Controlling and Parenting and Telling the Difference

A friend asked me a great question the other day. How do you tell the difference between being controlling and parenting?  In setting a limit with a child or responding “no” to a request, how do you know when you’ve crossed the line?  Are you parenting or attempting to control?  When your child asks for a cell phone, is your “no” discipline or controlling behavior?

Why is this Important?

How does understanding where you might be controlling make a difference?  When your goal is controlling, you not only influence the other person you are attempting to control but you limit yourself as well.  You are not as flexible, creative or serene.  You act controlling, the other person reacts to your behavior and your relationship takes a hit.  Your children may feel that you don’t trust them or your spouse may feel that you think he is incompetent.  You also spend a tremendous amount of energy engaged in a behavior that doesn’t offer much satisfaction when you could be feeling much more joy.     

Examine Where You Felt Controlled

One of the best places to begin the search for clarity is in examining where you felt controlled as a child.  I realized that when I felt controlled as a child, it was more about not feeling heard than about what my parents had actually said.  There was no dialogue or expression of feelings.  There was no listening ear on the other side, and it did feel like sides had been drawn.  When the polarities of your way and my way exist, there is most likely some controlling behavior happening.  That is the time to take a breath and look for the third alternative, a resolution that you both are happy with.     

Measure the Joy

In her recent post on Tiny Buddha entitled Control Less, Trust More, Susanne van Borcke said about her family, “I tried to control every aspect of their lives. Whether it was the lunches that needed to be made with a specific type of bread, or the homework having to be done at this time of the day, or the decision of which movie to watch, I told them how to do it and had a hard time letting them make their own choices.  I was hardly ever wrong—at least I didn’t think so. I thought control equals security equals happiness, up until the day when I took a close look at my life and found that nobody around me was smiling anymore.  They were miserable. They lit up when their Dad came home because he did things with them that were fun and, best of all they never knew what would happen with him. With me they could foresee everything, and the routines were never fun or joyful.”

Measure the joy, yours as well as the joy of others in your family.  Are the smiles gone, including yours? 

Consider the Feedback from Others

What is the feedback you receive from your family members about being controlling?  When my daughter said to me, “Can’t you even let me get out of bed before you start giving me things to do?” I became conscious of how I had been pressuring her.  I thought, “Is this what I want her to think life is about?  Is this what I think life is about?  We have time to get everything done.  Let’s begin the day with the joy of being together.”  I began controlling less and trusting more!

Susanne van Borcke gave her son a signal to use.  She said, “We’ve agreed on a code word that’s the last name of a famous soccer player. The deal is that he will only say this word when he feels I am being overly controlling. This will prompt me to think about my intentions, and then back off if I realize it’s not in his best interest.” 

Listen without Judging

When you truly listen and are present, your response is said from a place of power rather than of force.  You are not attached to the outcome. You listen with empathy and drop judgments.  If you are fearful about agreeing with your child or if in agreeing, you envision a future that you do not desire, you are attached to the outcome.  As Dr. David R. Hawkins said in Power vs. Force, “[when you are not attached then] not getting one’s way is no longer experienced as defeating, frightening, or frustrating.”  There is no power struggle, no force, and no sides drawn up.  You don’t feel compelled to say “no” to win. 

Our family moved from St. Louis back to Florida when my brother was in college.  He wanted to remain at Washington University in St. Louis where he was settled, had friends and was in a fraternity.  My parents nixed that idea.  Their view was that he was not interested in academics and just wanted to have a good time, an expensive good time.  His view was that he felt a sense of belonging and wanted to continue.  My parents felt scared, and they did not put their apprehension about his lack of responsibility on the table, so their fears became the driving influence in their decision.  My brother did not feel heard, and he felt judged.  He could feel the lack of trust even though it was not discussed. 

With twenty-twenty hindsight, my parents could have acknowledged both my brother’s feelings and their own.  Their response could have begun something like, “Moving is not what you would like to do.  It is painful to leave your friends, and you feel at home here.”  The conversation could have then taken several different approaches, such as:

• “Paying out-of-state tuition is not in our budget.  We are willing to pay the in-state rate.  One option is for you to get a job to earn the money to pay the difference.  Are you willing to do that to stay in school at Washington University?”

• “We are willing for you stay in school in St. Louis as long as you maintain at least a 3.0 average.  Are you willing to commit to maintaining a 3.0 with the agreement that you will move to Florida if your average drops below a 3.0 for more than one semester?”

• “We feel uncomfortable with our family living so far apart in different states.  We don’t feel ready to move without you.  We would support you in going to school at one of the state universities that you choose in Florida.  We are also willing to discuss a trip to St. Louis so that you can visit your friends.”   

What is Your Intention in the Limit?

As a parent, you provide limits.  You keep your child safe when she is young.  You set boundaries with your older children that expand as they become more responsible.  Check out your intention in the limit that you are setting.  Is it in your child’s best interest?  What will he learn if you agreed with him?  If your goal is to make your child do something or make him stop doing something, there is probably a controlling aspect to what is happening. 

If your child asks “why” in response to your limit and you cannot give a thoughtful answer, take some time to explore beyond “because I said so.”  If you are envisioning a future that you do not desire – such as thinking that the result of giving your daughter a cell phone is that she will hook up with “the wrong people” – consider the future that you DO desire and the chances for learning your child will have.  Having a cell phone will allow her to hook up with her friends, “the right people”.  She will have wider social experiences.  She will become more technologically savvy.  She will contact YOU more.  She will feel trusted by you.  You will still be there along the way to continue the dialogue, monitor her learning and revise your approach so that she becomes even more responsible.   

Be Allowing over Controlling 

Dr. Hawkins suggested that allowing is much more powerful than controlling.  Allowing doesn’t mean being a permissive parent.  It means what Susanne suggested, trusting more and controlling less. 

Susanne’s plan is to create a list of things that she enjoys doing and do them.  She said, “One of those things will be sitting still – not doing things, and for sure not multitasking. It involves listening and just being with my feelings of sadness, boredom, and all the others I have bottled up and hid behind activity.”

In The Quest Retreat, an annual course through Your Infinite Life Training andCoaching Company, I learned a practice that has been very helpful.  Take a purposeful walk or spend some quiet time in which you notice your thoughts.  Whenever a controlling thought surfaces, simply say “cancel” in your mind.  Do not judge the thought.  Do not analyze the thought.  Simply notice and say “cancel.”  This practice can make a tremendous difference.

You will notice that in being allowing you will feel more serene and you will also have a soothing influence on those around you.  By allowing, you welcome the joy.

Got Lotsa Love?

Many thanks to Parkland Life Magazine to their kind permission to reprint this article from my monthly Child and Parenting Column. 

Last year for Valentine’s Day, this column was entitled Got Love?  In that article were five suggestions for expanding the love in your family and in your life:  Know what your child desires and assist him in attaining it; take time for yourself and teach your child to do the same; listen more and judge less; take a course that can guide you in moving beyond limiting beliefs; and develop your capacity for empathy.

Of those five suggestions, the most fundamental is to develop your capacity for empathy.  With empathy, you will most likely listen more and judge or criticize less.  You will enthusiastically get behind your daughter’s desire to play the violin or dance or write a novel.  You will sensitively take time for yourself, guide your children to do the same and maintain more balance in all aspects of your life.  With deeper empathy, you will probably feel safe enough and curious enough to take a glimpse inside at the beliefs that are very powerful influences both in your daily decision-making and in the course of your life.

With empathy, we are able to understand how our child feels in response to us.  If your child tells you he doesn’t like it when you yell at him, you are able to say, “When I yell at you, like I did this morning, I must make you feel hurt.”  With empathy, you feel the depth of his hurt.  As we expand our capacity for empathy, we become more loving.  President of Your Infinite Life Training and Coaching Company, Pamela Dunn, says “Love is the only thing that can transform, and fear is simply a product of not acknowledging our innate magnificence in any given moment.”   How do we drop the fear, expand our hearts and gain more empathy?

One way is to look at your relationship with your children from the inside out.  Pam suggests that rather than looking at a relationship from a place of need, meaning looking at what we want someone to give us or how we want the other person to be, that we look at what we bring to the relationship. 

With your children, instead of looking at what you want your children to give you – obedience, respect – or what you want them to be – smart, creative, honest – begin looking at what you bring to the table as a parent.  What can your children count on you for?  Let them know that they can count on you to be clear in your requests, willing to listen, willing to spend time with them, dependable, truthful or whatever qualities are important to you.  Then consciously practice what you have chosen in your daily life.  Practice being clear in making requests, practice listening, and spend more time with your child.

Check out what you are finding most challenging with your child right now.  It could be that you wish your child were more focused, more responsible, more sensitive or more trustworthy.  Pick the biggest challenge and then YOU bring that quality to the relationship.  If your biggest complaint about your son is that he is not reliable, then consciously bring reliability to your relationship.  If you wish your daughter honored limits, begin honoring more limits.  If you wish your child were more cooperative, find ways to cooperate more with others. You will find yourself modeling what you desire for your child as well as becoming more empathetic.  And if you are desiring obedience from your child, is that really something you would like to take on?  I think not!  You can let that one go!   

As Pam says, “Love is the only thing that transforms.”  By looking at your relationship with your child from a place of empathy – from the inside out – the transformation will begin!

 

Handling "Everyone Else Has One!"

Many thanks to Parkland Life Magazine for their kind permission to include this article from my column in our blog.

Whether it is requesting a cell phone, being on FaceBook or going to the mall with friends, parents may hear “everyone else has one” or “everyone else gets to do it” when their child’s request is denied.  Parents may feel guilty because they don’t want their children to feel left out.  Parents may get exasperated with the ceaseless demands.  Parents may be afraid of the early and pervasive impact of technology on their child.  This is the first generation of parents to handle social networking and high-level involvement with electronic devices.  Still, the underlying concept remains the same – how to live according to your values and set boundaries with your children. 

To counter “everyone else has one” with adult logic [not everyone has one] is non-productive.  Your child feels as if everyone else does have one, and arguing the point will simply make him wrong and end the discussion.  Here are a few ways to address the issue directly and set a boundary:

 

Avoid “you are not old enough,” “when you are older” or “you are too young [little] for that.”  Those phrases are not the truth because age is probably not the real issue.  The issues are safety, your child’s level of responsibility and his decision-making.  Most helpful are conversations about the real issues, opportunities for your child to learn from the experience, clear boundaries and useable information for your child. 

“Not old enough,” which is not useable information, may trigger a power struggle.  Your child may respond, “Yes, I AM old enough” followed by “No, you are not.”.  It then becomes a non-productive tug-of-war that teaches children that being powerful is about resisting and over-powering.  It is more helpful to teach them that being powerful is about being influential by your example of listening, empathizing and setting clear boundaries.   

Your child may also begin to believe that old enough means good enough or simply enough.  He is already enough no matter his age.  He may ask that you be specific about the magical age “old enough”.  He will then hold you accountable when he reaches that age.

Let your response be the beginning of a conversation.  Instead of “you are not old enough” say, “I am not ready for you to go to the mall with your friends without an adult.  Let’s talk about what works for both of us.”  By saying “I am not ready”, there is nothing for your child to resist, so you have side-stepped a power struggle.  Beginning with “I am not ready,” you have the flexibility to negotiate what provides your child with the independence he desires AND with what feels comfortable for you.  

Avoid “We can’t afford it.”   Instead, you might say, “I am not willing to spend the money on that right now” or  “I am willing to pay for half.  How would you like to earn the money to pay for the other half?” 

Let your child clearly know your expectations.  If he desires a cell phone and you feel uncomfortable because he is disorganized, let him know you would love for him to have a phone when he organizes his room and maintains it for a month.  Then take time to teach him how to organize.  If your daughter desires a phone yet doesn’t handle her reponsibilities around the house, explain that you would like to see her “own” her responsibility of feeding the dog, mowing the lawn, or folding the laundry for a reasonable length of time.  If your son looses other devices, you can negotiate what you are willing to contribute, if anything, towards the purchase of the cell phone and the monthly bill.  Ask how he will handle it if he looses his phone.  Make sure everything is clear and then stick with the agreement.

If your child does say, “Everyone else has one,” acknowledge him with the question “Most of your friends have cell phones [go to the mall with friends, are on FaceBook]?”  Begin a conversation rather than defending [“Well, in our family we just don’t do that!”] or making him wrong [“Oh, I know plenty of kids your age who don’t have cell phones yet.”].  Talk about what it means to him to do what he is requesting. Listen.  Empathize.  Then set your clear boundary.

Let It Be

My sister-in-law received a text from a friend while we were talking on the phone the other day.  Her friend is getting a divorce, and he was with his ten-year-old daughter who was crying because she missed her mother.  Dad was desperate to console his daughter and nothing he was doing was working.  My sister-in-law asked what he could do.  My reply was for him to do nothing other than to acknowledge how his daughter felt and to allow her the space to fully express herself and to fully feel.  He did not need to fix anything or happy her up or do anything at all.  He needed to let his daughter be with her feelings and allow her to share them with him.

It is difficult to watch our children feel sad.  It is painful to see them hurt.  We ache when they feel left out.  Having children can feel like your heart wondering around outside your body.  At those times of intense emotion, it may feel like we need to do something.  We may then try to handle a situation for a child (“Oh, don’t you worry about a thing!  I’ll have a talk with Susie’s mom and you’ll be invited to her birthday party.  I’m sure it was just a mistake.”), minimize the feeling (“Oh, you have lots of time for boyfriends.  You won’t miss him after a few weeks.”) or employ any number of other approaches most of which stop the expression of feeling.       

A more fulfilling job in those moments is to guide your children through their feelings.  Sometimes that just means being there and listening.  It means acknowledging what she feels (“You seem really sad” or “You look like you feel really hurt”).  It means truly listening to what she says.  It means asking him how he wants it to play out, what he would like to see happen or how you can support him. 

Most of us did not grow up with this option or in an atmosphere encouraging emotional expression.  A friend told me the other day that all of the children in her family were constantly vying for parental attention to the point that she never was able to simply ‘be’.  It is only in adulthood that many of us learn to ‘be’.  And that is liberating.

 

A terrific resource for learning to be is the Freedom to Be: A Life Embracing Course in which we explore these concepts and how to apply them in your life.   To be present for your child who is feeling intense emotions, you can practice empathy.  Empathy will allow you to deeply understand the feelings of your child without having to ‘fix’ anything.  Empathy will allow you to see things from your child’s perspective.  You can also broaden your self-acceptance, thus allowing your child to be more self-accepting.  One key is to explore how you handle mistakes.  What have your children  decided about making mistakes from watching you?  Without the fear of making a mistake, your children will take healthy risks, speak up in class and boldly try something new.  So will you!  When you are more self-accepting, particularly with your mistakes, your children will be, too. 

Another place of discovery is in looking at how often we make responsibility a ‘have to’ or burden.  You can shift the ‘have to’ into a joy. A simple practice is to notice whenever you say, “I have to [cook dinner, wash the clothes, drive my daughter to music lessons]” and change your words to “I get to [cook dinner, wash the clothes, drive my daughter to music lessons]”.  In cooking dinner for your family, you get to nourish them.  In doing the laundry, you get to care and provide for your family.  In driving your daughter to music lessons, you get to enhance her life and get to share in the experience.  These core concepts of Freedom to Be deeply enhance relationships, especially those within your family. 

From a place of empathy, self-acceptance and joyful responsibility, you can let your children be with their emotions.  Your children will know that they are so very capable of handling their feelings and that you are there to support and guide them. 

Bring in the New

This is posted with the kind permission of Viva Magazine.  

The article appears in my column in the January, 2012 issue.

There is something revitalizing about a New Year.  It implies freshness, new energy and being up-to-date in the face of the wilted, fatigued and dated previous year.  The New Year is a great time to check out ways to re-energize your family.  Here are a few suggestions to recharge in 2012:

Schedule time together.  Even with great intentions to spend time together as a family, unless planned – actually written on a schedule – those precious moments together may not happen.  Everyone gets caught up in their own busy lives and other things take precedence.  So gather your family together and ask everyone for a list of their favorite things to do.  Then plan a year of weekly or monthly activities that include everyone’s suggestions.  It could be ice skating or roller skating, reading,  swimming, riding bikes or having a picnic.  It could be as simple as a walk around the block after dinner.  You will cherish the memories you create from these times together.         

Have an electronics-free weekend.  Schedule one weekend or one day per month free of electronic devices.  Discuss ahead of time what you plan to do instead of watching television, playing video games or listening to music on headphones.  If you hear “Mom, I’m bored!” ask your child “What are you going to do so that you are no longer bored?”  His boredom is his responsibility and the time for him to be creative.  Coordinate your electronics-free weekend with your scheduled family time activities.  Invite friends over to play board games or softball.  Cook together.  At the end of the weekend, talk about how you feel.  Are you more rested, more connected and more relaxed?

Let your children do more around the house.  With each New Year, increase the number of opportunities for your child to be helpful around the house.  Talk about what he would like to do and what you would like him to do.  Show gratitude for his contributions.  Maintaining the balance between a child’s power and his responsibility is what eliminates resentments and prevents entitlement issues.

I wish all the best for you and your family in 2012.  May you feel re-energized!

Helping Children Through the Holidays After the Divorce

What I love most about Rosalind Sedacca's articles is her clear intention to assist parents in providing a deep experience of love for their children.  Thanks for another terrific post, Rosalind!

by Rosalind Sedacca

When Mom and Dad divorce their children are faced with many life changes. As loving and concerned parents we try to minimize the pain and reduce the chaos brought about by new routines and schedules. We also try to focus on making this new chapter in life as positive and supportive as possible for everyone in the family.

One of the toughest transitions for children is often coping with the first holiday season. Our challenge as parents is to create new traditions and activities that can replace the memories of family holidays in the past. Here are some suggestions on how to help your children through the holiday season in the best possible spirits.

Show compassion:
Talk to your children about the holidays. Listen, rather than lecture, and let them vent about their feelings, regrets and frustrations.  Acknowledge what they are expressing to you and be understanding. Be aware that some children will hold their feelings in so as not to protect you. Reassure them that it’s okay to talk about their sadness as well as apprehension about what they will experience this year.

Remind your children that what they are feeling is natural and normal. Be there for them with reassurance and hugs. Also let them know that some activities will still be part of their holiday celebrations so they understand that much of life continues in the same way, despite divorce.

Model Responsible Behavior With Your Ex:
Studies show that children whose divorced parents get along with one another adapt much easier to the divorce.  So talk to your ex about giving your children a happy holiday season in every possible way. If you can both spend some family time together with the children, without discord, they will appreciate your efforts.  If you can’t, at least strive to make the drop-off experience peaceful and harmonious.  Never bad-mouth your ex to the children, make them your messenger or have them spy for you at their other parent’s home. Model your best, most respectful and mature interactions with your ex in front of your children so they can enjoy their childhood, especially at this time of year.

Start Creating Wonderful New Memories:
This year will lay the foundation for many holidays to come. So think about new ways to celebrate, new places to visit, new foods to prepare. By creating a fresh set of traditions you will give your children something to look forward to. By replacing old memories with the new, you can make the holidays special again for them. And if they do the same in their other parent’s home, they can enjoy an even fuller experience of celebrating the holidays.

By acknowledging your children’s feelings with compassion while offering them new options for keeping the holidays special, you are giving your children an important gift: the love and support they need to overcome the challenges of being a child of divorce.

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network and author of How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For Rosalind’s free ebook on Post-Divorce Parenting: Success Strategies for Getting It Right, plus Rosalind's free ezine and other resources for parents, visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.

 © Rosalind Sedacca   All rights reserved.