2010 Parent's Top Ten List

For four years, Whole Hearted Parenting has presented the annual Parent’s Top Ten List which contains ten suggestions for creating a more harmonious, cooperative and respectful family in the New Year. You can get your free 2010 Parent's Top Ten List by clicking here. Because this list is succinct – no explanations of the concepts – you may be curious about the “why” behind some of the suggestions. Y ou may also be wondering what difference you might see in your family if you practiced a few or all of the suggestions on the list. Let’s look in more detail at a few ideas from our 2010 Parent’s Top Ten list.

Suggestion #1 is Notice and recognize your child’s improvements. Sometimes it is easy to only notice – and point out – a child’s misbehavior, mistakes or shortcomings. If a child makes A’s and B’s on his report card along with one C, the C often gets the most attention. Begin to notice even small improvements. A challenge in our house is my daughter getting ready for school in the morning. That is my challenge. She is happy not getting ready for school! Part of her job in getting ready for school is turning off the lights, radio, and the fan in her room. Another part of her job is putting all of her dirty clothes in her hamper. Rather than feedback being about the things she did not do – You forgot to put your clothes in the hamper – it is more encouraging to recognize the things that she did do – You turned off the fan and radio. That’s great! Focusing on your child’s successes and improvements is not only encouraging for your child, but for you as well. What we focus on is what we get, so the more we focus on improvements, the more improvements we will see. Notice how you feel and what you are thinking when you shift your focus in this way. If you are thinking “Man, how many times do we have to go through this before she cleans up after herself?” you will most likely feel frustrated or angry. Your frustration and anger will be reflected in your tone of voice. If you are thinking, “She is getting it! The clothes are in the hamper!” you will feel encouraged. You will feel better AND be more encouraging with your child.

Suggestion #3 is Eliminate “don’t”, “share” and “be nice” from your vocabulary. Let’s look at each of these. The curious thing about “don’t” is that we don’t really recognize it. For instance, if someone said to you, “Don’t look at the person on your right. Don’t look!” you will probably (and immediately!) look to your right. Our brains do not process the “don’t.” The choices are overwhelming! To create clarity for your children, tell them specifically what you would like them to do rather than what not to do. I nstead of “Don’t jump on the bed” or “Don’t put your feet on the couch” say, “Sit on the bed” or “Feet down.”

“Share” and “be nice” are used frequently with younger children. Children learn to share on their own without parental intervention. In fact, when parents request that their children share, most of the time their children are too young to understand what it means. Have faith that your child will willingly share and will learn to do so through his own social relationships.

Saying “Be nice” has a double whammy. First, children do not understand what it means so they are not clear on what to do to be nice. Second, it gives the message that unless we tell our child to “be nice” that they are unkind, bad or whatever their view of “not nice” is. To avoid this double whammy, tell your child what you want him to do. If your child is grabbing toys from a friend say, “Toys are for picking up gently. Use toys these toys on the floor. Mary is playing with that one.” You can also say, “Ask Mary to hand you the toy you would like to use. Grabbing can hurt.” Talk about these skills in terms of “friendship” or “teamwork” skills. If your child is going over to a friend’s house say, “Have fun! Use your friendship skills.”

The language that we use is powerful. Our focus is powerful. Enjoy your 2010 Parent’s Top Ten List and let us know what shifts for you!

iPods, Nintendos and Cell Phones, Oh My!

If you have a child or grandchild who is of school age, there is no doubt that you -- or Santa -- have received a request for an electronic device as a holiday gift. The request could be for an iPod, a cell phone, a Nintendo, a DVD or a Wii. The choices seem endless! You probably also heard that "everyone in my class (or school or the universe) has one". Many parents are in a serious quandry about children and electronics -- from the high price tag for a gift for a young child to the impact that use of the device has on the child's development.

You know your child. Use that knowledge in making your decision about giving an electronic gift. You can also set healthy limits on the use of any electronic devices -- including television viewing. Here are a few recommendations from Whole Hearted Parenting on managing electronics:

· Place electronics only in common areas of the home, not in a child’s bedroom.
· Monitor electronic game use and content.
· Set a clear structure around use of electronics that includes homework and household responsibilities first being completed before plugging in. Include limits on the length of time children are permitted to have “screen time”.
· Do not permit use of electronics before breakfast, right before bedtime or during meals.
· Unplug! Turn off the television, computer and game devices. If you are drawing a blank on what comes next or how to handle a bored child, here is a great resource. Awarded the Good Parenting Seal by Parental Wisdom (www.parentalwisdom.com), Unplugged Play: No Batteries, No Plugs, Pure Fun, is a parent’s guide to over 700 ways to inspire valuable, creative play.
· Establish a family game night to play board and card games together.
· Create and tell stories as a family.
· Encourage kids to move more. Screen time is sedentary time. Permit unstructured outdoor play.
· Reconnect with nature – plant a garden, walk in the woods, talk about trees and insects and watch the sky!

Happy Holidays!

The Key to Enjoying the Holidays

Whole Hearted Parenting’s blogs and podcasts during the last month have been about creating peace during the holiday chaos, shifting the focus to giving and gratitude, and choosing stress-reducing gifts for parents. Today, after mailing a dozen boxes to family and friends for the holidays, I was thinking that the key to enjoying the season was organization – planning ahead, checking items off the agenda and then relaxing with a big sigh when I was done. Yes, there is a certain satisfaction to being complete with tasks. Even thought I did feel lightness in my being when walking out of the post office, my epiphany was realizing that completion and planning were not the keys at all.

For the holidays – and for life, really – waiting until the agenda items are all complete to allow yourself to experience the joy of the season – and of life, really – means postponing the wonder of the moment. I realized that I do this postponing a lot, constantly running through that mental check list, especially when it involves an event or a special occasion. That kind of thinking restricts enjoyment. I also realized that even when I feel the relief of having completed the tasks, the actual event feels less potent because I had stopped enjoying the moment in preparation for enjoying the moment!

The key to enjoying the holidays is not planning, organization, or having the most detailed checklist. It is deciding to enjoy the holidays. Once you make that decision, the experience begins. When you find yourself scanning your mental agenda or feeling stressed, decide again to enjoy every moment. With that decision, you are in the driver's seat. It is you driving your enjoyment rather than your agenda driving you.

Decide right now to enjoy every moment and see what a difference it makes! Let me know how it happens for you.

Holiday Gifts that Reduce Stress for Parents

Nicole Flamer – mother of three children on the autism spectrum and host of the radio program You Aut to Know – opened our interview on Sunday, November 15th with the findings from a recent study on the mothers of children with autism. The study, published in the Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, found that the levels of a hormone associated with stress were extremely low with these moms, consistent with those experiencing chronic stress, such as soldiers in combat. In the interview, we talked about the stresses of parenting and what parents can do to increase balance, calm and composure.

With the holidays approaching, I began thinking about gifts for parents that would assist them in handling stress – gifts with the direct payoff of increased calm. What better gift could there be? Here follows a list of gift ideas that parents can put on their wish lists. These are ideas for grandparents who are looking for a gift that would truly make a difference for their children and their grandchildren. There are even some suggestions for gifts for children to give their parents, and they cost absolutely nothing. Parental stress directly impacts children, spouses and the “weather” in the family, so consider a gift that creates calm.

Gifts that Relax the Body
These gifts not only relax the body but also carve out a special time for stressed parents to nurture themselves. Give the gift of a massage or series of massages. There are massage therapists who will work in your home, or if you think mom or dad would benefit more by experiencing a relaxing massage away from home, find a spa or chiropractor’s office that has a licensed massage therapist on staff. Giving a series of massages will encourage your recipient to continue on a regular basis.

A card for a series of yoga classes will also assist parents in taking time for themselves each week. Yoga impacts both the mind and the body. Through the breathing exercises and asanas – the postures practiced in yoga – parents will restore and maintain their sense of well-being, increase their strength and flexibility and gain the skills to regain composure outside of the class.

Gifts that Provide Time and Support
If you check out your thoughts when you are feeling stressed, you might notice that they are usually about “not enough.” For instance, you might be thinking “I don’t have enough time for this” if your child spills a glass of milk right before leaving for school or “I don’t have enough help” if you are exhausted and have one more load of laundry to do. Those thoughts, which Dr. Becky Bailey calls “trigger thoughts”, take you from calm to angry. A gift that provides time and support can make a huge difference.

Consider making coupons that entitle the owner to one hour of babysitting, one hour of laundry, or cooking a meal. Children can make a book of coupons offering their services to clean up the kitchen after dinner, make mom or dad a cup of tea, feed the family pets, or fold clothes.

This can become a fun craft project and making your coupon booklet is easy to do on the computer.

Gifts that Provide Parental Guidance
When parents have the tools in their parenting tool box, they are more flexible and relaxed when things come up. Consider giving the gift of a parenting course. This will not only reduce parental stress but it will also positively impact the family for generations.

The International Network for Children and Families offers the Redirecting Children’s Behavior™ Course. Check the website for resources and instructors in your area. If you are in south Florida, visit RCB South Florida.

To equip families to build a connected and cooperative family team in 2010, Whole Hearted Parenting is offering a holiday Creating Family Team Package loaded with experiential exercises that build effective communication and cooperation. Parents will watch their children become leaders and supportive team members as the family engages in family meetings, setting family goals and creating a family mission statement. The Package consists of three hours of individual coaching, the three-part Success Strategies for Family Meetings program, and two fun and informative books.

When thinking about your holiday gift for the parents in your family and network of friends, go for one that relaxes the body and mind, provides time and support or provides parental guidance. Your gift can help make 2010 the best year ever for the entire family.

Peaceful Holidays Part 1

Halloween is over and the holiday rush will soon begin. We all have special memories of the holidays, and as parents, we want to create equally special memories for our children. The relentless commercial pressure to purchase the latest toys and gadgets can make it challenging to keep the holidays focused on love, gratitude and peace. The changes in normal routines – even fun changes like visiting family members – can be disruptive. To create those endearing and enduring memories, we can employ some tips for managing what we do during this wonderful time of the year. Here are a few suggestions to make your holidays peaceful:

Have a plan to handle requests for gifts. Having a plan to handle the requests will help you parent peacefully. Here are a few suggestions:

a. Create a request list (i.e., a letter for Santa or wish list) and route all gift requests to that list. When asked to purchase something, say “That sounds like a great addition to your list!”

b. Avoid commercial television, a huge source of advertising aimed at children.

c. Avoid power struggling over requests. When your child says, “Look at how pretty! Please buy it for me!”, follow these three steps to prevent a power struggle:
o Make them right (“You are right! That is such a pretty doll!”)
o Acknowledge their desire (“I would want a doll like that, too!”)
o Fantasize about it (“What would you do with that pretty doll? What clothes would she wear? How would she get along with your other doll?”)

For more on Peaceful Holidays, please listen to our Parenting Tip of the Week at http://www.lexy.com/feed/?id=576. We will be talking about ideas for peaceful holidays for the next few weeks. At http://www.wholeheartedparenting.com/ you will also find articles under "Resources" and our e-book, Parenting Week by Week has several chapters on reducing the stress and creating holiday family rituals.

Talk So Your Children Listen

This week – Wednesday, October 7th to be exact – we are doing a teleseminar on How to Talk so Children Listen. It could truthfully be called Be Heard by Everyone because we address powerful communication skills that are helpful in any relationship. If you are feeling the frustration of constantly repeating yourself, seeing your child’s rolling eyes and arms crossed tightly over his chest, hearing the myriad of excuses, receiving defensiveness and a lack of cooperation, this is the workshop for you.

How DO we talk so that children listen to us?

One way is to actively listen with full attention to your child. Not only will that model the kind of listening you desire from him, it will also let your child know he is heard. Active listening involves making eye contact, maintaining a body posture that shows interest (such as your body forward with arms at your side rather than crossed) and an interested expression. You do not have to actually say anything. Get down on your child’s level or bring him up to yours and listen with full focus.

Another communication skill is to look for the feelings behind your child’s behavior and behind his words and then acknowledge them. For instance, if your child says, “Mary said she is not my friend,” an empathetic response might be, “That must have hurt.” A non-empathetic rescuing response might be, “That Mary is such a mean girl. I’ll have a talk with her mother.” The rescuing response stops the communication. The empathetic response that gives a name to your child’s feelings is an invitation to a conversation. Those are conversations in which we really get to know our child and they get to know us. They are rich.

Another helpful communication tip is to simply describe the problem rather than tell your child what to do. This allows him to take responsibility without engaging in a power struggle. By simply stating the problem, there is nothing for him to push against.

I invite you to join us Wednesday, October 7th at 9:00 PM for more on How to Talk so Your Child Listen. Click Here to register.

Parenting Blogs: A Great Resource

It seems like everybody is blogging! Blogs are a terrific resource for all kinds of things, including parenting. With the frequent updates, variety of topics, and different views, blogs can give you new information, assist you in seeing things in a new way, and point you to another blog with even more information! Here are a few blogs on parenting that you might find helpful:

· MomsMiami – Edited by Charlene Pacenti and sponsored by The Miami Herald, MomsMiami is a very comprehensive blog, with Mom2Mom forums, lists of events for children, video and a place to “swap your stuff.” I blog for MomsMiami and enjoy it very much. Charlene arranges events at interesting places and has included our RCB South Florida team as speakers.

· Parental Wisdom –Tina Nocera of ParentalWisdom.com created and writes this blog, and her articles are thoughtful, loving and timely. Posts include “It’s a Bird; It’s a Plane; It’s a Helicopter Parent!”, “Pets Help Kids through Divorce”, and “Paying Our Dues to be Part of the Village.” Tina is a skillful connector, and I enjoy reading her posts.

· Sun-Sentinel – The Sun-Sentinel recently launched their parenting blog called Moms & Dads, and I’ve been invited to join their team of guest bloggers. Sun-Sentinel staff write columns, so there are a variety of topics and views.

· One Year in the Making – Although not specifically written for parents, the posts by Marijo Puleo are uplifting to read and carry over into parenting. Marijo writes inspiringly of family and her journey.

To find blogs, go to Google and click on “more” at the top. From the drop-down list, choose “Blogs” and then enter your search criteria.

Let me know your parenting blog discoveries and I’ll post them here and add them to Parenting News. Blog on!