Around the time that your child began talking
or walking, did you notice that a key component of your vocabulary was the word
"no"? “No, don’t touch that!” “No, I am
on the phone!” “No! Stop grabbing things.” “No cookies before dinner!” Saying "no" gets old as you begin to feel like
the barrier between your child and his desires while you repeatedly deny him
what he wants. Saying "no" has some other down sides as
well. It really doesn’t give your child
useable information, and it sets up
your relationship as adversarial rather than supportive. Imagine your relationship with someone who repeatedly said "no" to your requests. How to resolve this? Begin saying “yes”!
This doesn’t mean you become a doormat
saying “yes” to every request your child makes.
It means you set healthy limits and find the “yes” in your “no”. You then give your child useable information
while modeling cooperation rather than setting up power struggles.
If your child asks for a cookie before
dinner, find the “yes” by acknowledging him and then following with a limit or
a choice. You might say, “Wow, a cookie
would be delicious. After dinner, would
you like a peanut butter cookie or a chocolate chip cookie?” You have side-stepped the power struggle and
acknowledged his desire.
If your child grabs a toy from another
child, rather than saying, “No, we don’t grab!” practice saying something like,
“I see you really want to play with that toy.
Jane is playing with it now. Do
you want to play with it when she is finished or pick another toy?” There are many lessons in that positive
response, and both you and your child will be on the same team.
If your child touches things in the store or
picks up breakable or unsafe objects at home, reduce the “drama” and big energetic
charge by calmly saying, “You must like that necklace, vase, toy, fill in the blank [while you gently
retrieve it and put it back]. That is something
we look at.” It helps to “prepare your
environment”, as Maria Montessori advised, by having fragile or unsafe objects
up high enough where young hands cannot reach them. In the store, let him know that those bright,
shiny things do not belong to you and request that he use his eyes for looking
rather than his hands for touching.
Practice saying “yes” with others. If your husband says, “Let’s go on a camping trip
to Montana” and camping is not your cup of tea, respond with something like, “I
love your idea of a trip! Let’s talk
about all the places we could stay and visit!”
That opens the conversation and is the beginning of an exciting adventure. Notice how different the feelings and results
of the reply “No, I hate camping” would have been, totally shutting your
husband down and ending the discussion.
The results you experience from saying “yes”
will be a more cooperative relationship with your child, fewer power struggles,
and a warmer feeling in your heart. Say “yes”
to yes!
