Parent's Top Ten List - #6 and #7

In counting down the 2011 Parent’s Top Ten List, which is available here, we are discussing numbers 6 and 7 on the list:

6. Repair mistakes and upsets in your relationships
7. Teach your children to repair mistakes and upsets in their relationships

We all make mistakes in our relationships. We all experience upsets. You may be angry with your spouse or irritated with your child or hurt by your own mom or dad. You may have blurted out something that you regret saying. You may have failed to follow through on an agreement. Upsets in relationships can be a debit from your emotional bank account with someone. They create distance and a disconnect. (For more on emotional bank accounts, see the post Share Your Love Language)

Repairing the relationship can restore your balance in your emotional bank account. Repairing a mistake can restore integrity. How do you repair a mistake or upset? Here are some guidelines:

• Talk about the issue when both of you are calm
• Ask permission to talk about it with the other person
• Be willing to admit a mistake
• Know how you would like to handle the issue differently if there is a next time
• Discover your part in the upset
• Talk about how you feel
• Ask the other person how he feels
• Ask the other person what you can do to make it up to them
• A make up can be a foot massage for your spouse, taking care of a young child for an hour or two so that she can have a break, fixing a favorite meal or dessert or watching a movie together on television.

One of the most valuable ways for children to learn how to repair disconnects in relationships is to see their parents repairing their own mistakes and upsets. As they watch you repair relationships, they will do it, too.

To hear this as a podcast, click here.

The Freedom To Be Course – happening in Pembroke Pines February 11-13 – will assist you in getting comfortable with your mistakes and learning from them. There is also a tool for diffusing conflict and creating empathy. Click here for more on Freedom to Be

Parent's Top Ten List - #8 - Share Your Mistakes

We are counting down the 2011 Parent’s Top Ten List, which is available here to print and post on your fridge. Over the next few weeks, we will get into more detail on each of the list’s high level suggestions for building family unity. So far we’ve covered Be Clear on Who Owns the Problem and Share Your Love Language. Today we are discussing Share Your Mistakes.

This suggestion may sound a little risky. You may be questioning if your child will respect you if you make mistakes or share your mistakes with him. You may fear that you will ‘loose control’ or ‘loose the upper hand’ if your child discovers any of your vulnerabilities. Instead of loss, you will actually experience gain.

Most people grew up with a fear of making mistakes. If you think about what happened when you made a mistake as child – your parents yelled at you or punished you – it is easy to see why a child would decide that mistakes are to be avoided at all costs. To avoid mistakes, you may lock yourself in indecision, shy away from new experiences, freeze up in job interviews, give up on things you desire, or hide any mistakes you think you have made so others don’t see them.

The truth is that mistakes are how we learn. A child learning to walk may stumble and fall before taking a series of steps. We encourage that child to keep going when he falls down. Making mistakes – those times we fall down – is how we improve. When we model being comfortable with both making mistakes and learning from our mistakes, our children will feel more comfortable, too. They will be better equipped to observe their own mistakes as learning experiences. They will make the connection between studying and success on a test. They will see the relationship between the amount they practice and their level of skill. They will raise their hand in class even if they are not 100% sure that they have the correct answer because they are eager to participate and learn. They will say “yes” to new things such as playing tennis or taking ballet or being in a performance. They will be willing to go for what they want instead of stifling their passions.

Practice sharing a mistake each week with your child. Make it age-appropriate. Talking about the mistake of divorcing his mother is probably a conversation to have when your son is an adult. Right now, there are a lot of places to get comfortable with mistakes, talk about them, learn from them and discover how you will do it differently the next time. For example:

• Not returning a phone call and the reaction of the friend who had originally called you
• Yelling at your child for not being ready for school on time or for making a bad grade or for forgetting to practice the piano
• Not listening to someone at work or someone in your family
• Not taking good care of yourself

I can talk about the mistake I made of walking in a parking lot while I was reading something on my phone. I didn’t see the car in front of me and was fortunate they saw me.

If you find yourself wanting to maintain the iconic status of “perfect parent” who never makes mistakes, use the line that Nero Wolfe, the genius fictional detective created by Rex Stout in 1934, often said, “Flummery!” Experience the connection and comfort as well as your child’s unique suggestions when you share your mistakes.

To hear this as a podcast, click here.

The Freedom To Be Course – happening in Pembroke Pines February 11-13 – will assist you in getting comfortable with your mistakes and learning from them. Click here for more on Freedom to Be.

Understanding Your Child's Emotional Awareness After Divorce

Rosalind Sedacca has written another terrific article to increase divorcing or divorced parents' understanding of their child's experience. Thanks, Rosalind!

By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
Parenting is always complex. Parenting following a divorce can add many other layers of distraction and confusion to the mix. That makes it even more important for parents to be aware of how their children are responding to the divorce.

One common error parents make is misunderstanding the stage of development their children are at which can lead to unrealistic expectations. Too often parents will assume that their child possesses a better handle on their emotions and a deeper understanding of human nature than is really possible at their age. So when their child acts out or otherwise misbehaves, it’s easy to misconstrue their intentions.

Parents mistakenly see these small beings as little adults who bring adult reasoning and comprehension to daily circumstances. With that mindset, it’s easy to get disappointed when our child’s behavior doesn’t live up to our expectations.

When divorce enters the family dynamic we often forget that our children are processing their feelings with limited skills and emotional awareness. We all know the complexities of divorce can become an enormous challenge for adults. Imagine the ramifications on youngsters or even teens!

Give your kids a break. How unfair (and unrealistic) is it to expect your children to fully understand what Mom and Dad are going through and then respond with compassion? Emotional maturity doesn’t fully develop until well into our twenties. Yet divorced parents frequently put the burden on their children to be empathic, understanding and disciplined in their behavior when they themselves struggle to access those mature attributes themselves.

Parents can be especially misguided in their expectation about teens. By nature teenagers are very self-absorbed. They don’t yet have the full capacity to put others’ needs ahead of their own. In addition, most teens are not very future focused nor are they motivated by lectures about consequences. Part of the parenting process is to role model positive traits and to demonstrate the advantages of setting goals, planning ahead for the future, etc. Unrealistic parental expectations lead to needless conflicts with our teens which can easily result in a sense of confusion, insecurity, guilt or shame within their fragile psyches. Why get angry at your teen for not displaying adult maturity at a time when your own maturity may certainly be at question?

By understanding your children’s stages of emotional development as they grow, you are less likely to make the mistake of confiding information they can’t psychologically handle or asking them to play the role of mediator, therapist, or personal spy. You’ll be more likely to have reasonable expectations for them and refrain from feeling disappointed when your child behaves as the child they still are!


Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is the author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook™ Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For more information, free articles on child-centered divorce and her free ezine, go to: http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.

Parent's Top Ten List - #9 - Share Your Love Language

Happy New Year! The 2011 Parent’s Top Ten List, available here to print and post on your fridge, provides high level concepts and suggestions for building family unity. Because this list is succinct – no explanations of the concepts – you may be curious about the “why” behind some of the suggestions. We began last month with #10, and in the next few posts, we will be bouncing back through the list, explaining each of the concepts. Today’s is #9 – Determine and share with one another the Love Language of everyone in your family.

In Steven Covey’s book The Seven Habits of Highly Successful People, he introduces the concept of “Emotional Bank Accounts.” Covey explains, “An Emotional Bank Account is a metaphor that describes the amount of trust that’s been built up in a relationship. It is the feeling of safeness that you have with another human being.”

Just like a financial bank account, you can make deposits and withdrawals from an Emotional Bank Account. Covey says, “If I make deposits into an Emotional Bank Account with you through courtesy, kindness, honesty and keeping my commitments to you, I build up a reserve. Your trust toward me becomes higher, and I can call on that trust many times if I need to.”

One way to add high-powered deposits to your bank account with your family members is to speak their love language. Sometimes we may be saying “I love you” to a family member in our own primary love language rather than theirs. This is indeed a deposit to your Emotional Bank Account AND speaking your family member’s own primary love language is like making a contribution to your favorite PBS station during their fundraising drive when they have matching funds – it doubles or triples your deposit.

In The Five Love Languages of Children, authors Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell talk about the ways to discover and speak your child’s primary love language –gifts, physical touch, time, words of affirmation, or acts of service. By knowing the primary love language of everyone in your family, you can increase the trust in your relationships.

Begin to notice how your child expresses love to you and what he asks for the most from others. Does he hug you, sit in your lap or want you to scratch his back [physical touch]? Does he ask you to spend time doing something with him [time] or is he more thrilled if you fix his bike tire [acts of service]? Does she feel loved when you bring her a gift from your business trip [gifts] or more so when she receives a post card while you are away that tells her that you love and miss her[words of affirmation]? Does he complain that you don’t spend enough time with him [time]or that you never tell him you love him [words of affirmation]? These are your clues.

Discover your primary love language and share it with your children and spouse. Then spend time in a family meeting discovering and sharing everyone’s love language. Your bank accounts will be over-flowing!

Related Posts:
Speak the Most Powerful Love Language

To listen to this as a podcast, click here.

2011 Parent's Top Ten List -- Tip #10

For almost a decade, Whole Hearted Parenting has released an annual Parent’s Top Ten List with ten items for parents to focus on in the New Year to promote peaceful conflict resolution, self-reliance, cooperation and assertive communication. The 2011 Whole Hearted Parenting Parent’s Top Ten List is now online here.

Beginning with tip #10, “Be clear on who owns the problem,” the Top Ten List is terrific to post on the fridge so parents can easily refer to it when things get off track at home. If there is conflict, being clear on who owns the problem can guide parents in deciding whether to provide assistance in problem solving (the child owns the problem) or to provide discipline – such as offering choices, setting clear limits, or using “I statements” – when the parent owns the problem. Providing support to a child who says he lost his homework (the child owns the problem) includes discussing how he feels and exploring his options for resolving the issue. Being clear on who owns the problem can also remind parents to avoid ineffective communication such as lecturing (“If you keep loosing your homework, you are going to fail your math class”), comparing (“Your brother never forgot any of his homework”), sarcasm (“If your head weren’t attached to your shoulders you would probably forget that, too”) or solving the problem for him (“I’ll bring your homework to you at school”).

One way of determining who owns the problem is to notice who is bringing it up. Your child is probably not bringing up the messy counter where he did not clean up after fixing his cereal for breakfast or the clothes left all over the bathroom floor! You are most likely bringing up these issues, and the problem belongs to you. If your child is bringing up issues, such as loosing his homework, being pushed by someone at school or being left off the invitation list to a party, he owns the problem and you can provide support.

When the problem is yours, speaking about how you feel is much more effective than talking about the behvior you would like your child to change. Be clear on how the problem influences you. For example, you do not like to cook in a dirty kitchen and someone might trip and fall while walking through a space with clothes on the floor.

Being clear and talking about how you feel are the first steps to resolving the problem.

Tune in next week for Tip #9!

Ways to Overcome Holiday Depression During and After Divorce

Many thanks to Rosalind Sedacca for this article. Whether separated, divorced, feeling that "empty chair" around the dinner table, or missing someone who has passed away, Rosalind's suggestions are up-lifting.

By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

Thanksgiving, Christmas – most any holiday -- can bring up painful memories of happier times, especially if you are divorced and have children. But keep in mind that with the pain comes a choice. You can choose to acknowledge the past for what it was. You can value the good times you might have had together. Then you can choose to move on and let go.

If you don’t, you will likely get stuck tormenting yourself with the "shoulds." We should still be a family today. He should be ashamed of what he's doing to us. She shouldn’t be able to have the kids on Christmas Day. I should be over this by now. It should be easier for me to move on – but it isn't. You get the idea.

Use this holiday season as a marker for starting a new mindset for yourself. You are creating a future that will be as positive for you as you allow it to be. Close the door to what was so you can open the door to brighter tomorrows – for yourself and your children. This holiday season and the ones to come can be weeks of great celebration for you if you start planting the seeds in your mind today.

Here are some useful tips for creating a positive mindset for the holidays.

Be your own best friend:
Divorce and its related stressors can take its toll on your self-esteem. It’s easy to start falling into cycles of despair, fear, anxiety and depression fueled by messages such as “who’s going to want me now?” or “how can I cope with all this pressure in my life?” This can certainly compound over the holidays, which add another layer of stress to family life. Use this time to celebrate you and starting a new chapter in your life. Look ahead to reinventing yourself in ways you’ve always wanted – and acknowledging yourself for assets you have that can be further explored. Take time to laugh and indulge in some holiday spirit. It’s good medicine for you and the children you love.

Focus on lifting the spirits of others:
Gratitude is a mindset that reminds us of our blessings. Do you have a loving relationship with your children? Do you have your health, a roof over your head, the income to purchase a few holiday gifts? Many people are not so fortunate. Be grateful for your blessings, share a smile or kind gesture with others, volunteer for the less fortunate and you will be rewarded in ways you never expected – physically, emotionally and spiritually!

Integrate – don’t isolate:
Take advantage of this social season to circulate and re-connect with family and friends. Plan some small gatherings with those you care about and accept a few invitations to get out and meet other people. Limit your “pity party” time to an hour or two. Then pick yourself up and get back into life. You’ll be surprised by the support systems available to you. You will also find that you are not alone in the post-divorce emotions and challenges you are experiencing. Be receptive to help and it will come to you.

Initiate New Holiday Traditions:
Remembering holiday traditions of the past can set you into a downward cycle and negatively affect your children, as well. This is the time to develop new ways of celebrating the holidays that you and your children can cherish and enjoy together. Perhaps it’s a special trip, celebrating with new friends and neighbors, attending special holiday events in your community or place of worship. Encourage your co-parent to do the same when the kids are with them, so that they have something to look forward to in each home.

Use this time of the year as the emotional starting point for bringing into focus the “you” you’ve always wanted to be. Visualize the future you desire. Make commitments to positive changes in your thoughts, habits and actions. By doing this, every year to come around holiday time you will be re-energized with positive appreciation rather than brought down by sadness and despair. The choice is yours. Embrace this season as the start of wonderful things to come and you’ll have much to celebrate in your future!

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network and author of the ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook™ Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! Please visit Rosalind's website for more information, free articles on child-centered divorce and her free ezine.

Consciously Created Holidays

On this last day of November, I invite you to consciously create the holiday season that you desire. Remember the “not enough” thoughts that trigger stress, such as “I don’t have enough help,” “I don’t have enough money,” and “I don’t have enough time”? I feel the most stressed when I think “I don’t have enough time to get everything done.” It is even hard to enjoy getting things done when thinking this thought! Each time you feel the clinch of stress – which walls off your enjoyment – remind yourself that you DO have enough time, help and money. Set aside things on your “to do list” for another time or another day, ask for help or reduce the number of things that you are doing, and plan how you wish to use the money that you do have or ways to raise money for what you would like to do.

We talked in the last post about Simon Sinek and starting with WHY. Get clear on your WHY for the holiday season. It might be about honoring your faith and connecting with the people you love. Begin with your WHY on December 1st and your level of joy will expand.

Each of us has twenty-four hours in each day. I invite you to savor every single one of yours.

For ideas on reducing your stress over the holidays and assisting your children to reduce theirs, please visit the following websites:

• http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-power-imagination/200911/7-holiday-stress-busters-kids

• http://www.stressfreekids.com/articles/stress-buster-focus-color-image-1-minute-kids/