from the building materials of our beliefs. Change your beliefs, build a different life. That's what Rabbi Lerne is telling us. Ah, but it's not so simple, is it?

Why is it so difficult? It's because beliefs are powerful, they are often hidden, and we've lived with them for so long that we don't question them. We just live with the results.

Here's my challenge for you today. Think of one thing that you'd kinda like to do, but which you think is just not something you'd ever be good at. You could never get up and speak to a group? Sure you can. Find a local Toastmasters Club and learn how. That's how my wife Sandra got started. Her first talk, she was so nervous she fell off her high heels! Two years in Toastmasters and she was a confident pro.

Like to write, but don't think you've got anything important to say? Go to Wordpress.com and start your own blog. Start writing.

As our quote says, what's true now is NOT the only possibility. It's just a childhood belief. So pick something impossible for you and just do it. If other people are doing it, you can too. Expand your limits of the possible!

You'll be grateful you did!

Thanks, Wes!

The Heart of the Matter

2010-07-23T09:06:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had an ongoing conflict with someone or a relationship in which you easily slip into an ugly dance of thinking negative thoughts about the other person? It could be with your son or daughter or spouse or your own mom or dad. It could begin as a simple pet peeve about closing cabinets after opening them or putting dirty dishes in the dishwasher instead of leaving them on the table. It could be about your child’s requests for a cell phone, a car or a sleepover with friends. Your discussion might begin as a conversation but it always seems to dissolve into the ugly dance. You feel unappreciated or disrespected and the other person is angry. You've attempted to change things, and the problem stubbornly resists. Sound familiar?

Just as dance classes train your body to elegantly perform grand jetés, continued practice of the ugly dance trains you to quickly begin that dance at the first sight of an open cabinet or request for a cell phone. You see dishes on the table and the spotlight is on you as you take the first steps in the ugly dance by thinking, “How many @#%& times do I need to remind him to put the dishes in the sink? He doesn't respect anything I say. He is a brat!” If you have an ugly dance-a-thon happening in your home, check out Wes Hopper’s insights in this article The Heart of the Matter:

"I have discovered from years of work with hundreds of people that when a stubborn problem does not yield, it is because there is a need for forgiveness." … Catherine Ponder

Forgiveness is a subject that many people misunderstand, and as a result they suffer needlessly. It's easy to believe that forgiving someone who has hurt us is letting them off the hook for their bad behavior. Actually, forgiveness is freeing US, not them. Carrying a grudge works havoc in our body and affairs. It takes up space in our mind that could be used for better things. And as our quote suggests, it can cause problems in other areas of our lives that don't seem to be related at all. Forgiveness can clear up health problems, business problems, mental problems, of all kinds. Why would we want to carry that kind of baggage around?

One of my favorite songs is one by singer and songwriter Don Henley about a failed relationship, "The Heart of the Matter", in which he concludes "It's about...........forgiveness." And that is the heart of the matter, whether it's a relationship or some other issue. So set yourself free with forgiveness.

And you'll be grateful you did!

Thanks, Wes, for the insights, and you may be asking yourself how forgiveness relates to your child’s demands for a cell phone or car. Set clear boundaries after you forgive your child for having desires. Forgive yourself if you’ve given up your desires and stoke your fire to live your life more passionately. Forgive him for not knowing how to show you how much he appreciates and respects you. Then teach him how to do just that. Show her how to appreciate you by consciously appreciating and respecting her.

You are your child's guide. It is through your guidance that your child will begin to understand the heart of the matter.

A Path with a Heart

2010-07-16T05:23:00.000-07:00

In exploring ideas on what to write this week -- while in the Zen-like state that mowing the lawn induces -- it occurred to me to express how meaningful it was to take the Redirecting Children's Behavior course when my daughter was a toddler. She is turning thirteen next week, and the difference that Redirecting Children's Behavior made and continues to make every day in our family life and our relationships is amazing. It shows up everywhere for all of us. Taking the course was also the beginning of an amazing and transformational journey, a journey down a different path -- a path with a heart. Then this article by Wes Hopper, who writes on the power of gratitude, showed up. Couldn't be more perfect! Enjoy Wes Hopper's Have a Heart:

"Look at every path closely and deliberately, then ask ourselves this crucial question: Does this path have a heart? If it does, then the path is good. If it doesn't, it is of no use." … Carlos Castaneda

What do you suppose it means for a path to have a heart? And why would one without it be of no use? Every time we make a choice, we're choosing a path. It may be a short path or it may be a long path. Each time we get to ask - does this choice, this path, have a heart?

That means that it's the choice that we're going to be happy about tomorrow and the next day. It means it’s a path in line with our purpose and our vision. It means that it’s a path that reflects the person we want to be.

When we find ourselves in angry conflict, we're off the path. When we're allowing others to determine whether we follow our dream, we're off the path. When we feel good, the path has a heart. When we don't, that's of no use to us because it's not taking us where we want to go.

And Castaneda's Toltec wisdom is reminding us that we pick our path not in the few big choices that we make, but in every little one, one choice at a time.

Today practice noticing your choices, all of them. See if they have a heart. You'll be very grateful you did.

Freedom to Explore

2010-07-05T16:57:00.000-07:00

Deborah McNelis, the creator of braininsights, is a brain development specialist. Her website Early Childhood Brain Insights offers up succinct "Brain Facts." The June 29th and June 30th "Brain Facts" both support concepts that we have spoken about in the past -- the value of being in nature, the importance of unstructured play and the benefits of physical activity. The two Brain Facts are:

Freely exploring nature and objects increases blood flow to parts of the brain

Physical activity enhances brain function through providing more oxygen to the brain

Unstructured play is not only important to children, it is important to a child's future happiness as an adult. It is vital for children to have time to explore their world, both in nature and at home. You can learn about setting up spaces at home that inspire children to learn and play at Childhood 101. Find time to be in nature and let your child play without an agenda. Seeing my daughter playing with river rocks by a running stream at the base of a waterfall this summer was one of the most fulfilling moments of play I can recall. She was charged up finding different shapes, exploring how they would break and creating "statues" with groups of rocks. She also loves the "swamp walks" in Big Cypress National Park. Talk about sensory learning -- you slog through waist-deep water under ancient cypress trees.

There are so many sedentary distractions for children, from portable media players to cell phones to television. Take time to disconnect from electronic devices and get physical. Those clever animals in the animated film Madagascar knew what they were saying when they sang, "I like to move it move it!" Research from the National Institutes on Health is even showing that being physically fit at 18 is linked to higher IQ and is a predictor of educational and professional achievement later in life.

Use these final days of summer to experience nature in an unstructured way. Be explorers. Disconnect from electronic devices and connect with one another. Hike, bike, walk. Physical activity will not only benefit your child's body but his brain as well.

If you would like to listen to this post as a podcast which can be delivered to your cell phone or heard online, please click here.

Vacation: A Time to Connect

2010-06-23T08:10:00.001-07:00

We just returned home from a wonderful vacation, and one of the things I loved most about our trip was how everyone in our family became participants. We were all in the same boat -- literally for a while -- learning, looking and experiencing things together. We laughed at the same things and are still laughing at some of them. We have stories to tell our friends back home about what we each felt and saw and heard. We were in on it together. It was a shared experience that created closeness even when we disagreed or things were uncomfortable, like the day on the river when we were soaking wet and cold.

Luisa Frey has a great article on the Parental Wisdom blog on How to Connect with Your Teens Through Travel, and her ideas rang true from our vacation. You can apply her suggestions, particularly getting your children involved in the planning process and turning "car rides" in to "confides", to everyday life not just to your time on vacation.

For all of Luisa's ideas, please visit www.parentalwisdom.com/blog/?p=628. Luisa also suggests the website http://www.teentraveltalk.com/ to inspire and inform your teen about vacation adventures. To see the river trip that we experienced, go to www.adrift.com/yampariver.html. It was amazing!

Creating a Summer that Rocks, Part 5!

2010-05-31T11:04:00.000-07:00

We are into single digits in the countdown to summer, and since April 26th, here at Whole Hearted Parenting, we’ve been talking about ways to create a summer that rocks. Our final suggestion in the series is to notice every opportunity for learning. Summer is a rich time for discovery and learning, as Amy Webb pointed out in her guest blog last week. Amy discussed “brain drain,” and she had many terrific suggestions for keeping the learning alive over the summer. Here are a few more.

One of my favorite memories from childhood was being “the navigator” on our family road trips. I loved having a job, and looking at maps and checking mile markers was fun! When children have a job, they feel capable, valuable and powerful – as I did giving my dad directions on where to turn and answering his questions about landmarks, cross streets and distances. It was team work. As a bonus, I learned how to find my way around new locations, so when I traveled later, I felt very confident. Summer trips, even if they are simply across town, are rich in opportunities to learn.

Look at atlases and maps with your children. Teach them how to determine the number of miles from one location to another. Teach them the meaning of the symbols, such as highways, capitol cities, National Parks, trails, airports, mountains and rest areas. If you are on an urban adventure, take public transportation. Using your bus, metro or subway map, teach your children how to navigate. Which stop is the closest to your final destination? Do you need to transfer? What do the different numbers, letters or colors of the routes mean? Children will learn that maps and atlases are much more informative and fun than simply using Google for directions.

If you will be traveling, learn about your destination and the areas you will be traveling through before you depart. Each family member can pick a location, research it and make a presentation to the family. An afternoon of family presentations can be entertaining! Each of you can be tour guides preparing everyone to look for special things – including wildlife – along the way. You will not miss the largest frying pan in the world, alligators lying by the side of canals or all of those “See Rock City” signs because you will be on the lookout!

Keep the learning alive this summer!

Summer Suggestion #5: Notice every opportunity for learning

For more ideas for creating a cooperative and connected summer, please read Whole Hearted Parenting’s book, 20 Steps to a Summer that Rocks!

Creating a Summer that Rocks, Part 4!

2010-05-24T05:11:00.001-07:00

A little over two weeks remain in the school year here in south Florida. Students are preparing for exams and completing projects (or not!) and thinking about the last days of school. At Whole Hearted Parenting, we are thinking about more ways for you to create a summer that rocks! In Part 1 of this series, we talked about how your focus – the things you concentrate on or wish to accomplish – may be different during the summer. Today’s post is all about focusing on your child’s strengths.

In a few weeks when your child’s final report card comes home, consider what grades are going to get the greatest amount of attention. Will it be the A’s and B’s or that single C or D? It is typically the lowest grade that receives the most attention. Often the places where a child is struggling or is the most challenged are the places on which we focus. As Dr. Becky Bailey, author and creator of Conscious Discipline©, says, “We get what we focus on” and you’ve probably heard a variation on this concept, which is “what we focus on expands.” Shifting your focus from your child’s challenges to his strengths has many advantages.

One of the advantages of focusing on your child’s strengths is that it is encouraging. Isn’t is easy to slide into being critical and discouraging when talking with a child about that “D” on the report card, the dishes that were not put in the dishwasher or the uniforms that were not put in the dirty clothes hamper? By focusing on what your child does well and what he DOES do, you become more encouraging and he becomes more encouraged. As he becomes more encouraged, you will notice more things that he does well and more that he DOES do. What we focus on expands.

A second advantage is that as your child feels more capable about his successes, he will be more willing to take healthy risks that stretch his abilities. Self-esteem is feeling loveable and capable. As he feels more capable, his self-esteem will rise. He will feel more confident experiencing something new – something he may not be great at…yet!

Use the summer to focus on your child’s strengths. For instance, my daughter loves caring for younger children, and she is approaching the age when she can baby sit. This summer she will take a course to become a certified babysitter. Her love for children is her strength. Math is not. The success she will experience in learning the skills to be a babysitter will assist her in moving through the challenges of math. Encouragement is fuel for handling the difficult spots.

Summer Suggestion #4: Focus on your child’s strength’s.

For more ideas for creating a cooperative and connected summer, please read Whole Hearted Parenting’s book, 20 Steps to a Summer that Rocks!

Encouraging Life Long Learning, Even During the Summertime

2010-05-17T08:49:00.000-07:00

Please welcome Amy Webb, who is not only a wife, mother and Ph D in Human Development and Family Sciences, but also the author of a highly informative blog, The Thoughtful Parent. Amy has the gift of translating scientific research into understandable and usable information for parents.

by Amy Webb

With the school year winding down and summer just around the corner, many kids may think it’s time to turn off their brain. Parents, you know that there is a certain amount of “brain drain” that tends to happen during the summer when kids are not in school everyday. To help prevent this, summer is a great time to focus on learning skills and knowledge “outside the box” of the usual worksheets and homework. We all know that lifelong learning is important for everyone, even adults. Much research has shown the importance of continuing to challenge your brain and learn new skills as a way to build new neural connections and keep your brain healthy and vibrant.

Here are a few ideas for fun and educational activities to do with your kids this summer:

- Nature can be one of the best classrooms. Camping, hiking, and bird watching are all educational and fun for kids of many ages. There are beautiful state and national parks all across the country and admission is usually very reasonable. Geocaching is another great activity for older kids. It combines technology with treasure hunting.

- Most local libraries have wonderful summer reading programs for kids. Many programs include guest speakers, crafts, or competitions for reading the most books.

- Let’s be realistic; most kids will watch some TV during the summer. If you let your kids watch TV try to find an educational activity that coincides with it. For example, watch Finding Nemo and then go visit an aquarium or watch Night at the Museum and then go visit your local history museum.

- Visit a farm or farmer’s market and discuss where vegetables and meats are raised. Since most kids live in urban areas, many are not exposed to farms or gardens on a regular basis. It’s a great learning experience to understand that food does not originally come from the grocery store.

- If kids say they’re bored, challenge them to invent a new game or use an old game in a new way. Encourage them to create new rules for an old board game or card game.

- Encourage kids to learn a new skill during summer. I fondly remember learning to cook in grandma’s kitchen during the summer. Help them learn a musical instrument, learn to garden, or learn to build something. Many home improvement stores or nurseries offer kids’ programs that teach these skills.

- Help your kids learn about entrepreneurship. Of course, the classic lemonade stand is always a summer favorite but there are other ways as well. Older kids can help you or a neighbor organize and run a garage sale. Many times charity organizations need help with garage sales or auctions.

Take advantage of all the time available to kids during the summer and create a summer that rocks!

Creating a Summer that Rocks, Part 3!

2010-05-11T08:52:00.000-07:00

Four weeks and counting! Last week we talked about the advantages of planning organized activities in advance. Today our topic is the need for downtime during the summer. The two – planning and down time – are not mutually exclusive. In fact, it is great to plan down time.

It is inspiring to have activities over the summer. It is exhausting to be over-scheduled. Do you remember reading over the summer for as long as you wanted and then talking with your friends on the phone about the book? Did you get together with friends with an open day before you, decide what you were going to do and then play baseball, go swimming, write a play and perform it, or bake cookies and sell them? Having that flow of free time is wonderful. It is a terrific time for creativity.

In his book The Childhood Roots of Adult Happiness, Dr. Edward M. Hallowell identifies five things needed in childhood to become a happy adult. One of those five things is play. He means the kind of play with flow – the kind of play where it is about the journey not the destination. This is the kind of play that happens during down time.

As you plan your summer, provide gaps for down time. Large gaps! If your children claim boredom, leave them with the responsibility for how they handle their time. When you hear, “Mom, I’m bored” reply, “What are you going to do so you are not bored?” Here is where the creativity begins.

Summer Suggestion #3: Consciously create balance over your summer so that your children experience the advantages of down time.

For more ideas for creating a cooperative and connected summer, please read Whole Hearted Parenting’s book, 20 Steps to a Summer that Rocks!

Creating a Summer that Rocks, Part 2!

2010-05-03T07:39:00.000-07:00

We are now five weeks out in the count down to summer, and this is a great time to plan organized activities in advance. Planning in advance helps things to run more smoothly and with less stress. Smooth and stress-free sounds good!

Planning in advance can also give everyone in your family something to look forward to. Knowing that she is going to experience a summer sleep-away camp, a hiking trip, a theatre or arts program, or trip to see family allows your child to feel the excitement long before the actual event! Planning in advance also gives you time to get special items you may need, i.e., name tags for the inside of your camper’s clothes, and to fully enjoy the preparation rather than being caught up in last minute details.

If your child will be flying for the first time this summer, planning in advance gives you time to let him know what to expect. Describe what he will experience in the airport and on board the plane. Let her know about seatbelts, what the inside of the plane looks like, what take off and landings feel like, how to handle the bathroom, and what she can take onboard with her. You will even have time for a pre-trip visit to the airport!

The same is true for children who will be going to camp, whether a day camp or sleep-away, for the first time. Their experience will be much more comfortable if they know what to expect in advance, and being prepared will take away nothing from the adventure.

Many organized activities or programs may also fill up quickly. Summer camp programs are cranking into high gear. Reserve your space now to eliminate disappointments.

Summer Suggestion #2: Have a family meeting to brainstorm and plan what you will be doing this summer. Build the excitement and adventure!

For more ideas for creating a cooperative and connected summer, please read Whole Hearted Parenting’s book, 20 Steps to a Summer that Rocks!

Creating a Summer that Rocks!

2010-04-26T09:09:00.001-07:00

In less than six weeks, school will be out for the summer here in south Florida. As we begin the countdown to summer vacation, it is a great time to explore what you would like your family to experience this summer. Over the next few weeks, we will be discussing how to have a summer that rocks!

Shifting from school into summer is a transition for both children and parents. With any transition, there will be stress, and you may notice some increased misbehavior. You can reduce the stress by being aware of how you and your children’s routines, activities and focus will be different over the summer.

Routines
The times to wake up and go to bed may be different. Eating meals will be different. What your child wears each day will be different. Because routines create comfort, predictability and safety, a change in routines can be very stressful. Let your child know ahead of time how his routines will be different, and explore everyone’s ideas for a new “summer routine.”

Activities
Instead of the school activities that your child has come to anticipate, what will he be doing? During family meetings, brainstorm about things that everyone wants to learn and do over the summer. If there is something your child wanted to do but did not have time during the school year, here is his opportunity. Are there any programs going on in your community that are a good fit for your child’s interests? Do you want to have a “beach day” each week? Do you want to teach your child to cook, sew, knit or play a sport? Will he be in a camp and if so, what can he expect? This is the time to check in and see what your family is inspired to do.

Focus
Your child will not be focusing on tests, projects, homework and his school job. What will he be focusing on? What will be your focus for the summer? The more specific you are, the more helpful this will be. Explore what you would like to focus on over the summer.

Summer Suggestion #1: Plan a “See Ya Next Year” event. It could be a pool party, year book signing, visit to the ice cream parlor or a trip to the movies. It is a setting for saying goodbye for a few months. If you make an annual event out of it – a ritual – it can be something that everyone anticipates. You can keep a scrap book of each year’s event.

For more ideas for creating a cooperative and connected summer, please read Whole Hearted Parenting’s book, 20 Steps to a Summer that Rocks!

When It Hits Close to Home Part Deux

2010-04-19T07:57:00.001-07:00

As Laura Ingalls Wilder’s mother often said, “All’s well that ends well.” The experience that I reported last week has ended well.

The school administrator handled everything beautifully, first speaking with my daughter and then asking if she would like to be present when she spoke to the student who had slapped her. She did want to be present.

With the administrator’s kind guidance, it remained a conversation between two middle school girls and an adult facilitator rather than escalating into an inquest. No one was labeled and no one was blamed. I was happy to hear that my daughter assertively expressed herself and held the other young girl accountable for her actions when she said she had only been playing around. Slapping is not playing around, and that was made clear.

I also liked that the administrator asked the girls what kind of relationship they would like to have. Did they want to remain friends? If so, she told them it would require work and respect.

They agreed to do it.

Many gifts came from this experience. My daughter felt empowered to define how she wanted her relationships to be. Her friend learned limits. Both learned that friendship takes energy and understanding. I learned that the concepts in Redirecting Children’s Behavior™ that we have used in our family for over a decade really do inspire inner-directed, self-reliant and influential children.

It not only ends well, the next step begins well.

When it Hits Home

2010-04-13T09:40:00.000-07:00

Yesterday – exactly one week after writing the last post on Changing the Bully-Victim Paradigm – my daughter came home from school and let us knows that another student had slapped her across the face. As the three of us – my husband, daughter and I – sat down to talk about the incident, the thought that her school was not safe flashed through my mind. That thought did nothing but escalate my fear. I set that aside because what I wanted to discover more than anything else was how my daughter was showing up. In what way was she saying – through tone of voice, words, body language and presence – that it was even remotely possible for someone to hit her?

My daughter, who is in middle school, shared that she had been loaning books to two friends. Each girl would read the book and return it the next day. One friend returned book #5 in the series. While waiting for the bus to go home after school, the second girl, who is in the grade ahead of my daughter, demanded “Five!” My daughter felt intimidated, and instead of telling her that she needed it for her book log, she told her a lie. She said that the first girl had not given it back. In response, the second girl slapped her across the face. She had already been told by another girl that #5 had been returned to my daughter.

My daughter did not hit her back. She said, “That really hurt!” She then deflected a punch.

We talked about and demonstrated body language – assertive and passive – and the results of each one. We talked about the possibility that the girl who slapped her was on the receiving end at home, especially for lying. We talked about how the girl’s height and very demanding tone were intimidating. We talked about the options for responding to intimidating people and what our daughter wanted to do to handle the incident.

I felt proud for my daughter for many things. She told us about it, she did not hit back, she honestly explored her feelings, and she wanted to be actively involved in handling it at school. She also has some more learning and growing to do, so this conversation will continue.

Today I spoke with the school’s administrator, and it is now in her hands. I let her know that my goal for my daughter was for her learn to assertively express herself and to show up in a way that says “I am not for hitting.” My goal for the second girl was to learn another way to deal with her anger and to find a safe place to talk if she is being hit at home. The administrator will be calling me back after she talks with both of them individually.

I'll keep you posted.

Changing the Bully-Victim Paradigm

2010-04-05T14:18:00.000-07:00

Over the weekend I listened to the archive of author Pamela Dunn’s recent radio program Can the Bully Be Magnificent? Can the Victim be Powerful? Pam is the president of Your Infinite Life Training and Coaching Company, and she is writing a book on shifting the bully-victim paradigm. If you haven’t listened to the program, please do. In writing about the topic and the program before it aired, I wrote that “Pam will explore how our language often limits our ability to cooperate and be creative in seeing the magnificence in others, no matter the way they are acting.” This program was so much more than that.

I loved the discussion – rich in the principles from Redirecting Children’s Behavior™ (RCB) – between Pam and Leilani Long, a high school teacher in San Antonio who is successfully applying the RCB concepts in the classroom. Their conversation was about children, individual children with needs. Listening to Pam and Leilana, I realized that much of the time when we discuss bullying, it is talked about at the level of an epidemic. We forget the individual child and how children are drawn together in this dynamic.

When a child gets hurt – when a child dies – fear escalates our sadness to outrage. We label a child as either a “bully” or a “victim”, criminalizing one and disempowering the other. When we wage an assault on bullying – a war on aggression – we may raise awareness of issues; however, we fail to raise the self-awareness and self-acceptance of individual children. To do that, we can take Pamela Dunn’s suggestion and look inside.

Slow down and look inside. Teach children to slow down and look inside. Deal with individual children with unique faces, feelings, relationships and lives. Bring it down from an epidemic to a single face. That takes a different energy.

Know that when a child’s needs are met – he belongs, feels valuable, powerful, special, and loved – he is a contributing part of a team, family and classroom. He is neither aggressive nor compliant. When he belongs, he steps into who he really is, and that IS the solution. Look for the magnificent leader and the powerful individual. That is who they really are.

The war on bullying is our outrage, and outrage does not model solutions for children. If you slow down and look inside, your vision of a child’s magnificence – beyond any behaviors – will be what changes a child’s perception of himself. That is not outrage. It is love. And that is who YOU really are.

Our Choice of Words

2010-03-29T04:56:00.000-07:00

Our choice of words is powerful. Please visit http://www.momsmiami.com/ where I am blogging on this topic. Simply click on "Blogs". The post also mentions a terrific radio program airing live this Friday, April 2nd at 2:00 PM EST. The program is all about our language and how it can limit our creativity and flexibility, particularly as it pertains to bullies and victims. You can listen to the archived broadcast if you cannot make the live show. Have a great week!

GMO's

2010-03-15T13:34:00.000-07:00

March is National Nutrition Month. We really are what we eat, and Barry Sears, author of The Zone Diet, says that food is the most powerful drug we take. Every day our children ingest foods and beverages that we hope are nutritious and safe. We shop the outside aisles of the store to purchase foods that are “close to the earth” rather than the highly processed foods stocked in the inner aisles. We read labels so that we can avoid foods containing additives, dyes, high fructose corn syrup, and transfats. Unfortunately there is one “ingredient” that is not included on the product label, and to me, it is the scariest one of all – GMO’s.

According to the website Non-GMO Shopping Guide, a GMO – Genetically Modified Organism – “is the result of a laboratory process of taking genes from one species and inserting them into another in an attempt to obtain a desired trait or characteristic, hence they are also known as transgenic organisms. This process may be called either Genetic Engineering (GE) or Genetic Modification (GM); they are one and the same.” This Genetic Engineering is different from traditional cross breeding, grafting and hybridization. “With genetic engineering, scientists can breach species barriers set up by nature. For example, they have spliced fish genes into tomatoes. The results are plants (or animals) with traits that would be virtually impossible to obtain with natural processes, such as crossbreeding or grafting.”

There is no research showing that GM foods are safe. In fact, the American Academy of Environmental Medicine states, “several animal studies indicate serious health risks associated with GM food consumption including infertility, immune dysregulation, accelerated aging, dysregulation of genes associated with cholesterol synthesis, insulin regulation, cell signaling, and protein formation, and changes in the liver, kidney, spleen and gastrointestinal system.”

Without the benefit of a label, how can we avoid GM foods? Non-GMO Shopping Guide lists four ways:

1. Buy organic because certified organic products are not allowed to contain any GMO’s
2. Look for “NON-GMO” labels
3. Avoid at-risk ingredients such as those made from the “big four”: corn, soybeans, canola and cottonseed
4. Use the Non-GMO Shopping Guide available on the website

The shopping guide identifies GMO brands and non-GMO brands. I was sad to see that Morningstar Farms and Gardenburger may contain GMO ingredients. The list is very thorough and easy to follow, and it includes dairy, alternative dairy, meat, fish, eggs, alternative meat products, baked goods, baby food and formula, frozen foods, soups, sauces, canned foods, beverages and more. It even includes chocolate. Goodbye Ghiradelli.

I would add one more tip in addition to our vigilance – lobby Congress for mandatory labeling.

Raising Teens

2010-03-02T09:59:00.000-08:00

My daughter is twelve. It feels like only a short while ago that she loved for us to read to her at night and lie next to her until she fell asleep. I would carefully and ever so slowly move to get out of the bed so I wouldn’t wake her up. She loved to be carried and held and hugged. I knew in my head that the path towards falling asleep on her own and reading books independently was a good one. After all, our goal as parents is to raise self-reliant children. However, I didn’t know how much my heart would miss those connections. I didn’t know it would feel like a loss…like there was less love in my life. Having a teen or tween means learning to love and be loved in a different way.

My tween daughter now distributes her hugs sparingly. She doesn’t want us reading Percy Jackson books to her. She wants to read to us. She wants to talk to her friends and maybe give a high five on occasion to her parents. Our arguments seem to have a quicker trigger and escalate more rapidly. With the feelings of loss, the changes in our relationship and the desire to manage this stage of our family life with greater understanding, Haim Ginott – therapist and author – had the answers I was looking for.

Over forty years ago Haim Ginott published Between Parent and Teenager, and his ideas on conversations between parents and teenagers are still helpful today. Simply reading the dialogue put me in touch with what it felt like to be a teenager again. Heck, I remember feeling like that and saying those teenager things. I didn’t love my parents any less. I was simply on the roller coaster ride of discovering and becoming ME. The key points made by Ginott are so simple yet so meaningful:

· Parent with compassion
· Make it about handling the situation, not about the person
· Accept that in the natural course of events, we parents will feel uncomfortable, annoyed, irritated, angry and furious
· We are entitled to those feelings without guilt, regret or shame
· Express parental anger by stating how you feel clearly and without insult to a teenager’s personality or character
· State boundaries, limits and rules clearly, such as saying, “There is no place for acts of revenge or retaliation in our home. It is against my cherished values” after one teen pushes another off the bed in retaliation for a perceived insult
· Acknowledge your teen’s feelings without criticism or denial

Ginott says, “As parents, our need is to be needed; as teenagers their need is not to need us. This conflict is real; we experience it daily as we help those we love become independent of us. This can be our finest hour. To let go when we want to hold on requires utmost generosity and love. Only parents are capable of such painful greatness.”

This has become my daily practice along with cherishing the occasional, freely given hugs that completely fill my heart.

Teaching Children about Healthy Eating

2010-02-23T04:17:00.000-08:00

March is National Nutrition Month. Parents are a child's introduction to food, and we begin to shape our child's food preferences even before birth, according to Dr. Alan Greene, author of Feeding Baby Green. As we learn more about the impact of nutrition on our health, we also realize how vital it is that we teach our children about healthy eating. From finishing their vegetables as a toddler to making healthy choices in the school lunch line, we want our children to understand the connection between what they eat right now and their energy, their feelings, their weight, and their future health. We also want to avoid quibbling over every carrot and candy bar. Here are steps that parents can take to teach their children important things about eating healthy.

Keep it Peaceful
What our child eats or doesn’t eat at the dinner table can easily become a power struggle trigger. When we pressure our child to eat something he does not want – even when we know that it is good for him – he may resist even more. Eating then becomes more about resisting and less about health and enjoyment. To avoid power struggling over food, remind yourself that your job is simply to present healthy meals to your family. Commit to keeping mealtime peaceful.

Keep the Connection of Food to Feelings and Energy
Maintain an ongoing casual conversation with your child about the impact of the food we eat on how we feel and on how much energy we have on tap for the things we want to do. If you notice that your child becomes cranky, lethargic, jumpy or scattered after eating sugar, processed foods or foods with artificial colors, ask him how he is feeling. Ask him to notice his energy levels. Ask your child to notice how he feels after eating raw fruit or a healthy, balanced lunch. Include the questions, “How do you want to feel?” and “How much energy do you want?” If your child complains of feeling tired, make the food connection. When was his last meal and what did he eat? Following a healthy snack, ask him to check out his new energy level.

Keep it Varied
Offer an array of different foods throughout the week, including new foods, and offer new foods many times. If your child says he does not like a new food, continue to offer it over several months – up to twenty times – so that it becomes familiar and he has more opportunities to sample it. Offer the new food prepared in a variety of ways. Add some adventure by preparing food from different cultures and countries.

Keep Health His Responsibility
Our health is our responsibility. As our children get older, their health becomes something for them to own. For example, we made an early connection between dairy consumption and ear infections with our daughter. When she was younger, we limited her dairy consumption. As an eleven-year-old, she began to monitor her intake of dairy, knowing if she ate or drank it more than a few times a week, she would most likely get sick.

Children feel very valuable when they help prepare meals. Together, plan menus for the week and shop for ingredients. Include menus for school lunches in your planning, and let your child begin to make his own lunch when age-appropriate.

Children’s cookbooks offer recipes for children as young as four. Mollie Katzen is the author of many beautifully illustrated and healthy cookbooks for children, including Salad People, Honest Pretzels, and Pretend Soup. American Girl also offers cookbooks for young people.

Keep it Real and Balanced
No matter how healthy we eat home, our child will probably have a piece of cake at a birthday party or drink a soda with a friend. If we keep it in balance – avoiding “outlawing” all soft drinks or criminalizing cake – our children will keep it in balance, too. As vegetarians, we have walked that tightrope. We have made eating meat a choice for our daughter and have requested that she choose vegetarian meals at school. Loving Mexican food, she once opted to eat tacos with ground beef for lunch in the cafeteria. She ended up coming home with a stomach ache. By avoiding the extreme of “you may never eat meat,” she took the responsibility for her food choices, we avoided power struggles over food, and she was clearly aware of the food-feeling connection.

Trampoline of Self-Esteem

2010-02-15T13:07:00.000-08:00

February is National Boost Self-Esteem Month. High self-esteem is sometimes compared to an umbrella that shelters a child from harmful choices and unhealthy risks. There is an old image, maybe from an ancient Mother Earth News, of a child under an umbrella marked “Self-Esteem,” and it shielding her from drugs, alcohol, violence, promiscuity, suicide and addiction. All of those scary labels are coming down from the sky like rain. Yikes! Comparing self-esteem to a trampoline feels better. Self-esteem as a trampoline gives a child the bounce to stretch herself in the world, to take healthy chances, and to rebound when things don’t go as she had hoped. The trampoline metaphor has a much more empowering energy. Y ou can reach for the sky rather than protect yourself from things falling from it. You can jump!

We parents can benefit from a few jumps on that trampoline from time to time. In our efforts to effectively discipline to build our child's self-esteem, we sometimes forget about our own. When you really think about it, fostering respect and appreciation in our relationships – especially those with our children – begins with fostering respect and appreciation in our relationship with our self.

For parents who wish to discipline for high self-esteem: Listen more and monitor your tone of voice when speaking with your children.

Trampoline for Parental Self-Esteem: Listen more to you – your body, emotions and inner dialogue – and check out the tone of voice you use in your inner dialogue. Is your body relaxed or stressed? Are you composed or upset? Is your self-talk encouraging or discouraging? Does your inner tone of voice sound respectful and appreciative or sarcastic and diminishing? You are the only one who can listen to your body, emotions and inner dialogue. There is no one else who can. It is your gift. Begin by spending five minutes each morning and evening listening to you. You deserve to be heard! After listening, care for yourself. Care for your body. Care for yourself emotionally. Become self-encouraging so that your self-talk is full of kind, caring words.

For parents who wish to discipline for high self-esteem: Give your children choices.

Trampoline for Parental Self-Esteem: Give yourself choices so that you do things because you “get to” rather than because you “have to”. You get to cook dinner or you get to say that you don’t want to cook dinner. You get to take your child to piano practice or you get to request that someone else take your child to practice because there is something you would like to do. Exercise your choices. Ask for what you want.

F. Scott Fitzgerald said, "The world only exists in your eyes – your conception of it. You can make it as big or as small as you want to." The view from the trampoline is a big wide open sky. Come on and jump!

Building Your Child's Confidence

2010-02-01T08:58:00.000-08:00

Many thanks to Tina Nocera, author and founder of www.ParentalWisdom.com, for this guest post, which is totally in alignment with the concepts in Redirecting Children's Behavior. High self-esteem is the result of children feeling both capable and lovable. Children learn how capable they are by doing things. Turn over to your child something that you are doing for him that he is capable of doing himself.

I've been used to my GPS constantly correcting me and requesting that I make a legal U-turn when possible; but the other day it simply didn't work. There I was, left to fend for myself.

Quite frankly I am directionally challenged, and not able to look at a map and figure out where I am or where I'm headed. At that point I realized how much dependency I put on the GPS, and now it failed me. In reality I failed myself by not having enough of a foundation to figure things out. I realized that without the GPS, I was lost.

There isn't any difference in the world of parenting. Our job is to give our children a good foundation, but it's the confidence they build in handling situations that creates one of life's most important characteristics; self reliance. Much like me without the GPS, your children will be lost without self-reliance.

Think about how we teach children to ride a two-wheeler. You put the training wheels on and then kept loosening them up little by little until they are confident enough to take the ride without any training wheels at all.

p.s. Great hint - -when you're running along side the bike, it's a great idea for you to be in rollerblades. It makes the job so much easier!

Here are some ways to make sure that you're heading in the right direction in teaching self-reliance (no pun intended):

1. Let the kids make some decisions as early as possible. So what if they're wearing stripes and polka-dots?

2. Demonstrate that you are always solving little problems and learning along the way. Aren't you? After all, who figured out how to install the new TV?

3. Move from being 'the all wise and powerful' mom or dad to a coach. Tell them less about how they should do something, and instead raise questions they could answer for themselves. "Why do you think your friends responded that way?"

4. Be a great support system. They might need your encouragement to try again, or a little harder, or in taking a slightly different approach. If they come to you for permission to give up, don't make it so easy for them.

5. Responsibilities are very important for building self reliance. Even with very young children, assign chores that make them part of a family that works together. For example, for a child as young as age 3, take digital pictures of them making their bed; 1) put the pillow in place, 2) smooth the sheets and lift the blankets, and 3) lift and smooth out the comforter. Laminate the pictures and put them near the bed so they can see how well they did.

Are Kids Getting Enough Exercise?

2010-01-25T14:24:00.000-08:00

Many thanks to Joanna Dolgoff, MD, (http://drweigh.com/blog/) for this guest post:

The Age of Computers and Television has also become the Age of the Couch Potato. Instead of running outside to play, our kids choose to sit down and text. This decrease in activity level is contributing to the current child obesity epidemic. One third of all children in the United States are overweight or obese and at risk for medical illness because of their weight. Is your child part of that group? If so, insufficient exercise could be partly to blame.

A new study from the British Heart Foundation revealed that the vast majority of parents overestimate the amount of time their kids exercise. According to this study, seven out of ten parents think their kids get enough exercise but only one in ten actually meets current recommendations. Most parents don’t even know what the current recommendations are! The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends one hour of exercise almost every day of the week. Few children get even half that amount.

And many people confuse “physical activity” with “exercise”. True exercise requires an increase in heart rate and the inability to speak in full sentences. Your child is not working hard enough if she can carry on a conversation while she is moving. The next time your child is exercising, try this “talk test”. Ask her a question and see how she answers it. If she responds fluidly without any huffing and puffing, ask her to turn the intensity of her exercise up a notch. You can be sure your child is really exercising is she takes deep breaths between words.

Parents often believe that their kids are exercising whenever they play a sport. Yet many sports do not get a child’s heart rate up enough to constitute true exercise. Consider baseball; a child playing baseball spends most of his time sitting on the bench waiting to bat or standing in the field waiting for the ball. I always tell my patients that baseball isn’t exercise! Of course, a baseball practice that includes running drills is an exception and would be considered real exercise.

When parents ask me if a particular sport is considered exercise, I tell them that it depends. When my daughter first started to play soccer, she would stand on the sideline and watch the other kids run with the ball. If the ball would happen to come to her, she would kick it. Clearly, this was not exercise. But fast-forward two years later and she is a soccer animal! She runs up and down the field, trying to get the ball and score. Now she is exercising!

How can you ensure that your child is getting enough exercise? I recommend scheduling your child’s exercise just as you schedule a doctor’s appointment. Decide in advance when your child has the time to exercise and put it on the calendar. The key is to keep these appointments. Being tired or not in the mood does not constitute a reason to skip an exercise session. Would you skip a doctor’s appointment for those reasons? Of course not! Treat your exercise sessions the same way.

Remember, 70% of parents incorrectly believe their kids are getting enough exercise. Do not be part of that group! Examine your child’s exercise routine with an unbiased eye and make sure that she is getting the exercise she needs.

Life in Balance

2010-01-11T17:58:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year! January is National Life in Balance Month, and what better month to take stock of our lives than January? We are at the beginning of a new year and a new decade. Taking stock is different from making a New Year’s Resolution. New Year’s Resolutions always feel like things that you make yourself do because you should. The force – “make yourself” – and the “should” are set ups for sabotage. It’s difficult to feel encouraged or inspired whenever force is a part of the equation. Taking stock, on the other hand, is reflection. It is spending time in honor of your life.

Check the scales of your life. Are they level and in balance? Level and balanced doesn’t mean excitement is missing. It means that you are nurturing or feeding all of the parts of who you are in the amounts that suit you best. Is your body nourished or is it neglected? Are you enjoying your social self, connecting with friends and family? Are you fully expressing yourself emotionally? Are you growing spiritually? Are you feeling purposeful in your work life? Being out of balance is spending too much time on one aspect of your life at the expense of others. Being in balance is nourishing all of you.

Robert Fulghum, author of All I Needed to Know I Learned in Kindergarten, advised that we live a balanced life. He suggested that we “learn some and think some and draw some and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some.” He also paired this advice with “warm cookies and milk are good for you” and “take a nap every afternoon.” All good!

One of the biggest ways to tip the scales out of balance is multi-tasking. Long thought to be the way towards über productivity, studies now show multi-tasking actually hinders productivity and learning. When Robert advised us to take naps, sing, dance, paint, and work, he did not advise that we do them all at the same time. Sing a little, then paint a little, then work a little, then go for that afternoon nap!

In this New Year, take stock, honor all of you and regain balance one step at a time. Then teach your children to do the same so that they honor all aspects of who they are.

2010 Parent's Top Ten List

2009-12-29T11:24:00.000-08:00

For four years, Whole Hearted Parenting has presented the annual Parent’s Top Ten List which contains ten suggestions for creating a more harmonious, cooperative and respectful family in the New Year. You can get your free 2010 Parent's Top Ten List by clicking here. Because this list is succinct – no explanations of the concepts – you may be curious about the “why” behind some of the suggestions. Y ou may also be wondering what difference you might see in your family if you practiced a few or all of the suggestions on the list. Let’s look in more detail at a few ideas from our 2010 Parent’s Top Ten list.

Suggestion #1 is Notice and recognize your child’s improvements. Sometimes it is easy to only notice – and point out – a child’s misbehavior, mistakes or shortcomings. If a child makes A’s and B’s on his report card along with one C, the C often gets the most attention. Begin to notice even small improvements. A challenge in our house is my daughter getting ready for school in the morning. That is my challenge. She is happy not getting ready for school! Part of her job in getting ready for school is turning off the lights, radio, and the fan in her room. Another part of her job is putting all of her dirty clothes in her hamper. Rather than feedback being about the things she did not do – You forgot to put your clothes in the hamper – it is more encouraging to recognize the things that she did do – You turned off the fan and radio. That’s great! Focusing on your child’s successes and improvements is not only encouraging for your child, but for you as well. What we focus on is what we get, so the more we focus on improvements, the more improvements we will see. Notice how you feel and what you are thinking when you shift your focus in this way. If you are thinking “Man, how many times do we have to go through this before she cleans up after herself?” you will most likely feel frustrated or angry. Your frustration and anger will be reflected in your tone of voice. If you are thinking, “She is getting it! The clothes are in the hamper!” you will feel encouraged. You will feel better AND be more encouraging with your child.

Suggestion #3 is Eliminate “don’t”, “share” and “be nice” from your vocabulary. Let’s look at each of these. The curious thing about “don’t” is that we don’t really recognize it. For instance, if someone said to you, “Don’t look at the person on your right. Don’t look!” you will probably (and immediately!) look to your right. Our brains do not process the “don’t.” The choices are overwhelming! To create clarity for your children, tell them specifically what you would like them to do rather than what not to do. I nstead of “Don’t jump on the bed” or “Don’t put your feet on the couch” say, “Sit on the bed” or “Feet down.”

“Share” and “be nice” are used frequently with younger children. Children learn to share on their own without parental intervention. In fact, when parents request that their children share, most of the time their children are too young to understand what it means. Have faith that your child will willingly share and will learn to do so through his own social relationships.

Saying “Be nice” has a double whammy. First, children do not understand what it means so they are not clear on what to do to be nice. Second, it gives the message that unless we tell our child to “be nice” that they are unkind, bad or whatever their view of “not nice” is. To avoid this double whammy, tell your child what you want him to do. If your child is grabbing toys from a friend say, “Toys are for picking up gently. Use toys these toys on the floor. Mary is playing with that one.” You can also say, “Ask Mary to hand you the toy you would like to use. Grabbing can hurt.” Talk about these skills in terms of “friendship” or “teamwork” skills. If your child is going over to a friend’s house say, “Have fun! Use your friendship skills.”

The language that we use is powerful. Our focus is powerful. Enjoy your 2010 Parent’s Top Ten List and let us know what shifts for you!

iPods, Nintendos and Cell Phones, Oh My!

2009-12-08T04:22:00.000-08:00

If you have a child or grandchild who is of school age, there is no doubt that you -- or Santa -- have received a request for an electronic device as a holiday gift. The request could be for an iPod, a cell phone, a Nintendo, a DVD or a Wii. The choices seem endless! You probably also heard that "everyone in my class (or school or the universe) has one". Many parents are in a serious quandry about children and electronics -- from the high price tag for a gift for a young child to the impact that use of the device has on the child's development.

You know your child. Use that knowledge in making your decision about giving an electronic gift. You can also set healthy limits on the use of any electronic devices -- including television viewing. Here are a few recommendations from Whole Hearted Parenting on managing electronics:

· Place electronics only in common areas of the home, not in a child’s bedroom.
· Monitor electronic game use and content.
· Set a clear structure around use of electronics that includes homework and household responsibilities first being completed before plugging in. Include limits on the length of time children are permitted to have “screen time”.
· Do not permit use of electronics before breakfast, right before bedtime or during meals.
· Unplug! Turn off the television, computer and game devices. If you are drawing a blank on what comes next or how to handle a bored child, here is a great resource. Awarded the Good Parenting Seal by Parental Wisdom (www.parentalwisdom.com), Unplugged Play: No Batteries, No Plugs, Pure Fun, is a parent’s guide to over 700 ways to inspire valuable, creative play.
· Establish a family game night to play board and card games together.
· Create and tell stories as a family.
· Encourage kids to move more. Screen time is sedentary time. Permit unstructured outdoor play.
· Reconnect with nature – plant a garden, walk in the woods, talk about trees and insects and watch the sky!

Happy Holidays!

The Key to Enjoying the Holidays

2009-11-30T18:13:00.000-08:00

Whole Hearted Parenting’s blogs and podcasts during the last month have been about creating peace during the holiday chaos, shifting the focus to giving and gratitude, and choosing stress-reducing gifts for parents. Today, after mailing a dozen boxes to family and friends for the holidays, I was thinking that the key to enjoying the season was organization – planning ahead, checking items off the agenda and then relaxing with a big sigh when I was done. Yes, there is a certain satisfaction to being complete with tasks. Even thought I did feel lightness in my being when walking out of the post office, my epiphany was realizing that completion and planning were not the keys at all.

For the holidays – and for life, really – waiting until the agenda items are all complete to allow yourself to experience the joy of the season – and of life, really – means postponing the wonder of the moment. I realized that I do this postponing a lot, constantly running through that mental check list, especially when it involves an event or a special occasion. That kind of thinking restricts enjoyment. I also realized that even when I feel the relief of having completed the tasks, the actual event feels less potent because I had stopped enjoying the moment in preparation for enjoying the moment!

The key to enjoying the holidays is not planning, organization, or having the most detailed checklist. It is deciding to enjoy the holidays. Once you make that decision, the experience begins. When you find yourself scanning your mental agenda or feeling stressed, decide again to enjoy every moment. With that decision, you are in the driver's seat. It is you driving your enjoyment rather than your agenda driving you.

Decide right now to enjoy every moment and see what a difference it makes! Let me know how it happens for you.

Holiday Gifts that Reduce Stress for Parents

2009-11-23T08:35:00.000-08:00

Nicole Flamer – mother of three children on the autism spectrum and host of the radio program You Aut to Know – opened our interview on Sunday, November 15th with the findings from a recent study on the mothers of children with autism. The study, published in the Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, found that the levels of a hormone associated with stress were extremely low with these moms, consistent with those experiencing chronic stress, such as soldiers in combat. In the interview, we talked about the stresses of parenting and what parents can do to increase balance, calm and composure.

With the holidays approaching, I began thinking about gifts for parents that would assist them in handling stress – gifts with the direct payoff of increased calm. What better gift could there be? Here follows a list of gift ideas that parents can put on their wish lists. These are ideas for grandparents who are looking for a gift that would truly make a difference for their children and their grandchildren. There are even some suggestions for gifts for children to give their parents, and they cost absolutely nothing. Parental stress directly impacts children, spouses and the “weather” in the family, so consider a gift that creates calm.

Gifts that Relax the Body
These gifts not only relax the body but also carve out a special time for stressed parents to nurture themselves. Give the gift of a massage or series of massages. There are massage therapists who will work in your home, or if you think mom or dad would benefit more by experiencing a relaxing massage away from home, find a spa or chiropractor’s office that has a licensed massage therapist on staff. Giving a series of massages will encourage your recipient to continue on a regular basis.

A card for a series of yoga classes will also assist parents in taking time for themselves each week. Yoga impacts both the mind and the body. Through the breathing exercises and asanas – the postures practiced in yoga – parents will restore and maintain their sense of well-being, increase their strength and flexibility and gain the skills to regain composure outside of the class.

Gifts that Provide Time and Support
If you check out your thoughts when you are feeling stressed, you might notice that they are usually about “not enough.” For instance, you might be thinking “I don’t have enough time for this” if your child spills a glass of milk right before leaving for school or “I don’t have enough help” if you are exhausted and have one more load of laundry to do. Those thoughts, which Dr. Becky Bailey calls “trigger thoughts”, take you from calm to angry. A gift that provides time and support can make a huge difference.

Consider making coupons that entitle the owner to one hour of babysitting, one hour of laundry, or cooking a meal. Children can make a book of coupons offering their services to clean up the kitchen after dinner, make mom or dad a cup of tea, feed the family pets, or fold clothes.

This can become a fun craft project and making your coupon booklet is easy to do on the computer.

Gifts that Provide Parental Guidance
When parents have the tools in their parenting tool box, they are more flexible and relaxed when things come up. Consider giving the gift of a parenting course. This will not only reduce parental stress but it will also positively impact the family for generations.

The International Network for Children and Families offers the Redirecting Children’s Behavior™ Course. Check the website for resources and instructors in your area. If you are in south Florida, visit RCB South Florida.

To equip families to build a connected and cooperative family team in 2010, Whole Hearted Parenting is offering a holiday Creating Family Team Package loaded with experiential exercises that build effective communication and cooperation. Parents will watch their children become leaders and supportive team members as the family engages in family meetings, setting family goals and creating a family mission statement. The Package consists of three hours of individual coaching, the three-part Success Strategies for Family Meetings program, and two fun and informative books.

When thinking about your holiday gift for the parents in your family and network of friends, go for one that relaxes the body and mind, provides time and support or provides parental guidance. Your gift can help make 2010 the best year ever for the entire family.

Peaceful Holidays Part 1

2009-11-02T08:55:00.000-08:00

Halloween is over and the holiday rush will soon begin. We all have special memories of the holidays, and as parents, we want to create equally special memories for our children. The relentless commercial pressure to purchase the latest toys and gadgets can make it challenging to keep the holidays focused on love, gratitude and peace. The changes in normal routines – even fun changes like visiting family members – can be disruptive. To create those endearing and enduring memories, we can employ some tips for managing what we do during this wonderful time of the year. Here are a few suggestions to make your holidays peaceful:

Have a plan to handle requests for gifts. Having a plan to handle the requests will help you parent peacefully. Here are a few suggestions:

a. Create a request list (i.e., a letter for Santa or wish list) and route all gift requests to that list. When asked to purchase something, say “That sounds like a great addition to your list!”

b. Avoid commercial television, a huge source of advertising aimed at children.

c. Avoid power struggling over requests. When your child says, “Look at how pretty! Please buy it for me!”, follow these three steps to prevent a power struggle:
o Make them right (“You are right! That is such a pretty doll!”)
o Acknowledge their desire (“I would want a doll like that, too!”)
o Fantasize about it (“What would you do with that pretty doll? What clothes would she wear? How would she get along with your other doll?”)

For more on Peaceful Holidays, please listen to our Parenting Tip of the Week at http://www.lexy.com/feed/?id=576. We will be talking about ideas for peaceful holidays for the next few weeks. At http://www.wholeheartedparenting.com/ you will also find articles under "Resources" and our e-book, Parenting Week by Week has several chapters on reducing the stress and creating holiday family rituals.

Talk So Your Children Listen

2009-10-06T06:22:00.000-07:00

This week – Wednesday, October 7th to be exact – we are doing a teleseminar on How to Talk so Children Listen. It could truthfully be called Be Heard by Everyone because we address powerful communication skills that are helpful in any relationship. If you are feeling the frustration of constantly repeating yourself, seeing your child’s rolling eyes and arms crossed tightly over his chest, hearing the myriad of excuses, receiving defensiveness and a lack of cooperation, this is the workshop for you.

How DO we talk so that children listen to us?

One way is to actively listen with full attention to your child. Not only will that model the kind of listening you desire from him, it will also let your child know he is heard. Active listening involves making eye contact, maintaining a body posture that shows interest (such as your body forward with arms at your side rather than crossed) and an interested expression. You do not have to actually say anything. Get down on your child’s level or bring him up to yours and listen with full focus.

Another communication skill is to look for the feelings behind your child’s behavior and behind his words and then acknowledge them. For instance, if your child says, “Mary said she is not my friend,” an empathetic response might be, “That must have hurt.” A non-empathetic rescuing response might be, “That Mary is such a mean girl. I’ll have a talk with her mother.” The rescuing response stops the communication. The empathetic response that gives a name to your child’s feelings is an invitation to a conversation. Those are conversations in which we really get to know our child and they get to know us. They are rich.

Another helpful communication tip is to simply describe the problem rather than tell your child what to do. This allows him to take responsibility without engaging in a power struggle. By simply stating the problem, there is nothing for him to push against.

I invite you to join us Wednesday, October 7th at 9:00 PM for more on How to Talk so Your Child Listen. Click Here to register.

Parenting Blogs: A Great Resource

2009-09-29T07:18:00.000-07:00

It seems like everybody is blogging! Blogs are a terrific resource for all kinds of things, including parenting. With the frequent updates, variety of topics, and different views, blogs can give you new information, assist you in seeing things in a new way, and point you to another blog with even more information! Here are a few blogs on parenting that you might find helpful:

· MomsMiami – Edited by Charlene Pacenti and sponsored by The Miami Herald, MomsMiami is a very comprehensive blog, with Mom2Mom forums, lists of events for children, video and a place to “swap your stuff.” I blog for MomsMiami and enjoy it very much. Charlene arranges events at interesting places and has included our RCB South Florida team as speakers.

· Parental Wisdom –Tina Nocera of ParentalWisdom.com created and writes this blog, and her articles are thoughtful, loving and timely. Posts include “It’s a Bird; It’s a Plane; It’s a Helicopter Parent!”, “Pets Help Kids through Divorce”, and “Paying Our Dues to be Part of the Village.” Tina is a skillful connector, and I enjoy reading her posts.

· Sun-Sentinel – The Sun-Sentinel recently launched their parenting blog called Moms & Dads, and I’ve been invited to join their team of guest bloggers. Sun-Sentinel staff write columns, so there are a variety of topics and views.

· One Year in the Making – Although not specifically written for parents, the posts by Marijo Puleo are uplifting to read and carry over into parenting. Marijo writes inspiringly of family and her journey.

To find blogs, go to Google and click on “more” at the top. From the drop-down list, choose “Blogs” and then enter your search criteria.

Let me know your parenting blog discoveries and I’ll post them here and add them to Parenting News. Blog on!

Redirecting Children's Behavior

2009-09-21T11:27:00.000-07:00

I’ve been talking to groups and individuals lately about power struggles and how the use of force is different from the use of influence. Power struggles – those tug-of-wars over who is right and who is the boss – are universal. You’ve probably experienced them with your children, spouse, manager, co-workers, and your own parents. Recall the amount of energy you are willing to spend proving how right you are! Ever notice that with all of that energy, nothing ever gets done? Nothing is accomplished in a power struggle and no one wins.

Through continual power struggles, a child learns that he can feel powerful when he resists, powerful when he proves that others are not the boss of him, and powerful because mom goes ballistic. The truth is we want our child to learn to feel powerful through cooperation, powerful through negotiation, powerful through helpfulness, and powerful through concern for others. Children who feel powerful in those positive ways grow into adults who are empowered. They then raise children who are empowered. When your child feels powerful, he will not power struggle. He has other options. When you feel powerful, you will not over-power your child. You have other options.

Your young children are not going to end the power struggles. It is up to you. There may not be a model for you to visualize when you decide to parent in a different way. That was how it was for me. I had no clue how to handle resistance without force. Taking the Redirecting Children’s Behavior™ course was the kick-start for my journey. It was in the RCB course that I learned how to recognize power struggles, how to get out of them and how to prevent them. The workshop on power struggles is still my favorite after ten years of teaching RCB because every day I see the difference that using that information has made in my family.

If you are experiencing power struggles at home, I invite you to take Redirecting Children’s Behavior™. You will become more influential and more peaceful. It will make a difference in your life, your family life and the next generation.

To find information on courses in south Florida, click here. To find courses across the country, click here.

One New Thing

2009-06-23T09:37:00.000-07:00

Summer is a special time. It can be a time of flow, during which children and adults experience less structure, more creativity in activities and the time to do something new. In fact, one step in creating a highly connected, cooperative summer with your family is to commit to doing one new thing together.

Remember the Billy Crystal film City Slickers in which a group of guys does something different every year? They ran with the bulls in Pamplona, did some skydiving and went on a cattle drive with Jack Palance. City Slickers was our in-flight film on a trip to France in 1995, and it inspired me to learn to ride horses. Having always loved horses, I had been too afraid of them to ride. The message we got as children was that horseback riding meant certain death. The film inspired me to learn something new and get over my fear. Riding evolved into owning a horse, meeting many terrific people involved with horses and even competing in a few hunter-jumper shows. I did break my hand, AND I’m still here to talk about how much fun it was! It was also something that my husband and I did together and we later introduced our daughter to riding.

Commit to doing something new as a family this summer. Talk about it with your children in a family meeting and decide by consensus what experience you wish to have. From staying at a dude ranch, climbing, or learning to scuba dive or ice skate, your family will create amazing memories as well as build a connected family team. Everyone will feel capable as they learn something new and someone may even discover a new hobby or passion. A decade from now you will be saying, "Do you remember the summer when we did _____?" You fill in the blank!

Explore nineteen other suggestions in Twenty Steps to a Summer that Rocks! Cooperate, Coordinate and Connect while Creating an Amazing Summer, available at our bookstore.

Inspire a family by sharing the experience that you most remember from your childhood summers. Add your comments!

Speak the Most Powerful Love Language

2009-06-15T08:24:00.000-07:00

With many moms and dads travelling for work, we are seeing more of what I term “frequent flyer families.” Time zone changes, length of time spent working away from home and one parent single-handedly assuming the responsibilities at home are all challenging. Parents may also be experiencing what Jeff Kleinman calls “shift parenting” where both parents are at home but each parent works a different shift on the job. One parent may assume morning tasks at home and the other assume the “homework shift.” Keeping connected as a couple can be difficult in both circumstances.

Here is where knowing our own love language as well as the love languages of our spouse and children can make a huge difference. Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell wrote The Five Love Languages of Children to assist parents in discovering their child’s primary and secondary love languages. Speaking all five languages is terrific and really focusing in on your child’s primary and secondary love languages speaks volumes.

My primary love language is gifts. From the first time my dad opened his suitcase and pulled out a doll that he had brought me from one of his international Air Force missions, I felt totally loved.

Knowing your own primary love language allows you to let others know how they can best let you know that you are loved. Knowing your child’s and spouse’s love languages allows you to help them fill what Chapman and Campbell call the “emotional love tank.”

If you are a “frequent flyer family,” you will know to put love letters in your spouse’s suitcase if his primary love language is words of affirmation or to let him know that you fixed that leaky faucet if it is acts of service.

If it is physical affection, you will know to plan a little “shift overlap” time for a backrub or for simply being together watching a sunrise or sunset if his language is time.

Discover your love language and share it with your family. Find out each family member’s primary love language and speak it often. Running on a full “emotional love tank” is awesome!

Aren't We All on the Same Side?

2009-06-09T11:26:00.000-07:00

“The Other Side of Adoption” appeared in the June 7th Akron Beacon Journal. It is about Celeste Billhartz, who was adopted as an infant and is now collecting stories from “women who didn’t have any say in surrendering their newborns.” Travelling a path blazed by Ann Fessler, author of the 2007 book The Girls Who Went Away: The Hidden History of Women Who Surrendered Children for Adoption in the Decades before Roe v. Wade, Celeste is in the process of creating a coffee table book and a theatrical production from the stories and poems of the mothers she interviewed.

Celeste is shining a light on the adoption process to end coercion. She is placing an honoring spotlight on birthmothers. On her website, The Mother’s Project, she is also asking that we end adoption. She urges ”women-of-conscience to not adopt”. She even accuses those who adopt – termed “adopters” – of participating in abuse and “behaving like greedy, selfish pigs.” The light feels quite a bit dimmer.

Instead, let’s shine a light for strong adoption laws that honor birthparents and adopting parents. Let’s shine a light on our past by permitting access to original birth certificates. People who were adopted, and I am one of them, deserve to know their biological history.

Let’s recognize the truth of adoption. As one reader posted “While I do feel for the women who were coerced and tricked into signing adoption papers, I ask them to remember that their story is not every woman’s story. I know first hand that adoption can be a very positive choice for a birth mother.” Choice is the keyword. The truth is in choice.

Viewing the adoption process as an immoral system driven by infertile white women bent on spending thousands of dollars to buy babies does nothing to end coercion. More important than the fact that this is not true, blame does nothing to empower birthmothers. In fact it has the opposite effect – it is self-victimizing. It turns off the light to the magnificence of who birthmothers really are – who all mothers really are.

Let’s turn on the light. We are all in this together. We are all on the same side.

The Exhausted Parent Part Deux

2009-06-01T09:49:00.000-07:00

It was such a pleasure meeting Jeff and Beth Kleinman at a workshop for MomsMiami.com on Saturday. Not only were they totally enjoyable to talk with, but after the workshop, Jeff posted a blog on the very real topic, “the exhausted parent.”

We need energy to parent consciously, and it is vital that parents take care of themselves. When we do, we model taking care of ourselves for our children and we have the energy to parent responsively rather than reactively. When we are exhausted, we may become what Jeff termed “the explosive parent,” a humorous twist on the book The Explosive Child. Our knee-jerk reactions, especially when we are tired, stressed, or sick, are usually the things we look at in retrospect and wish we had done differently.

What can we do when we are out of steam and just don’t want to do one more thing?

· Recognize when you are tired. Let your body be your barometer. If we deny our exhaustion and continue to press on, we resent what we are doing. Our resentment shows up in how we talk to our children.

· Find time to do what recharges you. Listen to calming music on the way home from work. Meditate. Walk. Read. Ask for time alone at home for fifteen minutes. Take twenty minutes each day just for you.

· Request support. Our family is our first team, and sometimes leaders – parents, presidents and CEO’s – get tired. As a leader, it is great to ask your family for support not only because you will receive some welcome assistance but also because your children learn how to contribute to their team.

· Give your children more responsibilities around the house. Young children are very capable of washing dishes, assisting with cooking, folding clothes and much more. As an extra bonus, they will begin to recognize just how capable they are! As an even extra bonus, you will begin to recognize that you do NOT have to do it ALL.

· Reconnect with your spouse or partner. I feel the most stressed when my husband travels. If you feel like you are a member of a tag team who only exchanges information like ships passing in the night, take time out to reconnect. Have a weekly date night (or day!). Refreshing Relationships is an amazing weekend course to rekindle the love and connect at a very deep level.

· Monitor your self-talk. It is difficult to be cheery when your inner conversation is discouraging and stressful. If you notice that you are thinking what Dr. Becky Bailey calls “not enough” thoughts – not enough time, not enough energy, not enough money, not enough support – shift your thoughts to ones that are more encouraging.

· Acknowledge your gratitude. Write down or at least think about the things for which you feel appreciation and gratitude. This is terrific to do at the beginning and ending of your day.

Taking care of you is not selfish. It actually is your job. A job well done in this case is one that both you and your family will appreciate!

Our View on Spanking Reflects So Much about Us

2009-05-04T08:54:00.000-07:00

The online article Spanking is NOT an Effective Parenting Tool (http://www.squidoo.com/no-spanking) offers alternatives to corporal punishment as well as resources for parents. The comments from readers reveal that the debate about spanking continues – over six decades after Dr. Spock advised that spanking was counter-productive and that cooperation could be gained through peaceful means.

One reader commented that we should not spank when we are angry but that spanking was sometimes necessary. A furious, out-of-control parent who spanks a child is certainly terrifying. The calm parent who chooses to spank may have a heart-felt desire for his child to learn a lesson; however, the child will not see his parent’s compassion. Instead, he will see the most significant person in his life, a person who claims to love him, consciously choose to hurt him.

Another reader stated that “consistent discipline, including spanking, in the early years of childhood sets the foundation for respectful and pleasant tweens and teens.” Children who are spanked may act respectful out of fear. That child may become compliant or may become a resentful teen who learns to hide his mistakes. Those years may then seem more pleasant for the parent, but at a steep cost for the child and for the relationship.

A third parent commented that spanking should only be used as a last resort, and this view seems to be the trend. I have never met a parent who enjoyed spanking, only parents who did not know what else to do.

Our view on spanking reflects our basic belief about how we as people learn. Does a child need to feel bad in order to learn? Is a child bad for making a mistake and does he deserve to be punished? Are others the cause of the hurt or pain that we feel and do they deserve to be punished for causing this pain? For proponents of spanking, making a change to more peaceful parenting means stepping into a different world view about misbehavior, learning and making mistakes. It means stepping into compassion.

In Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, Marshall Rosenberg suggests that we ask ourselves two questions. First, “What do I want this person to do that’s different from what he or she is currently doing?” The second question is often not asked. “What do I want this person’s reasons to be for doing what I’m asking?” The answer to that question is crucial. As Rosenberg states, “When we submit to doing something solely for the purpose of avoiding punishment [or gaining reward], our attention is distracted from the value of the action itself.” In other words, do we want our child to do his homework out a love of learning or because he is afraid he will be punished?

Spanking comes at a high cost – in a parent’s relationship with his child, in the family and in the world. Children who are spanked do not see their parent’s compassion. Instead, they become a part of our culture of violence. Over six decades ago, Dr. Spock attributed “the American tradition of spanking” as a factor in the high rate of violence in the United States. Six decades later we know so much more, and yet the answer remains the same : There are other ways to teach our children.

Redirecting Children's Behavior South Florida Teaches Workshop on How to End Power Struggles

2009-04-28T08:17:00.001-07:00

Twenty-eight parents who reside at the Community Partnership for the Homeless in Miami attended I Don't Want To and You Can't Make Me: Effectively Handling Power Struggles on April 21st. Taught by Jane and myself as representatives of Redirecting Children's Behavior South Florida, this was the first in a monthly series of parenting workshops that we will be presenting at Community Partnership.

There was a warm feeling of community in the group of parents who participated in the workshop, many contributing to the discussion with suggestions that work for them. One mom puts her children “in charge” of areas in which they do well, such as laundry and cleaning up after meals. By allowing her children to lead, she not only side-stepped power struggles but also gave her children an opportunity to be successful. Another mom gave her son choices about when to do his chores rather than demanding that he do them immediately.

Formed in 1995, Community Partnership for the Homeless is a 501 C 3 non-profit organization with the mission of offering dignity and hope to all so that no persons sleep on the streets of our community. There was a palpable feeling of helpfulness and community at the residence. Whatever this group is doing, keep doing it!

We look forward to our next workshop on Handling Conflict Peacefully on May 19th!

For more on RCB South Florida, please visit www.RCBSouthFlorida.com.

Earth Day

2009-04-20T05:01:00.000-07:00

This Wednesday, April 22nd, is Earth Day, a day set aside to inspire awareness about our Earth. We can inspire our children's curiosity about our environment and our impact on it in fun and informative ways. From turning off lights to composting to planting native plants, we can have fun while making a difference.

For ideas on how to inspire your children, please visit http://www.wholeheartedparenting.com/ and click on Families Go Green. You will find resources on how to determine your carbon footprint, programs where you can combine a family vacation with environmental activities in our National Parks, printable cards for children, websites with creative ideas for involving your children in environmental issues, and more.

Have a great week!

Whole Hearted Parenting has a Blog!

2009-04-13T14:07:00.000-07:00

Whole Hearted Parenting now has a blog! Please visit for articles, comments and news of interest to parents and teachers. If there are topics you would like to know about, please e-mail Maggie at maggie_macaulay@msn.com.

We have some terrific teleseminars coming up in April, including Taming Those Tantrums (4/14), Taking the Hassles Out of Homework (4/20), and Would You Like a Little Cheese with that Whine? Effectively Handling Whining (4/28). Anyone in the United States can access these fun, live workshops that are done over the telephone and online. Audio downloads will be available.

Looking forward to more blogging!