Transitions are Happening All Around Us

While writing the weekly newsletter for Redirecting Children’s Behavior instructors, Parenting News, a friend and colleague asked me to include articles about transitions.  Her son is turning 18, a milestone year, and is graduating from high school.  These are big life events, and each is a rite of passage.  We often think of that passage as one for the child alone.  It is a rite of passage for parents as well.

Here are six ideas for easing the discomfort of transitions by moving into a space of appreciation and acceptance.     

View this Time as Sacred

Transitions are sacred times.  They can also feel scary and chaotic. The fear and chaos can actually distract you from embracing the sacredness.  Pema Chodron in her book When Things Fall Apart, which is all about big transitions, writes, “Life is a good teacher and a good friend.  Things are always in transition, if we could only realize it.  Nothing ever sums itself up the way we dream about.  The off-center, in-between state is an ideal situation in which we don’t get caught and we can open our hearts and minds beyond limit.  It is a very tender, non-aggressive, open-ended state of affairs.” 

Viewing the transition – no matter how big or small – as something sacred will allow you to slow down, feel the gratitude for what went before, feel the excitement of what is to come, and suspend the fear.    

Lean In

“Leaning in” is a way that Chodron recommends to get beyond the discomfort and the unsettled feelings.  She writes, “To stay with that shakiness – to stay with a broken heart, with a rumbling stomach, with the feeling of hopelessness… - that is the path of true awakening.  Sticking with that uncertainty, getting the knack of relaxing in the midst of chaos, learning not to panic – this is the spiritual path.  Getting the knack of catching ourselves, of gently and compassionately catching ourselves is the path of the warrior.  We catch ourselves a zillion times.”           

What is ‘leaning in’?  It is being vulnerable.  It is allowing yourself to feel what you are experiencing in that moment.  It is catching yourself, even on that zillionth time, and staying steady.  Chodron says, “…feelings like disappointment, embarrassment, irritation, resentment, anger, jealousy, and fear, instead of being bad news, are actually very clear moments that teach us where it is that we’re holding back.  They teach us to perk up and lean in when we feel we’d rather collapse and back away.  They’re like messengers that show us, with terrifying clarity, exactly where we’re stuck.  This very moment is the perfect teacher, and, lucky for us, it’s with us wherever we are.”

Acknowledge the Accomplishments and Honor the Process

For both you and your child, it is encouraging to acknowledge the accomplishments and honor the process.  The accomplishments are the achievements that you both have made.  The process is the energy and effort that you each put forth that has guided you to this place in time. 

A wonderful exercise is to recall all who have supported you along the path.  It could be your son’s first grade teacher – all of his teachers – as well as family members, music instructors, camp staff, doctors, neighbors, and friends.  Talk about how each person made a difference, encouraged you, contributed to your success and understanding, and was a part of the experience.   

You can also notice the effort that your child put forth to be where he or she is right now.  Recognize your own efforts.   Each of you can remember challenges - for yourself or for each other - and how you handled them.  Write these down, talk about them, and hold them in a place of honor in your heart. 

Encourage every member of your family to acknowledge the accomplishments and recognize the process.  The members of your family are your team.  Take some special time to acknowledge your partner as well.     

Spend Time

When things change, spending time together allows you opportunities to connect (often in newly developing ways) and to support one another as you move through the transition.  It also gives you a chance to fully feel that “open-ended state of affairs” together.  It gives you quiet amidst the chaos.         

Visualize How You Would Like the Next Experience to Be

Whether your child is entering a new grade level (moving from elementary school to middle school or from high school to college), whether it is the shared anticipation of the end of the school year and the beginning of summer adventures, or whether your child is having a milestone year such as sixteen or eighteen, explore the next experience.  What will life be like in high school or as an eighteen-year-old?  What do you want to feel?  Where will you need the most support?  What will you do this summer?  What are you most excited about?  Keep this conversation alive. 

Celebrate

Find ways to celebrate!  Include your child in the discussion so that he can celebrate in the way that he prefers.  We all have memories of awkward surprise birthday parties or events that didn’t feel comfortable when we were growing up.  Having your child involved in the decision-making and planning will get his investment in the celebration.  Celebrations can be small, large, quiet, or loud.  Make it your own!      

Congratulations on being where you are right now!

Have More Fun and More Fun Together!

Many thanks to Viva Miramar for permission to reprint this article.

We begin exploring how each suggestion on your 2013 Parent’s Top Ten List can influence your life and your family life.  We begin at the top with the first suggestion – “Have more fun and more fun together” – because fun makes everything better!

People from Albert Einstein – “Creativity is intelligence having fun” – to Groucho Marx – “If you're not having fun, you're doing something wrong” – have commented on having fun.  Possibly the staunchest supporter of fun is Dr. Seuss who said, “If you never did you should. These things are fun and fun is good.”  Having fun is refreshing.  Our brains need fun to recharge.  According to the Washington Post, “Brain research suggests that fun is not just beneficial to learning but, by many reports, required for authentic learning and long-term memory.”  Studies have shown that fun in the workplace increases employee satisfaction and performance.  Fun is connecting. 

Fun produces great results!   When you have fun, you nurture yourself.  You will be more creative, flexible, and composed when handling challenges with your children.  The same holds true for your child.  He or she will be more fulfilled, more cooperative, and happier.  Having fun together will strengthen, connect, and ground your family. 

Ask your child about his ideas on fun.  He is an expert!  As you plan activities for your family, keep in mind that having fun and being entertained are two different things.  You are involved in having fun.  It isn’t passive.  Turn off the television and computer, and let your child teach you all about running through the woods like a horse, swimming in the ocean like a fish, singing her favorite songs, painting a family portrait, or riding bikes. 

As Dr. Seuss said, “Today was good. Today was fun. Tomorrow is another one.”  Enjoy having more fun and more fun together!  

2013 Parent's Top Ten List

 

David Letterman is famous for his comical Top Ten List.  Whole Hearted Parenting has put out an annual Parent’s Top Ten List for a number of years, and your 2013 list is here!  I invite you to print it out, place it on your fridge, and pick one suggestion to practice each month.  Over the next few months, we will explore the ten suggestions right here in the WHP blog. 

Why have a top ten list for parents?  Don’t parents have enough to think about and enough challenges to handle?   The answer is yes, parents do have enough to handle!  Because you are so busy, the Parent’s Top Ten List is an easy guide for creating more peace in your family. 

This isn’t about having to practice every suggestion on the list.  It is about choosing one that sounds interesting to you and playing with it.  There is a tendency when seeing any list of suggestions, especially suggestions about parenting, to think that unless you do all of them or at least the great majority of them, that you are not doing enough.  This list is not 10 more things that you have to do in order be a perfect parent.  The Parent’s Top Ten List is about fresh thoughts, new ideas, and inspiration.  If a suggestion resonates with you and your family, choose that one and have fun with it. 

Parenting is not about perfection.  It is a not a test.  It is about your relationship with your children, your children’s journey in the world, and your enjoyment in being a mom or dad.  I hope these ideas make your journey more fun!  

Where Babies Come From

This photo montage was created by Canadian  photographer Patrice Laroche and entitled "How to Make a Baby".  Although there are more photos than seen below -  Patrice and his wife Sandra took photos at the same location throughout the pregnancy - this montage gives you the storyline.  I love the last photo following the explosion, which apparently has knocked down Patrice!  He is holding their baby in front of an excited Sandra whose belly is back to normal! 

A Refreshing New Year

With the New Year, your thoughts may turn to making resolutions, those things we commit to do to improve ourselves and make the upcoming year better than the last.  Have you noticed that most resolutions involve giving up or quitting something, such as stopping smoking, losing weight, or cutting out sweets?  Our brains don’t like to “give up” things. Have you also noticed the pressure around resolutions, particularly the pressure around failing to maintain your resolve?  The word itself – resolve – connotes feelings of force and suffering.  The perceived loss in giving up something, the pressure around failure and the implied force of a resolution all sabotage your success. For greater success, think of the changes you desire as refreshing your life.  Here are a few ideas for refreshing your family life.  Out with the old and in with the new can be refreshing without the pressure.  Consider these four ideas an invitation.

Have monthly family meetings.  Family meetings are a great time to connect, tune in to what other family members are doing, synchronize schedules, resolve challenges and support one another.  The key to making family meetings work is to choose a regular meeting day and time with your family and then hold it sacred.  Do not continuously change the day because “something comes up”.  Schedule other activities around your family meeting time.  Turn off the phone and television, and do not schedule your family meeting during mealtime. 

There are other ingredients for successful family meetings, such as keeping an agenda, having a secretary and leader (children have an opportunity to lead), beginning each meeting with an activity that creates unity, and keeping your meeting minutes in a journal.  For details on making your family meetings fun and successful, check out the Whole Hearted Parenting website under “Resources” and “Articles”.
 

Create a family handshake or greeting.  Having your own handshake is a creative and unique way to make saying hello and goodbye fun.  It can also be comforting for young children saying goodbye at pre-school and for kids going away for sleep-away camp for the first time. Every family member contributes one movement to the handshake or one word or sound to the greeting.  Combine everyone’s contributions, and you have a unique family ritual that you can refresh every year.

Each month, find something that you are doing for your child that he can do for himself and let him.  When we do things for our children that they can do for themselves, they miss the opportunity of knowing how capable they are.  Feeling capable is one of the components of self-esteem.  If you wake your child up every morning and she is capable of getting up on her own, make an adventure out of shopping for her new alarm clock.  Let her pick it out and teach her how to operate it.  If your child is capable of making his own lunch for school, have him write weekly menus so that he knows in advance what he will be making each day and so the ingredients are on hand.  Not only does your child feel capable, but you also have more time for you!

Keep track of your emotional bank accounts with your family members.  Stephen Covey spoke of these “trust accounts” in his book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.  You have an emotional bank account with everyone in your life.  Starting with a neutral balance, you add deposits and make debits with your interactions.  Yelling is a debit.  Hugging is a deposit.  Begin to regularly notice your balance with the people you love.  Teach your children this concept as well.  If your account takes a hit because an argument, add a few deposits to be back “in the black.”

Instead of the heaviness of a resolution, I invite you to refresh your family relationships with these four ideas.  Happy 2013!