Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Helping Children Through the Holidays After the Divorce

What I love most about Rosalind Sedacca's articles is her clear intention to assist parents in providing a deep experience of love for their children.  Thanks for another terrific post, Rosalind!

by Rosalind Sedacca

When Mom and Dad divorce their children are faced with many life changes. As loving and concerned parents we try to minimize the pain and reduce the chaos brought about by new routines and schedules. We also try to focus on making this new chapter in life as positive and supportive as possible for everyone in the family.

One of the toughest transitions for children is often coping with the first holiday season. Our challenge as parents is to create new traditions and activities that can replace the memories of family holidays in the past. Here are some suggestions on how to help your children through the holiday season in the best possible spirits.

Show compassion:
Talk to your children about the holidays. Listen, rather than lecture, and let them vent about their feelings, regrets and frustrations.  Acknowledge what they are expressing to you and be understanding. Be aware that some children will hold their feelings in so as not to protect you. Reassure them that it’s okay to talk about their sadness as well as apprehension about what they will experience this year.
Remind your children that what they are feeling is natural and normal. Be there for them with reassurance and hugs. Also let them know that some activities will still be part of their holiday celebrations so they understand that much of life continues in the same way, despite divorce.

Model Responsible Behavior With Your Ex:
Studies show that children whose divorced parents get along with one another adapt much easier to the divorce.  So talk to your ex about giving your children a happy holiday season in every possible way. If you can both spend some family time together with the children, without discord, they will appreciate your efforts.  If you can’t, at least strive to make the drop-off experience peaceful and harmonious.  Never bad-mouth your ex to the children, make them your messenger or have them spy for you at their other parent’s home. Model your best, most respectful and mature interactions with your ex in front of your children so they can enjoy their childhood, especially at this time of year.

Start Creating Wonderful New Memories:
This year will lay the foundation for many holidays to come. So think about new ways to celebrate, new places to visit, new foods to prepare. By creating a fresh set of traditions you will give your children something to look forward to. By replacing old memories with the new, you can make the holidays special again for them. And if they do the same in their other parent’s home, they can enjoy an even fuller experience of celebrating the holidays.

By acknowledging your children’s feelings with compassion while offering them new options for keeping the holidays special, you are giving your children an important gift: the love and support they need to overcome the challenges of being a child of divorce.

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network and author of How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For Rosalind’s free ebook on Post-Divorce Parenting: Success Strategies for Getting It Right, plus Rosalind's free ezine and other resources for parents, visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.

 © Rosalind Sedacca   All rights reserved.


  1. Remember, whatever you're going through during this stressful time of year, it's often much more painful for your children. After all, they have no control over the circumstances and are at their parents' mercy to be compassionate and understanding.

    Don't let them down. Give your kids the joy of childhood they deserve, regardless of the challenges you are facing!

  2. Let your kid know and explain to him the situation. It is the right of every child to know what is happening and to have a voice in the family. Celebrating holidays when your family is incomplete is always a struggle one way or another. Try your best to make them feel that they are still secured! There are a lot of ways and activities to do on holidays, which mean more ways to feel the joy of the season!

  3. Before I share my experience, I too, was a child of divorce. It was tough for me to understand at that time, and that forced me to mature way ahead of my age. Then the time came that I was in the same position as my parents. Both my partner and I weren’t just the same as before, and we have lost our spark. So we came into an agreement to file for divorce, BUT make sure that our son wouldn’t be affected. We did explain to our kid what was happening, and these advices are exactly what we did at that moment. To all the people who are going through the same hardships, just remember that it’s harder for your kids, so take time and effort to take care of them.

    Jermaine Gardner

  4. The children are possibly the ones who are affected the most by divorce. The issue will somehow affect their way of thinking. Although, we cannot blame the parents since they also have their own hardships, nonetheless, they should try their best to be civil with each other for the sake of their children. One important thing that parents should do is to never stop guiding and protecting their kids. That's what their children need the most.

    Deloris Hausler @ Joseph, Hollander & Craft